“But what?” The sleds are on the ground. Sean put them down when we reached the top of the hill. There’s a pink disc for me and a blue one for him.
I don’t know what Sean means, or what he wants to do to me later. I’m not sure if I can tolerate more. Last night was a different kind of hell for me. I can’t imagine enjoying that. Nerves flutter through me just thinking about it. More intense. Damn.
Sean beaks the silence. “I wish you liked it. I know you don’t, so it makes me rethink things.”
Smiling, I shake my head and exhale slowly. My breath makes a white cloud in the crisp air. “We’re a pair of idiots. You know that, right? I mean, I want you to freely give yourself to me, and you practically want to rape me and whatever brains I have left.”
Sean steps toward me. “You think that I’d rape you?” I just stare at him. I haven’t the words or the heart to answer that question. Doesn’t he realize what he’s doing? That his fantasy is playing on a primal fear of being overpowered and sexually abused. It lurks at the back of mind all the time. I blink hard and look away. “Avery—”
“Sean, you need to look in the mirror and see the man you’ve become. I don’t know who you were before, but the guy standing next to me is broken and dark. He comes to life when I’m terrified. He thrives at those times.”
“I need it, Avery.”
“You need something that I can’t give you forever. If you don’t bear your soul to someone, soon, this will get worse. You’ll lose whatever piece of you that’s left. You’re hiding something dark, Sean, and it’s eating you alive. I see it in your eyes. It weighs on your shoulders and crushes you until you can barely stand.” I touch Sean’s hand. It’s so cold. He swallows hard and pulls out his gloves. “Don’t you want to feel alive again? Don’t you want to feel love and be loved?”
“I honestly don’t know if I can. Things are so far gone. I’m…” he shakes his head and stops talking. I feel so bad that I tanked his mood like this. At least he’s talking. I get the idea that Sean has a lot he needs to talk about, but no one he trusts enough to do it. He’s stuck, reliving the same nightmare day after day.
I steer the day back to where it needs to go. Sean needs this too, he just doesn’t know it yet. “You’re going sledding, now. You’re going to laugh, and scream like a girl. I’m going to make sure of that.”
Sean gives me a weak smile. He doesn’t believe me. Sean takes the disc and sits down. Before I climb on mine, I give his shoulders a hard push. Sean disappears over the side of the hill. I watch him try to control the disc as it curves down the incline. He laughs loudly as he grabs at the snow with his gloves trying to stop.
At the bottom of the hill, Sean jumps off the sled and looks up at me. “You suck, Smith!”
I grin. Today is going to be fun.
CHAPTER 9
When Sean finally reaches the top of the hill again, he runs straight at me and drops the sled. I squeal and try to get away, but the snow is too deep and my legs are too short. “That wasn’t nice, Smitty.”
I giggle and look over my shoulder just as Sean swipes his hand by my waist. He almost got me. I twist out of his reach and bounce around in the snow like a labradoodle, not moving very far, but avoiding his reach at the same time. “But it was very funny, Jones!”
“You’re going to get punished for that.”
“You have to catch me first.” I’m grinning so hard that my face hurts. I make a bee line past him and jump on my sled. The disc does a one-eighty and I fly down the hill backward. I dig my hand into the snow on one side and whip the thing around. For once, I have good timing. A tree tried to hug my face, but I narrowly dodged it. One disaster avoided.
Sean shouts from behind me. He’s on the other disc, coming down the hill behind me. He’s laughing, smiling so widely that I get a flash of his dazzling grin when I glance back at him. “Oh, I plan on it!” He hits a bump and his last word is garbled with an oof sound when his disc smacks back down. Sean grips the side of the disc hard.
I start cracking up and don’t notice the drop in front of me. The disc jets down into a ditch at the foot of the hill. The sled ends up perpendicular to the ground and plants itself like a headstone after throwing me off. I roll on my side several times, and then slide. It seems like forever. I’m almost in the parking lot by the time I skid to a stop. My hair is tangled around my face, forming a brown shroud. I lay there for a second trying to catch my breath while laughter starts building in my belly.