“I know. I just wanted to check on you. Last night was…” he lets out a jagged breath and runs his hands through his hair.
“Intense.” The wind blows hard. I fold my arms around my middle and shiver. I still don’t have a winter coat. “There’s no way we can do this, Sean. I’m not allowed to have relationships and I don’t think you really want one. If you did, you wouldn’t be calling Black.”
Sean presses his lips together and looks away. A dusting of dark stubble lines his rosy cheeks. “You’re right. So what now?” He looks up at me from under his lashes. He’s so beautiful and so completely messed up.
I stand there, my mouth hanging open for a moment, just staring at him and basking in the absurdity of the situation. I’m the hooker he can’t get over. He’s beautiful and I’m a train wreck. We’re both beyond repair. Maybe there’s no hope for either of us.
Sean watches me too closely for someone who doesn’t care. His sapphire eyes finally flick up to my face. “Do you want me around? I think that’s the question at the most basic level. I’m not worth keeping. I know that, but I need to hear it from you.”
“Don’t do self-deprecation, Sean.” I look away. There are students walking across the parking lot. Marty and Mel will flip out if they see him here. “Where’s your car?”
Sean jabs his thumb behind him. “I’m on the chrome monster you liked.”
“Let me grab my jacket and helmet so we can go somewhere and talk.” I go to turn away, and then look back at him and add, “If you think it’s worth the bother.”
“You are definitely worth the bother. I’ll wait for you.” Sean looks at me in a way that makes my stomach dip. It feels ominous, like he’s really saying that he’ll wait for me, forever.
I return to the parking lot a few moments later, wearing the gear he gave me with a clingy black sweater. As I zip the jacket, I feel Sean’s eyes slip over me. “Ready.” I throw my leg over the back of the bike and we’re off.
Sean jumps on the Parkway and when we stop, we’re at Sunken Meadow. It’s a state park on the north shore. The beach is rocky, but there’s a boardwalk and a little place to grab a snack. Sean fastens our helmets to the bike. We go to the little snack shop and order coffee. Sean hands me my steaming cup.
We go back outside and stroll down the boardwalk. It’s fairly empty, because it’s too cold for sane people to be strolling along the beach. The air smells like it’s going to snow. It has the sharp crisp scent. I breathe it in deeply.
I finally say, “I have no idea where to start, so I’ll just jump in. The hookers bother me. I don’t understand why you still need that.”
Sean nods and looks straight ahead. The wind ruffles his hair, tossing it every which way. “That’s a good place to start. I don’t like you sleeping with other guys, but it’s something you have to do. It’s how I ended up with you. I wish you’d stop, but I can’t ask you that. I know what it means if you do. I know what you’d be giving up.” Sean glances over at me. “I don’t…” He presses his lips together and starts over. “I need them, the nameless faces, because it’s the only way I can deal with the pain. When it’s too much, I call. I take control back—”
“By having sex with strangers—”
“By dominating another person. By controlling them so thoroughly that I’m distracted from my life. Fear makes sense to me. They should be afraid of me.” Sean’s eyes glaze over as he speaks. He’s breathing hard, like memories he wants to forget are pounding into him.
I stop walking. Sean slows and looks back at me. “That’s why you can’t do it with me? Because…” I’m not a stranger, because he knows me.
“You’re not afraid of me. I know you and I want to make you happy, not scared.” Sean tucks a strand of hair behind my ear. I’m lost in his gaze, in his voice. I hate this. I wish he’d take me in his arms and let the past go. I don’t realize it until the thought fully forms in my mind.
I laugh. “I’m a hypocrite. I was with someone last night and you didn’t even ask me about it.” I groan and rub my face with the heel of my hand.
“You’re not wrong to ask about my, uh, preferences. It says something about me. And I’d like to know what you did, and who you did, but I don’t think I could bear hearing the details. I don’t want to share you and the thought that Thomas has had you twice—” Sean’s fists clench at his sides and he lets out a rush of air. “I can’t even think about it.”