I smile at him. I didn’t notice before, but I see it now. “You’re jealous?”
“Jealous is an understatement. I want you for myself, but I don’t want to hurt you. You’re already hurting so much. You’ve become an enigma, and I don’t know what to do about it.”
We walk over to the railing and look out at the waves. “Then, maybe we shouldn’t do anything.”
Sean is leaning forward on the rail, but when I speak he straightens and turns toward me. “You want to go our separate ways?”
“Maybe,” I say weakly. “We survived apart for a long time. Ever since we met, it feels like everything is spinning out of control.” I laugh bitterly. “I can’t tell you how many times I thought about trying to be what you need, about letting you do whatever you wanted to do to me.” I stare at my fingernails like they’re fascinating.
Sean is still. He’s barely breathing. “You have?”
I nod, then smile like it’s a stupid idea. “We can’t go there, can we? I mean, that place isn’t for us. And it doesn’t matter what I offer you, you’ll still need that control. I don’t see how it would work anyway. Even if I let you do it once or twice and we have sex that way, that’s all you have with me, once or twice. After that, I won’t be as freaked out. I’ll know what you’re going to do and you won’t get your, uh, reprieve.” When I finish talking, I look up at him.
Sean’s lips are parted. He looks so torn. I think he’s going to say something, but he turns back to the railing and leans on it. Sean squeezes his hands together, wringing them tightly. “I can’t believe you thought about doing that for me.”
“I would have, I just don’t see the point. It won’t last, and then what? Then, we’re back here asking the same questions with the same problems. I’ll still be a call girl and you’ll still be ordering my friends to give you what I can’t. It sucks.” I swallow the rest of my coffee and toss the cup in a wastebasket that’s on the other side of Sean.
When I reach past him, my arm brushes his and he jumps. Sean steadies himself and closes his eyes for a second. “It sounds like you’ve already made up your mind.”
“Part of it, yeah. I shouldn’t see you anymore.”
“But…?”
“But I can’t stay away from you. I know what you’re talking about with the pain becoming unbearable. The only thing that breaks it for me is you. Something about you makes me feel like I might pull through even though, I’m inches away from a crash. It’s stupid, but—”
He puts his hand over mine. “It’s not stupid. I know exactly what you mean.”
Looking into his eyes, I ask, “So what now? I’m not okay with you doing other girls.”
Sean tosses his coffee into the trash can. Then he puts his hands around my waist and tugs me to him. Our hips line up and press into each other. He tilts his head to the side. “I’m not okay with you being with other guys. How far did you go the other night? Can you tell me? Will you tell me?”
I smile softly. This is my Sean. This is the one I want, the imperfectly perfect version that’s vulnerable. “Will I tell you? Do you really want me to?”
He nods. His eyes are locked on mine. Sean swallows hard, watching me, waiting for an answer that he doesn’t want to hear. He leans in and presses his forehead to mine. “Please, Avery, tell me. Not knowing is worse than knowing.”
I take a deep breath and put my hand on his shoulder. “Are you sure you want to know?”
Sean looks up from under his lashes. He presses his lips to mine for a second and nods. “Yes.”
This is the weirdest conversation I’ve ever had. It’s like he’s asking me to hurt him, but some of his assumptions are wrong. I lower my gaze. My voice is soft. “We kissed, he touched me—ran his hands over my body—and saw me in the outfit you picked out.” Sean is so tense, but he doesn’t speak. He continues to look at me like I’m slipping away from him. “Should I go on?”
“Yes.” His jaw locks after he says the word.
“He kissed my neck and my breasts before he…” I’m breathing too hard. I can’t tell him this stuff. It looks like it’s killing him. The pain on his face makes me cut to the last part. “Sean, he hasn’t had me yet.”
He blinks like he couldn’t have possibly heard me right. “What?”
“Henry likes me. He wanted to ask me out, but since I’m working for Black—”
“He can’t.”