“Yeah…” I say, and rub my hand over the back of my neck, suddenly feeling the need to look at my feet. “So, Granz—isn’t that your brother’s name?” He nods. “So, you’re building him a house?”
“Restoring a house. It’s a gift. Did you seriously think that I turned you down because I already had the white picket fence with the wife stashed somewhere?”
Oh God, I can’t even look at him. It sounds really bad. He takes my chin in his hand and tips it up. Our gazes lock and my brains fly away. A few stray thoughts bang against my skull like drunk bats. “It seemed reasonable. Nothing else made sense.”
He smiles sadly at me. “I told you the truth. I’m not a marrying man. There’s too much—” he stops talking and looks over at Mel, who is leaning towards us, not wanting to miss a thing. “Do you mind?”
She puts her hands behind her back and shakes her head. “No, not at all. Go on.”
“Ah, Mel…” I ask and smile at her, hoping she’ll take a hint and go for a walk.
Mel rolls those amber eyes and then turns on her heel. She chases after the chick working for Sean and asks to see the house. Mel looks over her shoulder at me and points to the front door, telling me that she’s going inside. I nod and wave at her.
Turning back to Sean, I don’t know what to say. “I’ve been trying to get on with things and act like you don’t matter, but you do. The thing is, I want a relationship with you and there seems to be no way to have one.”
Sean leans to the side and drops his helmet to the ground before stepping toward me. His lips are parted like there are things he wants to say, but doesn’t know how. The haunted expression that I’ve seen on his face so many times is lost for the moment. There’s no past and no future. All we have is right now and we both know it. We’re toe to toe when Sean lifts his hands and brushes his fingers against my cheek. I lean into his palm and hold it to the side of my face as his other hand slips back into my hair. “I know. I’ve been thinking about you a lot, too.”
I smile sadly. “Tell me why. I mean, you mentioned it before, but I felt like you didn’t really tell me why you didn’t want to get married.”
“Avery, don’t you see what’s standing in front of you? You deserve so much more than I could possibly give you—”
“That’s not a reason.” I hold onto his hand, but pull it away from my cheek. Keeping his hand in mine, I look at our fingers. They intertwine perfectly. There’s no awkward hand holding, where you don’t know whose fingers go where, and he doesn’t have cactus hands that are covered in calluses. He’s perfect for me. He knows it, I feel like he knows it, but he’s holding back. I smile grimly and look up at him. “After last night, I thought we had a shot. I mean, I really thought you might say yes, but I guess I was wrong.”
“I don’t follow.”
I pull the ring from my pocket and place it in his palm. “I bought this for you. I was going to propose.”
CHAPTER 10
My voice catches in the back of my throat and I take a deep breath to muffle the sound. Then I smile too brightly and continue to talk, like it’s for the best even though I’d rather be shot in the head. “Some things aren’t meant to be, I guess. Maybe we’re too alike,” I shrug and talk to his feet. “I mean, we’re both so fucked up that it’s amazing we haven’t been committed. Getting married would probably just make life harder for both of us. It’s not like it’d fix anything, and just because you love someone—well, it doesn’t mean anything. Love isn’t enough, is it?” I glance up at him and see Sean shake his head.
He looks down at the ring in his palm and turns it over, examining the carved band and the stone. “You picked this out for me?” I nod, like a despondent teenager. If I throw in a ‘whatever,’ I’d nail it. He lets out a slow rush of air and tilts his head to the side, looking back at me. “Why the pattern and stone? It’s an interesting choice for a wedding band.”
Tucking a piece of hair behind my ear, I take it back from him and run my finger over the pattern. “It’s woven together, string by string, just like life. Sometimes it seems like those little threads snap and we’re left hanging. Marriage weaves them together, so even if one string breaks, there are others to hold us up.”
“And the stone?”
“Blood binds, but so does pain. I don’t know. We’ve both been through so much that we’ve bled our hearts out and have nothing to show for it. Maybe that sounds morbid, but that stone looks like a drop of blood. It reminds me of everything we’ve been through and that we’re still standing.”