The Arrangement Anthology 1(163)

“Sean, you don’t have to—”

Sean presses his finger to my lips and silences me. “I do, because it’s not what they think. You were right about the papers. They don’t know what happened. No one does.” Tension flows over his body in sheets. Every muscle is corded tight. His gaze breaks away from mine and Sean starts pacing. He runs his hands through his dark hair and down his neck. He takes a deep breath and continues, “I never confessed to killing her, but everyone thought it was me. It was my gun. We were fighting before it happened. Everyone knew she was unhappy,” he laughs, but it sounds miserable, “Well, everyone but me.

“Amanda called me that day. She asked me to come home. She said she didn’t feel right, but when I pressed her she couldn’t tell me what was wrong. I thought she was lonely. I told her that I was in the middle of a business transaction and couldn’t leave—that I’d be home soon. My life was all business at that point, more so than now. Amanda understood that in the beginning. I loved her. I wanted to spend time with her, but I never got the chance. Then, everything changed.”

Sean turns around and looks at me. He swallows hard, like he can barely breathe. “When I got home from work that night, I found her. She’d taken my gun and…” His voice catches as he shivers. Sean presses his lips together as I watch the horror play out on his face. “She shot herself. I didn’t want her to be remembered like that. No one knew. Amanda kept everything inside. She always wore that polite smile and told everyone she was fine, happy even. That phone call was the only time she asked for help and I didn’t give it to her.” By the time he stops talking, Sean’s eyes are glassy. There are tears that want to fall, but he holds them back.

My eyes are so wide. “So you let them think you did it?” He nods and looks away. Oh my god. I’m trembling and that wasn’t even my story. The pain in his voice is fresh, like it just happened. He’s walked around with this secret for years, allowing it to devour him. The guilt he feels is etched across his face. Sean inhales deeply.

I walk up behind him. I want to touch him, to pull him into my arms, but he’s paper-thin right now and that will hurt him more. I speak to his back. “No one knows you. The people who say you’re calloused have no idea what they’re talking about. Sean, look at me.” When he doesn’t move, I take his arm gently and turn him toward me. His lashes are clumped together, wet from tears that I didn’t see fall. “It wasn’t your fault.”

“It was completely my fault. If I went home, if I—”

“You can’t live that way. You can’t question every decision you make. Constantly asking what if will make you crazy. You didn’t know she was that far gone. You didn’t know. This was beyond your control.” Awh fuck. There it is. This is where that dark side of him is stemming from. This is the pinpoint location—the landmine. I knew the darkness was from losing his wife and unborn child, but this clarifies everything. The guilt is destroying him. It’s why everything he touches turns to ash—he can’t accept that it wasn’t his fault. He believes he killed her.

Sean sees the puzzle pieces snap together in my eyes. “You gave me something I desperately needed last night. Talking about that day makes it worse. I’d ditch my brother and stay here with you.”

“Talking about it will eventually make it better.”

Sean gives me a weird look. “That’s something a shrink would say.”

I’m not a shrink. I know enough not to press on this spot too much. The whole thing could blow up in my face and I don’t want to hurt Sean more than I already have.

I counter, “It’s something a friend would say. Sean, you can’t hold everything inside. It’s warping you, twisting you into someone else.” I reach for his hand and thread our fingers together. “I know you need sex that way. I understand now. Take anything you need from me later. I want you to. Don’t hold back. I want my Sean back. I want the guy with the beautiful smile and the contagious laughter, the one that you thought was gone. He’s still there. If I have any chance of being with him, I’ll take it.”

Sean nods slowly. He runs his hand over the back of his neck and looks down at me. “I wish I could say no.”

“I don’t want you to.”

“Avery, I can’t promise what you’ll get.”

“I’ll get you—the dark, the light, and the monster within.” I smile at him. “You protected her all these years by sheltering her death. You made it so that her friends and family would only focus on her life, and they must hate you for it. You protected her after she was gone, at all cost. I adore that man, and he’s still in here.” I press my palm to his chest. Sean tenses, but he doesn’t move. “You’re a good man with a dark façade. Believe that, because it’s the truth.”