Mary said, “I think you are right, and the reason I stopped doing things for him is because I resented his demanding spirit. It was as if he were trying to make me be like his mother.”
“You are right,” I said, “and no one likes to be forced to do anything. In fact, love is always freely given. Love cannot be demanded. We can request things of each other, but we must never demand anything. Requests give direction to love, but demands stop the flow of love.”
Mark broke in and said, “She’s right, Dr. Chapman. I was demanding and critical of her because I was disappointed in her as a wife. I know I said some cruel things, and I understand how she could be upset with me.”
“I think things can be turned around rather easily at this juncture,” I said. I pulled two note cards out of my pocket. “Let’s try something. I want each of you to sit on the steps of the church and make a request list. Mark, I want you to list three or four things that if Mary chose to do them would make you feel loved when you walk into the house in the afternoon. If making the bed is important to you, then put it down. Mary, I want you to make a list of three or four things that you would really like to have Mark’s help in doing, things which, if he chose to do them, would help you know that he loved you.” (I’m big on lists; they force us to think concretely.)
After five to six minutes, they handed me their lists. Mark’s list read:
Make up the beds every day.
Have the baby’s face washed when I get home.
Put her shoes in the closet before I get home.
Try to have supper at least started before I get home so that we could eat within 30–45 minutes after I get home.
I read the list out loud and said to Mark, “I’m understanding you to say that if Mary chooses to do these four things, you will view them as acts of love toward you.”
“That’s right,” he said, “if she did those four things, it would go a long way in changing my attitude toward her.” Then I read Mary’s list:
I wish he would wash the car every week instead of expecting me to do it.
I wish he would change the baby’s diaper after he gets home in the afternoon, especially if I am working on supper.
I wish he would vacuum the house for me once a week.
I wish he would mow the grass every week in the summer and not let it get so tall that I am ashamed of our yard.
I said, “Mary, I am understanding you to say that if Mark chooses to do those four things, you would take his actions as genuine expressions of love toward you.”
“That’s right,” she said. “It would be wonderful if he would do those things for me.”
“Does this list seem reasonable to you, Mark? Is it feasible for you to do these things?”
“Yes,” he said.
“Mary, do the things on Mark’s list seem reasonable and feasible to you? Could you do them if you chose to?”
“Yes,” she said, “I can do those things. In the past, I have felt overwhelmed because no matter what I did, it was never enough.”
“Mark,” I said, “you understand that what I am suggesting is a change from the model of marriage that your mother and father had.”
“Oh,” he said, “my father mowed the grass and washed the car.”
“But he didn’t change the diapers or vacuum the floor, right?”
“Right,” he said.
“You don’t have to do these, you understand? If you do them, however, it will be an act of love to Mary.”
What we do for each other before marriage is no indication of what we will do after marriage.
And to Mary I said, “You understand that you don’t have to do these things, but if you want to express love for Mark, here are four ways that will be meaningful to him. I want to suggest that you try these for two months and see if they help. At the end of two months, you may want to add additional requests to your lists and share them with each other. I would not add more than one request per month, however.”
“This really makes sense,” Mary said. “I think you have helped us,” Mark said. They took each other by the hand and walked toward their car. I said to myself out loud, “I think this is what church is all about. I think I am going to enjoy being a counselor.” I have never forgotten the insight I gained under that chinaberry tree.
After years of research, I have realized what a unique situation Mark and Mary presented me. Seldom do I meet a couple who both have the same love language. For both Mark and Mary, “acts of service” was their primary love language. Hundreds of individuals can identify with either Mark or Mary and acknowledge that the primary way that they feel loved is by acts of service on the part of their spouse. Putting away shoes, changing a baby’s diaper, washing dishes or a car, vacuuming, or mowing speaks volumes to the individual whose primary love language is acts of service.