Papers. There are papers everywhere. There’s an open briefcase on the desk by the window. Pens and papers are all over the table. There’s a pizza box with a few half-eaten slices on the floor in front of the television. The flat screen is flickering. An old movie is playing. The bed is made and the only place that’s rumpled is where Sean put me a few minutes ago. My eyes sweep the room, taking it in.
“No,” I say. “I know what I saw. I know what you do, what he wants. So, Sean was working before you came—”
Mel stands next to me and cuts me off. “Cut the crap, Avery. You know the truth. You see it. Nothing happened here. If it did, you know that man wouldn’t be thinking a logical thought for the rest of the night. Besides, I still smell like a spring daisy.” Mel lifts her arm and shoves her armpit in my face. “Sniff.”
I swat at her and step away. “Stop it, Mel.” I don’t want to believe her, but I smell her deodorant and her perfume is still there. It’s not mingled with sweat. She didn’t shower. I finally see it, and the thought sinks in slowly.
Nothing happened here.
My mind knows, but my heart is stuck. I can’t let it go. I don’t know what to do. I stand there, staring. I don’t look at Sean. I know what he looks like. I know how good he smells. His scent hit me hard in the stairwell. I know his after-sex scent and that’s not it. My eyes move across the room, searching for any indication of sexual activity, but there isn’t anything. It looks like Sean’s been working and Mel’s been eating.
Mel leans against the wall and folds her arms across her chest again. She glances at Sean and then back at me. “Avery?” I don’t answer. “Say something.”
I feel like I’ve been sucked into the center of a maze. I can’t find my way out. Exhaustion, fear, and humiliation are all vying to dominate me. It’s like having cymbals banging into the sides of my head over and over again. I’m ready to collapse. Every ounce of energy I had is gone.
Swallowing hard, I turn to her and pick at the only bone I can find. There’s too much emotion and no release. I can’t deflate. I need to fight. “You should have told me. Black gave you his information days ago. You should have said something to me!”
For the first time, Mel looks awkward. “I wanted to, but I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t tell Black no and—”
My pointer finger is in her face. “You still should have told me. I can’t take this, Mel. I can’t. I don’t know how you do it, but I can’t.” I shut my mouth and shake my head. I can’t talk to her. I can’t face Sean. It’s too much.
“I have to go.” My emotions are fried. I don’t trust myself anymore, and I can’t do this. I’m out the door before they can say another word, and this time no one follows me.
CHAPTER 2
It’s so damn late, but I can’t go home. I don’t want to see Mel at the dorm, and I sure as hell can’t tolerate Amber right now. Before I realize where I’m going, I’m wandering through Penn Station and boarding a train. Now, my head is tipped to the side against the window. There are a few other people scattered through the train car. For a long time, I just sit there and stare out the window, watching the world whip past in a blur of colored lights.
Numbness is consuming me. My phone is clutched in my hand. I flick it to life and dial. Marty answers, half asleep. “Vavery?” He yawns. I try to speak, but nothing comes out. I hear Marty sit up. “What’s the matter?”
“Hey,” I manage.
“Where are you?”
“On the train.” My voice is too soft. It catches in my throat and I think about hanging up. The lights inside the train flicker and everything goes dark for a second before they blink back on. I stare at the houses crammed so close together, wondering about the people who live in them. I thought that would be my life. I thought I’d be in one of those houses one day. Things weren’t supposed to go this way. My throat is so tight, so dry.
Marty is quiet for a second. He must stand, because I hear his mattress creak. “Taking a joyride?”
“Something like that.”
The speaker crackles to life and announces the next stop. Marty must hear it because he says, “You’re at Babylon, babe. You passed your stop.”
“I’m not going home.”
“Then, where are you going?”
I take too long to reply. I breathe, “I don’t know.”
The train slows as it approaches the platform. Marty’s talking again. “Avery, get off the train and I’ll come get you, okay?”