5. What one act of service has your spouse nagged about consistently? Why not decide to see the nag as a tag? Your spouse is tagging this as really important to him or her. If you choose to do it as an expression of love, it is worth more than a thousand roses.
6. If your spouse’s requests for acts of service come across as nags or put-downs, try writing them in words that would be less offensive to you. Share this revised wording with your spouse. For example, “Honey, I love you so much. You are a hardworking man and I really appreciate you. I’d love to thank you in advance for mowing the lawn this week before Thursday when Mary and Bob come over for dinner.” Your husband might even respond: “Where is the lawn mower, I can’t wait!” Try it and see.
7. Do some major acts of service like washing the car, cooking a meal, painting a bedroom, or washing the deck, and then post a sign that reads, “To (spouse’s name) with love,” and sign your name.
8. If you have more money than time, hire someone to do the acts of service that you know your spouse would like for you to do, such as the lawn, the housecleaning, the car washing, the laundry. If you take the responsibility for getting it done, you will be speaking love even when you are away.
9. Ask your spouse to tell you the daily acts of service that would really speak love to him or her. These might include such things as putting your dirty clothes in the hamper, getting the hairs out of the sink, hanging up your clothes at night, closing the door when you go outside, preparing a meal, and washing the dishes. Seek to work these into your daily schedule. “Little things” really do mean a lot.
10. Periodically ask your spouse, “If I could do one special act of service this week, what would you request?” If possible, do it and watch your spouse’s love tank fill up!
chapter eight
Love Language #5
PHYSICAL TOUCH
We have long known that physical touch is a way of communicating emotional love. Numerous research projects in the area of child development have made that conclusion: Babies who are held, hugged, and kissed develop a healthier emotional life than those who are left for long periods of time without physical contact. The importance of touching children is not a modern idea. In the first century, the Hebrews living in Palestine, recognizing Jesus as a great teacher, brought their children to Him “to have him touch them.”1 You may remember that Jesus’ disciples rebuked those parents, thinking that Jesus was too busy for such frivolous activity. But the Scriptures say that Jesus was indignant with the disciples and said, “‘Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. I tell you the truth, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it.’ And he took the children in his arms, put his hands on them and blessed them.”2 Wise parents, in any culture, are touching parents.
Physical touch is also a powerful vehicle for communicating marital love. Holding hands, kissing, embracing, and sexual intercourse are all ways of communicating emotional love to one’s spouse. For some individuals, physical touch is their primary love language. Without it, they feel unloved. With it, their emotional tank is filled, and they feel secure in the love of their spouse.
The old-timers used to say, “The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.” Many a man has been “fattened for the kill” by women who have believed this philosophy. The old-timers, of course, were not thinking of the physical heart but of man’s romantic center. It would be more accurate to say, “The way to some men’s hearts is through their stomachs.” I remember the husband who said, “Dr. Chapman, my wife is a gourmet cook. She spends hours in the kitchen. She makes these elaborate meals. Me? I’m a meat and potatoes man. I tell her she is wasting her time. I like simple food. She gets hurt and says I don’t appreciate her. I do appreciate her. I just wish she would make it easy on herself and not spend so much time with the elaborate meals. Then we would have more time together, and she would have the energy to do some other things.” Obviously, “other things” were closer to his heart than fancy foods.
That man’s wife was a frustrated lover. In the family in which she grew up, her mother was an excellent cook and her father appreciated her efforts. She remembers hearing her father say to her mother, “When I sit down to meals like this, it’s so easy for me to love you.” Her father was a wellspring of positive comments to her mother about her cooking. In private and in public, he praised her culinary skills. That daughter learned well from her mother’s model. The problem is that she is not married to her father. Her husband has a different love language.