As I listened to Betty Jo, the lights came on. I knew that I had made a significant discovery. The love language of one person is not necessarily the love language of another. It was obvious that Bill’s primary love language was Words of Affirmation. He was a hard worker, and he enjoyed his work, but what he wanted most from his wife was expressions of appreciation for his work. That pattern was probably set in childhood, and the need for verbal affirmation was no less important in his adult life. Betty Jo, on the other hand, was emotionally crying out for something else. Positive words were fine, but her deep emotional longing is for something else. That brings us to love language number two.
NOTES
1. Proverbs 18:21.
2. Proverbs 12:25.
If your spouse’s love language is Words of Affirmation:
1. To remind yourself that “Words of Affirmation” is your spouse’s primary love language, print the following on a 3x5 card and put it on a mirror or other place where you will see it daily:
Words are important!
Words are important!
Words are important!
2. For one week, keep a written record of all the words of affirmation you give your spouse each day. At the end of the week, sit down with your spouse and review your record.
On Monday, I said:
“You did a great job on this meal.”
“You really look nice in that outfit.”
“I really appreciate your picking up the laundry.”
On Tuesday, I said:
etc.
You might be surprised how well (or how poorly) you are speaking words of affirmation.
1. Set a goal to give your spouse a different compliment each day for one month. If “an apple a day keeps the doctor away,” maybe a compliment a day will keep the counselor away. (You may want to record these compliments also, so you will not duplicate the statements.)
2. As you read the newspaper, magazines, and books, or watch TV or listen to radio, look for words of affirmation which people use. Observe people in conversation. Write those affirming statements in a notebook. (If they are cartoons, clip and paste them in your notebook.) Read through these periodically and select those you could use with your spouse. When you use one, note the date on which you used it. Your notebook may become your love book. Remember, words are important!
3. Write a love letter, a love paragraph, or a love sentence to your spouse, and give it quietly or with fanfare! (Chances are, when he dies, you will find your love letter tucked away in some special place.) Words are important!
4. Compliment your spouse in the presence of his parents or friends. You will get double credit: Your spouse will feel loved and the parents will feel lucky to have such a great son-in-law or daughter-in-law.
5. Look for your spouse’s strengths and tell her how much you appreciate those strengths. Chances are she will work hard to live up to her reputation.
6. Tell your children how great their mother or father is. Do this behind your spouse’s back and in her presence.
7. Write a poem describing how you feel about your spouse. If you are not a poet, choose a card that expresses how you feel. Underline special words and add a few of your own at the end.
8. If you find speaking “Words of Affirmation” is difficult for you, practice in front of a mirror. Use a cue card if you must, and remember, words are important.
chapter five
Love Language #2
QUALITY TIME
I should have picked up on Betty Jo’s primary love language from the beginning. What was she saying on that spring night when I visited her and Bill in Little Rock? “Bill is a good provider, but he doesn’t spend any time with me. What good is the house and the recreational vehicle and all the other things if we don’t ever enjoy them together?” What was her desire? Quality time with Bill. She wanted his attention. She wanted him to focus on her, to give her time, to do things with her.
By “quality time,” I mean giving someone your undivided attention. I don’t mean sitting on the couch watching television together. When you spend time that way, ABC or NBC has your attention—not your spouse. What I mean is sitting on the couch with the TV off, looking at each other and talking, giving each other your undivided attention. It means taking a walk, just the two of you, or going out to eat and looking at each other and talking. Have you ever noticed that in a restaurant, you can almost always tell the difference between a dating couple and a married couple? Dating couples look at each other and talk. Married couples sit there and gaze around the restaurant. You’d think they went there to eat!
When I sit on the couch with my wife and give her twenty minutes of my undivided attention and she does the same for me, we are giving each other twenty minutes of life. We will never have those twenty minutes again; we are giving our lives to each other. It is a powerful emotional communicator of love.