The 5 Love Languages(44)

The decision to love your spouse holds tremendous potential. Learning his/her primary love language makes that potential a reality. Love really does “make the world go round.” At least it did for Jean and Norm.





They had traveled for three hours to get to my office. It was obvious that Norm did not want to be there. Jean had twisted his arm by threats of leaving him. (I do not suggest this approach, but people do not always know my suggestions before they come to see me.) They had been married for thirty-five years and had never gone to counseling before.

Jean began the conversation. “Dr. Chapman, I want you to know two things up front. First of all, we don’t have any money problems. I was reading in a magazine that money is the biggest problem in marriage. That’s not true for us. We both have worked through the years, the house is paid for, the cars are paid for. We don’t have any money problems. Second, I want you to know that we don’t argue. I hear my friends talking about the arguments they have all the time. We have never argued. I can’t remember the last time we ever had an argument. Both of us agree that arguing is fruitless, so we don’t argue.”

As a counselor, I appreciated Jean’s clearing the path. I knew that she was going to get right to the point. It was obvious that she had thought through her opening statement. She wanted to make sure we didn’t get bogged down in nonproblems. She wanted to use the hour wisely.

She continued. “The problem is that I just don’t feel any love coming from my husband. Life is a routine for us. We get up in the morning and go off to work. In the afternoon, he does his thing and I do my thing. We generally have dinner together, but we don’t talk. He watches TV while we eat. After dinner, he piddles in the basement and then sleeps in front of the TV until I tell him it’s time to go to bed. That is our schedule five days a week. On Saturday, he plays golf in the morning, works in the yard in the afternoon, and we go out to dinner with another couple on Saturday night. He talks to them, but when we get into the car to go home, the conversation is over. Once we are at home, he sleeps in front of the TV until we go to bed. On Sunday morning, we go to church. We always go to church on Sunday morning, Dr. Chapman,” she emphasized.

“Then,” she said, “we go out to lunch with some friends. When we get home, he sleeps in front of the TV all Sunday afternoon. We usually go back to church on Sunday night, come home, eat popcorn, and go to bed. That’s our schedule every week. That’s all there is to it. We are like two roommates living in the same house. There is nothing going on between us. I don’t feel any love coming from him. There is no warmth, there’s no emotion. It’s empty, it’s dead. I don’t think I can go on much longer like this.”

By that time, Jean was crying. I handed her a tissue and looked at Norm. His first comment was, “I don’t understand her.” After a brief pause, he continued. “I have done everything I know to show her that I love her, especially the last two or three years since she’s been complaining about it so much. Nothing seems to help. No matter what I do, she continues to complain that she doesn’t feel loved. I don’t know what else to do.”

I could tell that Norm was frustrated and exasperated. I inquired, “What have you been doing to show your love for Jean?”

“Well, for one thing,” he said, “I get home from work before she does, so I get dinner started every night. In fact, if you want to know the truth, I have dinner almost ready when she gets home four nights a week. The other night, we go out to eat. After dinner, I wash dishes three nights a week. The other night I have a meeting, but three nights I wash the dishes after dinner is over. I do all the vacuuming because her back is bad. I do all the yard work because she is allergic to pollen. I fold the clothes when they come out of the dryer.”

He went on telling me other things that he did for Jean. When he finished, I wondered, What does this woman do? There was almost nothing left for her.

Norm continued, “I do all those things to show her that I love her, yet she sits there and says to you what she has been saying to me for two or three years—that she doesn’t feel loved. I don’t know what else to do for her.”

When I turned back to Jean she said, “Dr. Chapman, all of those things are fine, but I want him to sit on the couch and talk to me. We don’t ever talk. We haven’t talked in thirty years. He’s always washing dishes, vacuuming the floor, mowing the grass. He’s always doing something. I want him to sit on the couch with me and give me some time, look at me, talk to me about us, about our lives.”