Tracie grew up with the symphony. Throughout her childhood, the house was filled with classical music. At least once a year, she accompanied her parents to the symphony. Larry, on the other hand, grew up on country and western music. He never actually attended a concert, but the radio was always on, tuned to the country station. The symphony he called elevator music. Had he not married Tracie, he could have lived his life without ever attending the symphony. Before they were married, while he was still in the obsessed state of being in love, he went to the symphony. But even in his euphoric emotional state, his attitude was, “You call this stuff music?” After marriage, that was one experience he never expected to repeat. When, however, he discovered several years later that quality time was Tracie’s primary love language and that she especially liked the dialect of quality activities and that attending the symphony was one of those activities, he chose to go with an enthusiastic spirit. His purpose was clear. It was not to attend the symphony but to love Tracie and to speak her language loudly. In time, he did come to appreciate the symphony and even occasionally to enjoy a movement or two. He may never become a symphony lover, but he has become proficient at loving Tracie.
Quality activities may include such activities as putting in a garden, visiting flea markets, shopping for antiques, listening to music, picnicking together, taking long walks, or washing the car together on a hot summer day. The activities are limited only by your interest and willingness to try new experiences. The essential ingredients in a quality activity are: (1) at least one of you wants to do it, (2) the other is willing to do it, (3) both of you know why you are doing it—to express love by being together.
One of the by-products of quality activities is that they provide a memory bank from which to draw in the years ahead. Fortunate is the couple who remembers an early morning stroll along the coast, the spring they planted the flower garden, the time they got poison ivy chasing the rabbit through the woods, the night they attended their first major league baseball game together, the one and only time they went skiing together and he broke his leg, the amusement parks, the concerts, the cathedrals, and oh, yes, the awe of standing beneath the waterfall after the two-mile hike. They can almost feel the mist as they remember. Those are memories of love, especially for the person whose primary love language is quality time.
And where do we find time for such activities, especially if both of us have vocations outside the home? We make time just as we make time for lunch and dinner. Why? Because it is just as essential to our marriage as meals are to our health. Is it difficult? Does it take careful planning? Yes. Does it mean we have to give up some individual activities? Perhaps. Does it mean we do some things we don’t particularly enjoy? Certainly. Is it worth it? Without a doubt. What’s in it for me? The pleasure of living with a spouse who feels loved and knowing that I have learned to speak his or her love language fluently.
A personal word of thanks to Bill and Betty Jo in Little Rock, who taught me the value of love language number one, Words of Affirmation, and love language number two, Quality Time. Now, it’s on to Chicago and love language number three.
If your spouse’s love language is Quality Time:
1. Take a walk together through the old neighborhood where one of you grew up. Ask questions about your spouse’s childhood. Ask, “What are the fun memories of your childhood?” Then, “What was most painful about your childhood?”
2. Go to the city park and rent bicycles. Ride until you are tired, then sit and watch the ducks. When you get tired of the quacks, roll on to the rose garden. Learn each other’s favorite color of rose and why. (If the bikes are too much, take turns pulling each other in a little red wagon.)
3. In the spring or summer make a luncheon appointment with your spouse. Meet him and drive to the local cemetery. Spread your tablecloth and eat your sandwiches and thank God that you are still alive. Share with each other one thing you would like to do before you die.
4. Ask your spouse for a list of five activities that he would enjoy doing with you. Make plans to do one of them each month for the next five months. If money is a problem, space the freebies between the “we can’t afford this” events.
5. Ask your spouse where she most enjoys sitting when talking with you. The next week, call her one afternoon and say, “I want to make a date with you one evening this week to sit on the yellow sofa and talk. Which night and what time would be best for you?” (Don’t say “yellow sofa” if her favorite place is in the Jacuzzi!)