“It took us a long time to discover the root of the problem, but once we discovered that we were not meeting each other’s emotional need for love, we began to turn things around. Once I began to take the initiative in giving him physical touch, it’s amazing what happened. His personality, his spirit changed drastically. I had a new husband. Once he became convinced that I really did love him, then he began to become more responsive to my needs.”
“Does he still have a computer at home?” I asked.
“Yes,” she said, “but he seldom uses it and when he does, it’s all right because I know that he is not ‘married’ to the computer. We do so many things together that it’s easy for me to give him the freedom to use the computer when he wants to.”
“What amazed me at the seminar today,” Pete said, “was the way your lecture on love languages carried me back all these years to that experience. You said in twenty minutes what it took us six months to learn.”
“Well,” I said, “it’s not how fast you learn it but how well you learn it that matters. And obviously, you have learned it well.”
Pete is only one of many individuals for whom physical touch is the primary love language. Emotionally, they yearn for their spouse to reach out and touch them physically. Running the hand through the hair, giving a back rub, holding hands, embracing, sexual intercourse—all of those and other “love touches” are the emotional lifeline of the person for whom physical touch is the primary love language.
NOTES
1. Mark 10:13.
2. Mark 10:14–16.
If your spouse’s love language is Physical Touch:
1. As you walk from the car to the shopping mall, reach out and hold your spouse’s hand. (Unless, of course, you have three preschool children with you.)
2. While eating together, let your knee or foot drift over and touch your spouse. Be careful you are not rubbing the dog.
3. Walk up to your spouse and say, “Have I told you lately that I love you?” Take her in your arms and hug her while you rub her back and continue. “You are the greatest!” (Resist the temptation to rush to the bedroom.) Untangle yourself and move on to the next thing.
4. While your spouse is seated, walk up behind her and initiate a shoulder massage. Continue for five minutes unless your spouse begs you to stop.
5. If you sit together in church, when the minister calls for prayer reach over and hold your spouse’s hand.
6. Initiate sex by giving your spouse a foot massage. Continue to other parts of the body as long as it brings pleasure to your spouse.
7. Run the water in the Jacuzzi and announce to your spouse that you are looking for a partner to join you.
8. Riding down the road together, reach over and touch your spouse on the leg, stomach, arm, hand, or…If he or she says “stop!” by all means put on the brakes.
9. When family or friends are visiting, touch your spouse in their presence. A hug, running your hand along his or her arm, putting your arm around his as you stand talking, or simply placing your hand on her shoulder can earn double emotional points. It says, “Even with all these people in our house, I still see you.”
10. When your spouse arrives at home, meet him or her one step earlier than usual and give your mate a big hug. If you normally meet at the door, go to the garage. If you normally meet in the garage, go to the street. Then, as the car turns into the driveway, stop your mate, lean into the lowered window, and give him or her a kiss. If you normally meet at the street, hide in the parking area and step out as your mate opens the door and give him or her a hug. (Be sure your mate sees you before you hug him or her.)
chapter nine
DISCOVERING YOUR PRIMARY LOVE LANGUAGE
Discovering the primary love language of your spouse is essential if you are to keep his/her emotional love tank full. But first, let’s make sure you know your own love language. Having heard the five emotional love languages,
Words of Affirmation
Quality Time
Receiving Gifts
Acts of Service
Physical Touch
some individuals will know instantaneously their own primary love language and that of their spouse. For others, it will not be that easy. Some are like Bob from Parma Heights, Ohio, who after hearing the five emotional love languages said to me, “I don’t know. It seems that two of those are just about equal for me.”
“Which two?” I inquired.
“‘Physical Touch’ and ‘Words of Affirmation,’” Bob responded.
“By ‘Physical Touch,’ what do you mean?”