The Apartment A Novel(35)

I did not feel the need to check the bathroom closely, but when we crossed the hallway to the living room, I peeked inside, and saw a large tub, a gleaming white commode, and an oval mirror above a sink. That was all I needed to know – a bathroom of my own, with a tub big enough to lie down in. I would drag a little table beside the tub and put some books and a glass of cold water and an ashtray on it, and take the hottest baths I could bear. The living room was large and wide, and because of the width there was the illusion that this ceiling was higher than the others. It was maybe thirty feet long and twenty feet wide. That is not large relative to really large rooms, but compared to my little room in Hotel Rus it seemed like an opera house. Manuela sat on the couch and Saskia and I looked out the window. Beyond the long, narrow terrace and the two-lane street below us, headstones and crypts dotted a snowy, tree-filled hill, and beyond that the city rolled gradually downward, toward the river valley, and far beyond that were mountains, concealed by snow and fog. The woman drifted in behind us. That window, she said, gets the sun all evening. How long has the apartment been empty? Saskia asked. Not long, said the woman. The creaking and spitting pipes in the bathroom suggested she was lying, but that did not matter. Somewhere between the apartment and Hotel Rus, on the underground, on our way to get my things, Saskia asked, Does it bother you to be so close to a cemetery? How do you mean? I asked. People like to pretend they will live forever, she said. Oh, I said. She said, quoting, speaking from memory, slowly, Let us await it everywhere. I looked at her. She smiled. She was always in many places at once, invested deeply in a hundred different notions, and of all the things I liked about Saskia that was the thing I liked most. She took my arm in her hand, as though we were walking, and said, Such a long day. That repose, that sleepiness and quiet, accompanied her all the way to Hotel Rus, in Hotel Rus, and on the way to her flat. She had her eyes closed often, and rested her head on my arm. The daylight was still semi-strong when we separated from Manuela, but had disappeared by the time we arrived at her place. Saskia was so tired I feared the end of her day had arrived, but the shower and a bit of wine revived her.

Now, in a taxi heading from her place to mine with my possessions, cruising slowly down the gritted and slushy streets back toward the city, in the darkness of evening, she is completely awake and excited again, pointing out things to see in her neighbourhood. Places to get cheap rice, cheap fruit, cheap dry cleaning. Nobody wants to live in the area, she says, because of all the North Africans, but she loves it here. On many of the street corners we pass there are packs of young men standing in circles, reconnoitring with paranoid glances over their shoulders. They wear nothing but tracksuits – no hats, no gloves. They stand in heaps of shovelled snow, and snow falls upon them, and the wind gusts into their faces. We are going slowly, because the patch of road we are on is slippery, and under us the wheels of the taxi make a zip-zip-zip noise when they spin over ice. When the driver turns unexpectedly down a smaller street, Saskia knocks on the glass partition. The driver is North African. He looks in the rear-view mirror. His eyes look at us, and they contain an aggression and dismay that is out of proportion to the two tiny beads held in that tiny reflective space that shivers as the car shivers, and he does not blink. She begins to speak with him, and he says something dismissive back, something that obviously shocks her, and she launches into him, nearly shouting, and I understand not a word, and then he raises his voice, and she leans back and throws her hands up, then crosses her arms, laughing out of disbelief. I told him he had taken the wrong turn, she says to me, and now he says I’m a woman and he isn’t going to speak to me. Did he? I ask. I lean forward. Hey, man, I said. I knock on the glass. Salaam alaikum, I say. He gives me a blank look. Wa alaikum assalaam, he says. I say, in English, How long have you been living here? Twenty-two years, he says, in English. I’ve been here six weeks, I say. I like it. Do you like it? I like it, he says. Are you from Morocco? I ask. I am, he says. How did you know? I figured it was Morocco or Tunisia, so I guessed, I say. What are you doing here? he asks. I tell him I’ve just moved to town, and just got a new apartment. He asks if I am working and I say I am not, that I used to work, but am retiring. Stress? he says, with a smile. Stress, I say. Could you do me a favour? He looks at me in the rear-view mirror again, after having turned away for a while to watch the road. The look is fearful, like he expects me to finally say something confrontational. I say, Would you turn the music up? The music? he says. Please, I say. He turns it up a little – it’s Arab music – and I say, Louder, please. He turns it up some more, and I say, Even louder. When he turns it up as loud as he can bear it, I say to Saskia, speaking loud enough to be heard over the noise, and slowly: I feel like taking the long way, and listening to loud Arab music. Saskia gets the joke, but after a while it doesn’t feel like a joke. It just feels like a wonderful incongruity. I feel exceedingly tranquillized, and am reminded of another wonderful incongruity, on that day I arrived for the second time in Iraq, sitting in a convoy of white Suburbans cruising down the Baghdad Airport Road to the International Zone. When I’d walked out of the plane and stepped on the tarmac in the heat, I realized I was not there with the Navy, and that I was in grave danger. I nearly panicked. Instead I chewed some gum and put on some sunglasses, and made myself look like a bored badass. At the airport, there were six of us – all civilian contractors – and we were separated and placed into three white Yukons with tinted windows. We had all received a long document about emergency procedures, and before we got into our vehicles a guy in black body armour, a crew cut and red sunglasses went over the key points again. My heart was beating fast, and I kept my hands in my pockets so nobody could see them shaking. No one spoke until we were outside the airport, and for a few minutes after that, before we got properly on the road, it was just the security guys talking back and forth on the radio. Route Irish, the Airport Road, is twelve kilometres long, and that day traffic was sparse. It was a warm day in late spring, and the sun had turned the flat earth on either side into a shimmering silver sea of glare. In 2003 and 2004, guys in PMCs hung out windows and fired shots at cars that refused to pull over, or simply ran them off the road. Things had changed. We drove at an even, smooth pace, just slightly higher than the speed limit. We passed slow-moving vehicles and nobody seemed very anxious about it. The guy in the front passenger seat even took his eyes off the road to hook his iPod up to the radio, and played Jona Lewie’s ‘You’ll Always Find Me in the Kitchen at Parties’. And then I felt that incongruity. I was calmed. I experienced a sensation of falling into nothingness. It seemed not at all like a spontaneous sensation but like a truth that had come a very long way, looking for me, knowing all I would think before I thought it, and shot me out of the sky. It is incongruity that creates perception, and perception, real perception, is always something violent and free. You plummet through cloud and wind and a diminishing light toward a darkness you never reach, and which, anyway, vanishes as the mind stabilizes, and the outer shell of self reconstitutes, and life continues.