Ten(8)

I begin with my brother’s old room. It’s like stepping into a time machine. Everything is exactly how he left it. Nothing has been changed or packed away. Clothes lie tossed on the floor, a magazine lies on the end of his unmade bed. There’s a musky smell to the room so I open the window and decide that most of this stuff can go straight in the trash. I’ll donate to Goodwill the things that are still good.

Memories flicker in front of me like a movie when I find a box of pictures under his bed. My brother wasn’t really one for sentiment so it stumps me at first, and then emotions take hold of me and my eyes blur as our teenage years play out in front of me.

“Get on, Alex. You’re coming with us today,” Jonah informed me, and every nerve ending buzzed with electricity.

I was allowed to go with them to the watering hole. I was already in my two-piece in anticipation as Dalton had told me the night before he was going to tell Jonah to let me come along today. Jonah had been more laid back lately about me coming places with them, and I didn’t question the whys of that. I leapt onto the back of his bike and held his hips.

“Where are we going?” I asked, not letting on that I already knew.

“I’m taking you swimming. I know how much you love the watering hole and I should take you more, but I’ve been busy.”

There was guilt in his tone that I wasn’t used to, so I wrapped my arms around his waist and squeezed. “It’s okay. Thanks for letting me come,” I mumbled into his back.

I was getting too big to ride on the back of his bike but the dirt roads we had to take had blind spots so Jonah always felt safer with me on his bike.

And from behind him I could watch Dalton without worrying Jonah would catch my lingering gaze. From the first night Dalton kissed me, he found it hard to keep the kisses from happening on a regular basis, and I wasn’t complaining. I never felt more alive than when I was with him, locked in a bind of lust. I’d become bolder with him, letting my hands wander to new places on his body, and every time he would groan and then pull away to shower. I was fifteen, and growing more into a woman every day. I liked to tease him by showing more revealing clothes, and when he sneaked through my bedroom window at night to lay with me until I fell asleep, I wore the tiniest of shorts. I knew he would be my first and I didn’t want to wait, but he did, which almost killed me every time I felt the warm planes of his body against mine. Most girls are scared of losing their virginity, but I wasn’t. I couldn’t wait to give myself to Dalton, to complete our connection. I was made for him and him alone, so waiting didn’t make sense to me.

When we arrived, there were others there from our school, including Lisa and Lacy, who both made short time of flouncing over to Jonah and Dalton. They both wore tiny two-pieces that showed off their bodies.

“Hey, Alex. It’s good to see you outside of school,” Lacy said with a genuine smile, and I returned it with one of my own that quickly slipped from my face when Lisa laughed at something Dalton said.

“You been dumped babysitting?” Lisa sniggered to Dalton while looking at me.

I felt the flush of my cheeks. The last thing I needed was that horrible witch pointing out my youth to everyone. There wasn’t even that much of a difference, and as I aged, that difference became less significant.

“I don’t need a babysitter.” I smirked at her and the boys she was with as they approached us. “I’m not a kid anymore.”

I reached down to the hem of my tee and lifted it from my body, showing off my C cups in a string white bikini I’d bought at the mall after school last week with money Mom had given me for a one-piece.

All eyes were on me and I basked in the attention.

Yeah, you won’t always be able to play the young card, Lisa.

I began unbuttoning my shorts when Jonah’s hand grasped my wrist. My heart skipped.

“What the hell is that?” He snarled, staring at my bikini top.

“A swimsuit.”

“Like fuck, Alex. You don’t need to act like these whores to make a statement. You’re better than all of them.”

Lisa’s snort at his statement was ignored.

“I’m not a baby anymore, Jonah, and I want to wear what the hell I want, not for anyone else, but for me. I like it.”

I moaned sounding like a baby sister to my own ears.

“Do you know how many punks I’m going to have to punch just because you want to flaunt yourself?”

God, was I ever going to be allowed to grow up?

“I’ll keep an eye on her, Jonah. Let her have some fun. It’s hot as hell out here and all the girls have on less than her,” Dalton said, and caused dragonflies to flutter in my gut.

“Fine, but you’re keeping the shorts on.”

