“I’m sorry,” Sean says. “I shouldn’t have walked away like that.”
I find a way to act like it didn’t matter. I pretend that I don’t know his secret. “You don’t have to explain anything to me. It’s fine, Sean.”
His blue eyes slip over me. Sean hesitates before saying, “You play very well. Who taught you?”
“My mother.” I feel nothing. If I keep thinking it, it’ll happen. Eventually I’ll feel nothing. Eventually, every last part of me will go numb. I won’t react to his voice or his touch. I can do this. I stare straight ahead.
“She must be a wonderful musician.”
I know he’s searching for kind words, but I don’t care. I answer bluntly. “She was. She died along with my father in a car wreck last year. That was my favorite song. I bugged her to help me with it frequently over the past few years.”
Sean watches me as I speak. Finally, he says, “You’ve been through a lot.” It’s a statement. He leaves it hanging in the air, so I nod.
“Yeah, but who hasn’t?” I try to sound apathetic, but I don’t pull it off. I shrug and add, “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, or so I hear.” I glance at him, expecting him to make light of it, but he just nods.
“That’s what I hear, too.” After a moment, he says, “What other songs do you know?”
I look at the piano in front of me. A million memories of me and my mom flash by. She loved playing classical music. I preferred darker things, more contemporary stuff. I touch the keys lightly and start playing. To my surprise, Sean joins in. Neither of us speaks. We play like that, alternating songs until sleep pulls at me so hard that I can’t keep my head up.
My fingers fumble a few times and Sean stops. He turns to me and stands. Leaning over, he scoops me up and cradles me in his arms. “Avery, I’m sorry if I hurt you.” He sets me down, looking into my eyes. Sean presses his lips gently to mine and a surge of guilt nearly strangles me. I do everything I can manage to kiss him back and not act like his cheating bothers me, but it does.
That night I barely sleep. I keep seeing a beautiful woman holding a sweet baby in her arms. They’re just faces, only something my mind dreamed up while I slept, but I feel like I stabbed them in the back. I’m not cut out for this. I wish I was dead inside. I wish I lost the ability to feel anything. I fall asleep thinking, wishing that I was someone else.
CHAPTER 3
The next morning, Sean is gone. He slipped out without waking me. There’s a note on his pillow. I open it, and think of that crumpled piece of paper in his pocket. My heart clenches. I can’t breathe. Pressing my eyes closed, I chase away the pain. Inhaling slowly, I open his note.
I’m sorry about last night. I didn’t mean for things to go that way. I hope you’ll take this morning off and return tonight in time for dinner. There are some more things I’ll show you later. See you then.
-Sean
I dress quickly and call Miss Black to tell her that Sean set me free for daylight hours. She wants me to stay put, but Sean wanted me to go out. Eventually, Miss Black folds and I leave the hotel. When I finally get back to the dorm, I can’t think straight. I want to scream. I want to bury my face in my pillow and cry. The thoughts rise up and choke me so hard that I can’t swallow. It’s been months since I felt this crazy.
I shove the key into my door and kick it open. The door slams open wide. When I glance up, I see Amber’s brain-dead boyfriend—the exhibitionist—carving a turkey on my make-up counter. Turkey juices puddle around my blushes and drip onto the floor. He smiles broadly.
“Put some pants on!” I yell at him as I run into the room.
I left the door to the hallway open. The naked jackass waves to people as they pass by. Amber isn’t even here and this idiot is eating turkey on my make-up counter. I can’t deal with it. I feel my heart dying inside of me. I grab a pair of sweats and change in the bathroom.
When I emerge, naked guy mutters something about joining him, but I flip him off and run out the door.
I need to get out of here. As I run down the hall, Mel sticks her head out the door. “Hey bitch! Where you running off to? I thought you were…” When I don’t stop, Mel steps out into the hallway. “Avery!” She calls after me, but I don’t stop. I can’t stop.
It takes a minute to start my car and I’m off. I don’t plan to go there. I just go wherever this crushing feeling in my chest leads me. Staring through the grime on the windshield, I drive further east. A few turns and I pull up at the black iron gates that surround the cemetery. I managed to get here without stalling. It’s still early. No one is here. I drive past the rows of tombstones towards the newer plots in the back. There’s an open grave, the mound of dirt is covered with green plastic grass. I drive past it and turn off the main road in the cemetery and drive to the end. I pull over. The car shudders and lurches before it stalls.