Earlier in His life, Jesus had indicated that in His kingdom those who would be great would be servants. In most societies, those who are great lord it over those who are small, but Jesus Christ said that those who are great would serve others. The apostle Paul summarized that philosophy when he said, “Serve one another in love.”2
I discovered the impact of “acts of service” in the little village of China Grove, North Carolina. China Grove sits in central North Carolina, originally nestled in chinaberry trees, not far from Andy Griffith’s legendary Mayberry, and an hour and a half from Mount Pilot. At the time of this story, China Grove was a textile town with a population of 1,500. I had been away for more than ten years, studying anthropology, psychology, and theology. I was making my semiannual visit to keep in touch with my roots.
Almost everyone I knew except Dr. Shin and Dr. Smith worked in the mill. Dr. Shin was the medical doctor, and Dr. Smith was the dentist. And of course, there was Preacher Blackburn, who was pastor of the church. For most couples in China Grove, life centered on work and church. The conversation at the mill focused on the superintendent’s latest decision and how it affected their job in particular. The services at church focused mainly on the anticipated joys of heaven. In that pristine American setting, I discovered love language number four.
I was standing under a chinaberry tree after church on Sunday when Mark and Mary approached me. I didn’t recognize either of them. I assumed they had grown up while I was away. Introducing himself, Mark said, “I understand you have been studying counseling.”
I smiled and said, “Well, a little bit.”
“I have a question,” he said. “Can a couple make it in marriage if they disagree on everything?”
It was one of those theoretical questions that I knew had a personal root. I brushed aside the theoretical nature of his question and asked him a personal question. “How long have you been married?”
“Two years,” he responded. “And we don’t agree on anything.”
“Give me some examples,” I continued.
“Well, for one thing, Mary doesn’t like me to go hunting. I work all week in the mill, and I like to go hunting on Saturdays—not every Saturday but when hunting season is in.”
Mary had been silent until this point when she interjected. “When hunting season is out, he goes fishing, and besides that, he doesn’t hunt just on Saturdays. He takes off from work to go hunting.”
“Once or twice a year I take off two or three days from work to go hunting in the mountains with some buddies. I don’t think there is anything wrong with that.”
“What else do you disagree on?” I asked.
“Well, she wants me to go to church all the time. I don’t mind going on Sunday morning, but Sunday night I like to rest. It’s all right if she wants to go, but I don’t think I ought to have to go.”
Again, Mary spoke up. “You don’t really want me to go either,” she said. “You fuss every time I walk out the door.”
I knew that things weren’t supposed to be getting this hot under a shady tree in front of a church. As a young, aspiring counselor, I feared that I was getting in over my head, but having been trained to ask questions and listen, I continued. “What other things do you disagree on?”
This time Mary answered. “He wants me to stay home all day and work in the house,” she said. “He gets mad if I go see my mother or go shopping or something.”
“I don’t mind her going to see her mother,” he said, “but when I come home, I like to see the house cleaned up. Some weeks, she doesn’t make the bed up for three or four days, and half the time, she hasn’t even started supper. I work hard, and I like to eat when I get home. Besides that, the house is a wreck,” he continued. “The baby’s things are all over the floor, the baby is dirty, and I don’t like filth. She seems to be happy to live in a pigpen. We don’t have very much, and we live in a small mill house, but at least it could be clean.”
“What’s wrong with his helping me around the house?” Mary asked. “He acts like a husband shouldn’t do anything around the house. All he wants to do is work and hunt. He expects me to do everything. He even expects me to wash the car.”
Thinking that I had better start looking for solutions rather than prying for more disagreements, I looked at Mark and asked, “Mark, when you were dating, before you got married, did you go hunting every Saturday?”
“Most Saturdays,” he said, “but I always got home in time to go see her on Saturday night. Most of the time, I’d get home in time to wash my truck before I went to see her. I didn’t like to go see her with a dirty truck.”