I nod slowly. Before Sean moves to open the door, I stop him. “Wait.” I pull his lips down to mine and kiss him slowly and softly, until I’m so sated that I can’t stop smiling.
CHAPTER 8
The snow is mixed with ice. It crackles under our feet. Gabe pulls the sled out of the trunk and mentions something about how easy a body would fit back there when he hands it to Sean. Gabe scares me when he sounds like that, because he isn’t joking. The old guy nods at me as if he’s doing me a service and then slips back into the car where it’s warm.
I’m standing in front of Sean with my jacket open. The parking lot is a sheet of ice. It hasn’t been plowed yet. I’m grinning like a lunatic, ready to run across the parking lot and up the hill. There’s a reason the locals call it Cardiac Hill—it’ll give you a heart attack if you try to take it too fast. The thing is dauntingly steep, buy you can’t really tell until you’re on it. Runners go through these woods in the summer and come out into this clearing between the trees and the hill. It’s a beautiful spot. I’m wondering how hard it’s going to be to keep the sled from cracking into one of the towering pines.
Sean watches me for a moment, before taking the bottom of my coat in his hands and zipping it up to my neck. “You seriously need to get over that cold thing.”
I raise an eyebrow at him. “You seriously need to get over that domination thing.”
“It’s not domination.” He looks offended.
“Oh? Then what it is?”
“Control, that’s all. Totally different.” Sean glances at the snow covered hill.
“Yeah, in crazyland,” I mutter and start walking, tugging the sleds behind me. Gabe couldn’t shove a toboggan in the trunk, so we have a couple of plastic disc sleds. Gabe bought them on the way to pick us up, per Black’s instructions. I wonder what Gabe’s deal is, if he’s here to protect me or what. I kind of think that he’ll beat the shit out of me if Black tells him to. That part worries me. If I decide to stay with Sean, I have to repay her all the money I earned. That hardly seems fair, but then again, this isn’t a job that I can quit. I brush the worry aside when I see Sean’s face. His eyes are too big and his jaw is hanging open. “What?”
“Don’t what me—I’m not into that kinky shit. I just like things a certain way.”
It’s almost laughable. Sean has no idea how far into kinky he’s strayed. He left kinky behind a few states ago. “Ah, I see.”
Sean walks up the hill with me as we talk. I try to carry the sleds, but Sean takes them from me. “You see what?”
“Denial with flashing neon signs. You really can’t tell?”
Sean shakes his head and then looks at me, like he can’t believe I’d say something like that. “I never thought of it that way. I mean, I don’t do the whole dom/ sub thing. You really think that’s what I’m doing?” I nod. He’s quiet. I see the thoughts processing inside his head. His eyes are vacant and he’s touching his face. His lips move silently, trying to reason it out. Finally, he shakes his head and says, “Holy shit, that’s fucked up.”
He believes me now. I take Sean’s hand and start ticking things off. “You want control, complete trust, domination, submission—” Sean jerks his hand away. He looks annoyed. “I’m sorry, Sean. I thought you knew. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. You like what you like, even if it is a little twisted.”
Sean grumbles. I bump into his shoulder, but he doesn’t smile. “I used to be…” he sighs, and pushes his hair out of his face. White bits of snow are clinging to his dark locks. Stubble lines his cheeks like always. “Different. Careful, you know. Now it’s almost like I have to be a fucking predator to feel that way.”
“What way?” When reach the top of the hill, we’re both gasping for air.
Sean turns and looks at me. “I don’t know, like I’m still alive. I’m numb all the time, Avery. Before I met you, I barely felt anything anymore. Having sex like that brings me back, but it doesn’t last very long. Then, I need more. It’s like a drug. The more I have, the more I want.” He stares into space, lost in thought.
“Do you have something planned for later?” He nods. His icy eyes hold mine for a moment. “Is it like last night?”
“No, it’s more intense. I didn’t hold back last night, but I don’t usually have sex with the same woman twice. It changes things. I need that raw emotion, but…”