“Mary, how old were you when you got married?” I asked.
“I was eighteen,” she said. “We got married right after I finished high school. Mark graduated a year before me, and he was working.”
“During your senior year in high school, how often did Mark come to see you?” I inquired.
“He came almost every night,” she said. “In fact, he came in the afternoon and would often stay and have supper with my family. He would help me do my chores around the house and then we’d sit and talk until supper time.”
“Mark, what did the two of you do after supper?” I asked.
Mark looked up with a sheepish smile and said, “Well, the regular dating stuff, you know.”
“But if I had a school project,” Mary said, “he’d help me with it. Sometimes we worked hours on school projects. I was in charge of the Christmas float for the senior class. He helped me for three weeks every afternoon. He was great.”
I switched gears and focused on the third area of their disagreement. “Mark, when you were dating, did you go to church with Mary on Sunday nights?”
“Yes, I did,” he said. “If I didn’t go to church with her, I couldn’t see her that night. Her father was strict that way.”
“He never complained about it,” Mary said. “In fact, he seemed to enjoy it. He even helped us with the Christmas program. After we finished the Christmas float project, we started working on the set for the Christmas program at the church. We spent about two weeks working together on that. He is really talented when it comes to painting and building sets.”
I thought I was beginning to see some light, but I wasn’t sure Mark and Mary were seeing it. I turned to Mary and asked, “When you were dating Mark, what convinced you that he really loved you? What made him different from other guys you had dated?”
“It was the way he helped me with everything,” she said. “He was so eager to help me. None of the other guys ever expressed any interest in those things, but it seemed natural for Mark. He even helped me wash dishes when he had supper at our house. He was the most wonderful person I had ever met, but after we got married that changed. He didn’t help me at all.”
Turning to Mark I asked, “Why do you think you did all those things for and with her before you were married?”
“It just seemed natural for me,” he said. “It’s what I would want someone to do for me if she cared about me.”
“And why do you think you stopped helping her after you got married?” I asked.
“Well, I guess I expected it to be like my family. Dad worked, and Mom took care of things at the house. I never saw my dad vacuum the floor or wash the dishes or do anything around the house. Since Mom didn’t work outside the house, she kept everything spotless, did all the cooking, washing, and ironing. And I guess I just thought that was the way it was supposed to be.”
Hoping that Mark was seeing what I was seeing, I asked, “Mark, a moment ago what did you hear Mary say when I asked her what really made her feel loved by you when you were dating?”
He responded, “Helping her with things and doing things with her.”
Requests give direction to love, but demands stop the flow of love.
“So, can you understand,” I continued, “how she could feel unloved when you stopped helping her with things?” His head was bobbing up and down. I continued. “It was a normal thing for you to follow the model of your mother and father in marriage. Almost all of us tend to do that, but your behavior toward Mary was a radical change from your courtship. The one thing that had assured her of your love disappeared.”
Then I turned to Mary and asked, “What did you hear Mark say when I asked, ‘Why did you do all of those things to help Mary when you were dating?’”
“He said that it came naturally to him,” she replied.
“That’s right,” I said, “and he also said that is what he would want someone to do for him if she loved him. He was doing those things for you and with you because in his mind that’s the way anyone shows love. Once you were married and living in your own house, he had expectations of what you would do if you loved him. You would keep the house clean, you would cook, and so on. In brief, you would do things for him to express your love. When he did not see you doing those things, do you understand why he would feel unloved?” Mary’s head was also bobbing now. I continued, “My guess is that the reason you are both so unhappy in your marriage is that neither of you is showing your love by doing things for each other.”