Randi,
I could easily say that I don’t know why I did it, or that I just hadn’t gotten around to telling you yet, but that wouldn’t be the truth. The truth is that I was afraid of losing you. What if you didn’t want me to be your mystery friend? What if he was more important than our physical relationship? I was trying to figure out how I’d deal with that, but I couldn’t. I guess I was a coward, and I was trying to find out how you felt about me by continuing to be S. for a while. It never occurred to me that it might hurt you. I was going to tell you before we went to the ball, but when you said you couldn’t love a man like me in your email, it nearly destroyed me. I guess I felt like there was no point in confessing after that.
Her tears flowed faster as she read the response again through blurred vision. If it had been any other man except Evan, she might hesitate before she believed what he was saying. But this was Evan, and he was special. His brain was wired a little differently, and his experience with true relationships was almost nonexistent. She believed him.
She typed back.
Evan,
Why does it matter to you what I said? We’ve always both known that our relationship couldn’t go anywhere. I have a life here, and you’re constantly traveling. I never meant to fall in love with you. It just happened. Maybe I shouldn’t have told you, but I couldn’t hold it inside me anymore. But I didn’t expect the words to matter, and I didn’t expect anything for saying them. I’ve just learned that life is too short not to tell somebody you love them if you really do.
Randi sighed as she sent the message, her hands still shaking from the knowledge that her feelings had been that important to a man like Evan.
He wrote back quickly.
Randi,
Maybe I’ve never had a woman who made me want to stay in the same place before. Perhaps I’ve been chasing goals that I’ve already achieved. I wanted to be better than my father, and it’s been my priority for years. I guess when you meet the right woman, your priorities change completely. I challenged you to make me happy. You do. You’re the only person who can. It doesn’t matter what we’re doing. If I’m with you, I’m a happy man.
She read the message quickly, realizing that he was saying he wanted more. Although she wanted the same thing desperately, it just wasn’t possible. She started to sob as she typed back a quick reply.
Evan,
Being together permanently isn’t practical. I’m a prostitute’s daughter, Evan. I was a street kid. You’re a very powerful man, and people would love to get that kind of gossip to make your life miserable. I can’t do that to you, no matter how much I care.
After she sent her reply, Randi knew she should sign off. Her emotions were drained, and she had her answer. It was more surprising than she’d ever imagined. Evan cared about her so much he had been afraid he couldn’t measure up in person to the man he’d been while she was writing to him. For such a complicated man, his emotions were simple. He had been afraid to tell, terrified of being rejected.
Evan shot back an email moments later.
Randi,
Bullshit! Do you think I give a flying fuck about what other people think? Your past has made you who you are, and I love everything about you. I’d change your childhood if I could, but only because nobody was there for you except your foster parents. Contemplating all of the things that could have happened to you rips my heart out every time I think about it.
“Evan loves me,” Randi told Lily, stroking the golden head that was currently plopped in her lap. Lily’s ears seemed to prick up as though she recognized Evan’s name, her nose twitched interestedly, and her tail thumped a couple of times before she laid her head back down.
Randi’s heart started beating so hard and fast that it was pounding in her ears. She wrote back.
Evan,
We can talk next time you’re in town. Maybe we just need some time to think about this before we jump into anything stupid. Since you’re already on the way to your meeting in San Francisco, we can spend some time thinking about if we can manage to work this out.
Randi felt like she needed to give Evan an out, an opportunity to think about who he was getting seriously involved with before he made declarations he might regret. Distance and time wouldn’t change the way she felt about him; she’d just miss him more.