Dr. Ross Campbell, the psychiatrist who first told me about the emotional love tank, says that in his many years of treating adolescents who have been involved in sexual misconduct, he has never treated such an adolescent whose emotional need for love has been met by the parents. His opinion was that almost all sexual misconduct in adolescents is rooted in an empty emotional love tank.
Why is it that as the child gets older, our “Words of Affirmation” turn to words of condemnation?
Have you seen that in your community? A teenager runs away from home. The parents wring their hands, saying, “How could he do this to us after all we have done for him?” but the teenager is sixty miles down the road in some counselor’s office, saying, “My parents don’t love me. They have never loved me. They love my brother, but they don’t love me.” Do the parents, in fact, love that teenager? In the majority of cases, they do. Then what’s the problem? Very likely, the parents never learned how to communicate love in a language the child could understand.
Perhaps they bought ball gloves and bicycles to show their love, but the child was crying, “Will someone play ball with me? Will someone go riding with me?” The difference between buying a ball glove and playing ball with a child may be the difference between an empty love tank and a full one. Parents can sincerely love their children (most do), but sincerity is not enough. We must learn to speak the primary love language of our children if we are to meet their emotional need for love.
Let’s look at the five love languages in the context of loving children.
WORDS OF AFFIRMATION
Parents typically give many affirming words when the child is young. Even before the child understands verbal communication, parents are saying, “What a pretty nose, what beautiful eyes, what curly hair,” and so on. When the child begins to crawl, we applaud every movement and give “Words of Affirmation.” When he begins to walk and stands with one hand against the couch, we stand two feet away and say, “Come on, come on, come on. That’s right! Walk. That’s right, walk.” The child takes half a step and falls and what do we say? We don’t say, “You dumb kid, can’t you walk?” Rather, we say, “Yea, good job!” So he gets up and tries again.
Why is it that as the child gets older, our “Words of Affirmation” turn to words of condemnation? When the child is seven we walk into the room and tell him to put the toys in the toy box. Twelve toys are on the floor. We come back in five minutes and seven toys are in the box, and what do we say? “I told you to get these toys up. If you don’t get these toys up, I am going to—” What about the seven toys in the box? Why don’t we say, “Yea, Johnny, you put seven toys in the box. That’s great.” The other five would probably jump into the box! As the child gets older, we tend to condemn him for his failures rather than commend him for his successes.
To a child whose primary love language is “Words of Affirmation,” our negative, critical, demeaning words strike terror to her psyche. Hundreds of thirty-five-year-old adults still hear words of condemnation spoken twenty years ago ringing in their ears: “You’re too fat; nobody will ever date you.” “You’re not a student. You may as well drop out of school.” “I can’t believe you are so dumb.” “You are irresponsible and will never amount to anything.” Adults struggle with self-esteem and feel unloved all their lives when their primary love language is violated in such a detrimental manner.
QUALITY TIME
Quality time means giving a child undivided attention. For the small child, it means sitting on the floor and rolling a ball back and forth with him. We are talking about playing with cars or dolls. We are talking about playing in the sandbox and building castles, getting into his world, doing things with him. You may be into computers as an adult, but your child lives in a child’s world. You must get down on the child’s level if you eventually want to lead him to the adult world.
As the child gets older and develops new interests, you must enter into those interests if you want to meet his needs. If he is into basketball, get interested in basketball, spend time playing basketball with him, take him to basketball games. If he is into piano, perhaps you could take a piano lesson or at least listen with undivided attention for part of his practice period. Giving a child your undivided attention says that you care, that he is important to you, that you enjoy being with him.
Many adults, looking back on childhood, do not remember much of what their parents said, but they do remember what their parents did. One adult said, “I remember that my father never missed my high school games. I knew he was interested in what I was doing.” For that adult, “Quality Time” was an extremely important communicator of love. If “Quality Time” is the primary love language of your child and you speak that language, chances are he will allow you to spend quality time with him even through the adolescent years. If you do not give him quality time in the younger years, he will likely seek the attention of peers during the adolescent years and turn away from parents who may at that time desperately desire more time with their children.