The Arrangement Anthology 1(214)

I smile to myself, because it sounds so simple, but it’s fucking hard. If I could separate the good memories from the bad, then I wouldn’t be talking to my parents’ tombstone when things get bad. I’d be able to accept that they’re gone and look back at the time we had together with joy instead of gut-wrenching remorse.

I’m a hypocrite. How can I expect Sean to let go of his demons when I visit mine on a weekly basis?

I sit down hard on the curb and let out a sigh. Staring at the spokes, I ask, “So, why’d you buy Peter a house here? I can’t picture you living in a place like this. I mean, I assume you like it since you bought it for him. At least on some level, but this is the kind of house that I’d want to grow old in, not you. I can’t imagine the bad-ass Sean Ferro with little flower gardens and a sweet Cape Cod with white gingerbread trim on a tree-lined street.” I place my hands on my stomach and lay back on a patch of grass and smile up at the sky.

“Are you wondering if you chose the wrong Ferro?” There’s a teasing tone in his voice, but it’s laced with a tension that tells me he really wants to know.

I don’t look over at him. I know he’s sitting on his bike, looking like a modern god with that toned body, tight dark shirt, and the perfect dusting of stubble on his strong jaw. “No. I chose the right guy, he just didn’t choose me back.”

“Avery—”

Smiling, I say, “No, Sean. It’s the truth and it’s something that I need to realize. There’s no future for us. You’ve been saying that from day one, but I didn’t listen. I thought I could change you, or that you’d come around, but this house proves it—it shows how different we are and differences like that can’t be changed. They’re too big. The chasm is too wide. The only thing that moving forward will ensure is that one of us ends up at the bottom of the ravine, smashed to bits, and I seriously doubt I’m up for that right now.” Plus, I know I can’t fly and I’m not so stupid that I’d try.

Sean slips off his bike and sits next to me. He doesn’t lay back and look at the way the leaves dapple the light and cast lacy shadows on the ground. I’d never expect him to even notice. It’s not that Sean’s oblivious, that’s not it. It’s more that he only pays attention to the important things in life. He’s paying attention to you, the little voice inside my head whispers. I tell her that she’s stupid and shove her back into the closet at the back of my head. She’ll have me picking out a wedding dress if I listen to her ideas. Idiot.

To my surprise, Sean leans back in the grass and asks, “What are we looking at?”

A smile spreads across my lips. I can’t hide how much it means to me. “My future. I want a house with a big maple tree and a grassy lawn. I want to lay on it in the summer and feel the blades of grass between my fingers and toes. I want the sensation of the cool dirt on my back as I try to figure out where the sky ends and the heavens begin. I want a toddler that runs out and jumps on my stomach, begging me to play. I want to take him to the beach and kiss his little toes.” My smile fades as I look over at him. “Do you ever feel like your life is right in front of you, but you have no idea how to step into it? I mean, it’s right there. There’s a guy that’s crazy about me who offered me all of these things and I said no.” I said no. I didn’t give that guy a chance. Marty wants the same things I do. That match would have made sense, and stepping into that life would be easy.

Sean stiffens because he knows exactly who I’m talking about. “I thought you didn’t feel like that toward Marty?”

I shrug. “Does it matter how I feel? He’s a great guy and we have fun together. I know he’d take care of me and give me everything I could ever want.” I speak to the branches at the base of the massive tree, wondering how horrible it would be to marry Marty. I’d get the house and the kids. I could have my life without being a call girl. Marty would take me in a heartbeat. I know he would. Turning my face to the side, I look at Sean. “Does it bother you to hear?”

He’s quiet for a moment and then swallows hard. “I didn’t realize that he was so serious about you.”

“He is. The guy is larger than life. He doesn’t do things small and I can’t help but notice that Marty wants me the way I want you. It’s easy to see. Irony’s a bitch, huh? Or is that karma? Either way, I’m screwed no matter how you look at it. The guy I want doesn’t want me, and the guy that wants me, well, he doesn’t compare to you.”