I huffed out a puff of air in frustration and shook my head in defeat. “Whatever.”

I pushed past my brother and waded straight into the water. I felt the ripples move behind me and turned to see Lisa had followed me in.

“You might have grown some tits but you’ll always be Jonah’s baby sister, and no matter how hard you pine for Dalton to see you as a woman, he will always only see that.”

My eyes misted over at her words. I looked around her to see Dalton and Jonah cracking up over a shared joke. I knew it wasn’t true; she didn’t know what he and I had, and what we already shared, but the fear from always wondering if we could ever be out in the open tore from the confines I’d buried it in and placed doubt in my mind.

“You don’t know what you’re talking about,” I snapped, and turned away to try and mask the truth that she’d got to me.

“You know he called me your name once.” I stopped moving and tried not to wince from the pain of thinking of him being with her. “At first I was mad but then I found it kinda kinky. I let him pretend I’m you when he comes to me for his fix.”

She’s lying.

“What he doesn’t know is I stay in character even when I’m fucking his best friend. I like the taboo feel of it.”

I whipped around and splashed water in her face, making her screech like a wild pig being butchered. “You’re disgusting, and a lying skank.”

“You’re a little bitch!” she shouted.

Before she could do anything else, Jonah and Dalton appeared next to us and the whole crowd watched wide-eyed at our little outburst.

“What the fuck did you do?” Jonah growls in her face and her shoulders tense as she flinches from his aggressive stance.

“Nothing. She couldn’t take a joke.”

I want to tell him what she said but I can’t without mentioning the Dalton part.

“Are you okay?” Dalton asks, but I can’t look at him right now.

“I’m fine, she just sucks at joke telling,” I spat as I walked past them all to exit the water.

The day I’d been looking forward to was nowhere in sight. Instead I just wanted to go home.

Jonah followed me out and put a towel around my shoulders. “What did she say to you?”

“Have you slept with her?” I asked, and it came out as an accusation.

His eyebrows drew together and he shrugged. “Probably. I sleep with a lot of girls, Alex.”

Probably? Seriously?

“You don’t know if you’ve slept with her? What the hell, Jonah? Do you even care that the women you put your dick inside are actual people with feelings? You should at least acknowledge the fact you’ve slept with them if you have.”

I didn’t know why I was all of a sudden defending Lisa. Well, it wasn’t actually her I cared about, but girls like Lacy who really liked him and gave herself to him willingly, hoping it would mean something to him. He couldn’t even remember them from one to the next.

“What the hell, Alex? I’m stoned half the time and so are they. They shouldn’t put out to anyone if they want more from a guy. You’re the only girl I’ll ever care about. Why do you care, anyway? Has someone touched you like that?”

All of a sudden his whole posture stiffened and his pupils expanded. I rested my hands on his shoulders to calm him down and quickly unruffle the feathers I’d riled up.

“No, of course not. I just don’t like Lisa and I know that she was with Dalton for a while so it’s creepy that you share.”

He shrugged and smiled down at me. “Dalton doesn’t care about her or who else is fucking her, he just takes her up on an easy lay when the mood strikes.”

My insides curdled and I was screaming inside while trying to keep myself from bursting out into a full on sob. “Like, still? I didn’t think he was still doing that with her,” I managed to say, while swallowing the growing lump in my throat.

“Sometimes it’s just easier to give the chicks what they want so they leave us alone for a bit.” He looked over his shoulder at them still in the water in a heated talk. “He’s probably knuckle deep in her right now to calm her down.”

Bile rose up my throat, burning a path into my mouth.

“I don’t feel good,” I whimpered, rushing to find somewhere to compose myself.

“Hey, what’s going on, Alex? This can’t be about not liking Lisa?”

“I’m fine. I’m just going to sunbathe for a bit until I feel better.”

I throw the pictures back in the box and stuff the lid back on. I should have been the one kicking Lisa in that alley. She’s still the spiteful bitch she’s always been, and he was with her after everything. I hate how painful that knowledge is. My head is pounding and I’m starving. I don’t really want to leave the house but I’ll be damned if I let them make me the victim who hides away. I dust off my clothes and grab my purse.