“I didn’t when I started out. I first began to sew when I was twelve and could no longer fit into regular sized women’s clothes. I’m sure you understand how that goes. Men have the big and tall shops, but women only have plus sized shops, and I’m too slender for those clothes. It was either learn to sew or wear men’s clothes for the rest of my life.”
“But now you like it?” he asked.
“As I got better at it, I started to like it. I had a lot of fun fixing up my little house in Texas. Some of the moms of the girls I taught hired me to make their prom dresses for them. I even made wedding dresses for some of those girls a few years later,” she told him. “It’s nice to be able to do something that’s appreciated. There’s no way I’d have been able to buy an off the rack wedding dress in my size.”
“I guess that makes sense,” he agreed.
Once they were home, he changed into some work clothes and went out to do the evening’s milking while she took inventory in the kitchen to find something that she could cook for dinner that night. There wasn’t much to choose from. He hadn’t lied about living on frozen dinners, sandwiches, and frozen burritos. It was too late to get any shopping done, but she put it on her mental to-do list for tomorrow. For tonight, they’d have to make do with sandwiches.
As she started scrubbing off the kitchen counters and cleaning out the microwave, she realized that this was the first time she’d been alone for more than ten minutes since the wedding. As she thought back over the last few days, she wondered what the future would hold. She knew she could be content to keep house and make love with Jason every night, but she wasn’t sure if she could be truly happy without his love.
She was so deeply in love with him it hurt. Could she love him, and not be loved in return without being miserable?
*****
Before that week, Amanda had no clue how many hours per day a farmer actually worked. Jason explained that summers were the busiest time of the year, but freely admitted that he worked a whole lot of hours no matter what time of year it was. She quickly began to feel like the only time she got to see her husband was when they were eating and when they were making love.
She had never been one to think she needed to be around other people at all times, but the quiet on the farm started messing with her head at times. She made sure that she always kept a list of what they needed from town posted on the refrigerator, and when she needed to see another human, she would head into town, grocery shop, and meet Stephanie for lunch.
They’d been married for around a month, when Amanda realized she was going insane from the quiet again, so she invited Stephanie and the kids out to the farm for lunch that day. When Stephanie arrived without the children, Amanda was thrilled. She’d finally have a chance to talk to her friend privately.
After gushing over all the work done on the house, Stephanie pulled Amanda down onto the couch with her. “Well?” she asked.
“Well what?” asked Amanda.
Stephanie rolled her eyes. “I need to hear how everything is going. You seem happy with Jason.”
Amanda blushed. “Jason and I get along great. He’s really everything that I was hoping for.”
Stephanie smiled brightly. “I was hoping you’d feel that way!”
“Yeah, he’s really wonderful.” She paused for a moment looking down at her hands. “I just hope I can keep him from finding out how much I love him.”
“He is wonderful, and… What?” Stephanie got a confused look on her face as Amanda’s words finally sank in. “Why would you not want to love your husband?”
Amanda shook her head staring at the floor.
“Amanda! Why?”
“I honestly don’t think I could stand it if he knew how I felt, and he never had any feelings for me,” she whispered.
Stephanie stared at her. “Why do you think he doesn’t love you?”
Amanda shook her head, tears starting to fall. “No one ever has. I’ve known for years that I’m just one of those people that can be loved by friends, but not romantically.”
“Are you serious?” Stephanie asked incredulously.
Amanda nodded, her head bowed.
“Wow. I had no idea you felt that way.” She was silent for a moment as if searching for the right words. “Amanda, you’ve never really even dated anyone. You scared all the guys off when you could see over the top of their heads. Which one of those numbskulls would have fallen for you?”
Amanda hiccupped a laugh. “Numbskulls?”
“Absolute numbskulls,” Stephanie said adamantly. “Jason isn’t a numbskull. If he wasn’t half in love with you when he asked you to marry him, sight unseen I’ll remind you, then I’d be shocked.”