It will kill me to walk away but I never realized how strong I am until it was the only thing I could be. DJ needs me to be his mother. He needs me to be home.
I quickly dress and make my way down the stairs. The place is empty. I look at my watch to see it’s past eight; it should be open by now. It’s eerily quiet but I’m happy I don’t have to do the walk of shame in front of everyone, including Jude.
When I get outside I remember I got dropped off here and have no car. I’m only wearing a shirt that has a couple of buttons missing and a skirt, and it’s chilly outside now. A light drizzle peppers my skin.
I begin the walk home and berate myself for not wearing flats today. My feet ache because the heels sink in to the newly dampened grass. I don’t want to risk walking on the road and being hit by a car. That would be the perfect ending to this trip.
The sound of a car horn nearly makes me fall in a ditch, and my heart picks up pace. For a fleeting moment I’m terrified it’s Keith again, but Lacy’s car pulls up next to me. The window lowers and she hesitantly smiles at me. “It’s raining,” she says, like I didn’t know. I’m soaked and my shirt is becoming transparent. “You need a ride?”
I stop walking, crossing my arms over my chest. “If I get attacked in your car, are you going to just let it happen?” I ask, hating myself for being bitchy as soon as the words left my lips.
“I’m sorry, Alex. I’ve been so mad at myself for what happened. Just let me give you a ride.”
I open the door and get in, noticing she’s all dressed up. “Are you going out?”
She grins and wiggles her brows up and down. “I’m going in.”
“Okay…”
Her laughter is light and it’s a nice distraction from the mess that is my life.
“I’m going to Mason’s.” She winks. “He likes me to fuck him.”
Her eyebrows wriggle again and I wrinkle my nose.
“As in …?” I don’t want to assume what I think she’s implying.
She nods and bursts into a fit of laughter. “Don’t tell him I told you that.”
“I promise I won’t. I’m going to try and forget I know that.”
The rest of the drive is spent making small talk, and I’m glad she drove by so we could make up before I leave.
We pull up, and dread fills me when I see a figure sitting on my porch. I look over to Dalton’s old house and see no lights on so Six must be out.
“What the hell does she want?” Lacy asks, posing it as a question but probably not expecting me to answer. “Do you want me to stay?”
“No, go give Mason his treat. I can handle her.”
I get out of the car and shut the door then wave to Lacy through the window and make my way down the path towards Lisa.
“You have some nerve.”
“Huh. You’re one to talk.”
“What the hell do you want, Lisa?”
“You gone.”
“You really are stupid, aren’t you? You think Dalton loves you? That he’ll be with you whether I’m here or not? He uses you when he can’t have me and always has.”
“I will tear your fucking hair out if you keep talking shit, Alex.”
I push into her space, our chests almost touching. “I’m not injured and lying on the floor this time, and I will hurt you if I have to.”
“We were together before you showed up and tried to ruin everything. I’m having his kid, Alex, so go crawl back under the rock you came from.”
Her words hit me like a fist to the chest. I’m winded by them. She knows she’s hit me with a critical blow.
“Well, don’t worry. I’m leaving tonight.” I push past her.
“Good riddance,” she calls at my back, but I’m dying and can’t turn around.
I fumble with the keys and unlock the door, pushing inside and slamming the door closed. I grab the pillow from the blow up bed in the living room, cover my face with it, and let it have my full meltdown. Screaming into it, I push it tighter and tighter to my face as more anger, hurt, and pain pour from me like a wave crashing against the shore.
Once I calm myself, I drop the pillow to the floor and ignore the unstable wobble of my legs. Grasping up my belongings, I shove everything into my suitcase and rush for the door. Once I’m outside I remember I left my car on that dirt road, but scanning the street I see it parked a couple of cars up. Jimmy must have had it brought here. I want to cry in relief; I must call him when I get home and let him know I’ve left, and tell him he can mail my Dad’s ashes to my mother.
I load the car and call Leon.
“Hello?”
“Hey, it’s me.”
“I know who it is, Alex.” He laughs and it’s good to hear his voice.
“I’m going to catch the next plane out.”
“Really?” He sighs. “That’s good to hear. We miss you.”
“I know. I’m sorry.”
“You sound like you’ve been crying. Are you okay?”
How did he know that?
“Yeah, just a tough day. I’ll see you both soon. Kiss my boy for me.”
“Will do. He’s asleep now so you might make it home for when he gets out of school tomorrow. You can surprise him.”
“I’d like that. Thanks again, Leon. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”
“You never have to worry about finding out.”
I end the call and start the car.
I can’t take my eyes from her sleeping form. She drifted into a slumber when I finished making love to her for the third time. I loved getting to know her body again; it was like the first time all over again. We’ve both changed over the years, and exploring the new curves, blemishes, and little scars that give character to her skin was like nothing I’d felt before. I loved her with everything I was when we were young, but as you age, everything feels more solid, real, breakable.
“Stay with me in this moment, Alex,” I whispered to her sleeping form. I didn’t want it to end. I didn’t want the reality of what I am now to be the real. I didn’t think I could ever be this way. I thought this was over for me. They say time heals, but for me it doesn’t. She heals me.
“Are you fucking kidding me with this shit?” Lisa’s irritating voice blares into the room.
I leap from the bed buck ass naked and shove her back through the door. “Shut your fucking mouth!” I hiss, looking back into the room to make sure she didn’t wake Alex.
“I can’t believe you fell into bed with her after everything she did.”
“You don’t know what the hell you’re talking about. I’m so sick of you and my uncle acting like you know anything about what I went through or how it felt. It was me that did that time. It was me who was betrayed by people I trusted. Not you. Not him. Me.”
“I’m pregnant,” she blurts out, shocking the life from me for about two seconds. I laugh at her. She’s beyond desperate and it’s embarrassing. “It’s yours, Ten.”
“Lisa, I always double wrap when I fuck you, and even then I never finish inside your cunt.”
Her face reddens and she crosses her arms over her chest. “That’s not true, and condoms split all the time.”
“Not with us, they don’t. Now take your sorry ass and get the fuck out of my place. And, Lisa, if you go near Alex again it won’t be my uncle you need to be frightened of.”
“I hate her. She ruins everything and always has. What’s so freaking special about her? What is she that I’m not?”
I shake my head, pitying her, and I feel like a cunt for ever dipping back into her. I knew she had always had feelings for me, and I was selfish because it was easy to be with her that way.
“She’s everything.”
“I can be your everything,” she pleads.
“You can’t be her,” I tell her honestly, without animosity.
“I never was anything but a gap filler for her, was I?” She looks defeated and I don’t want to rub salt in her wounds.
“We had fun but it’s over now. You should be with someone who can give you what I can’t.”
“And what’s that?”
“My heart.”
I watch her flee down the stairs and it dawns on me that there’s no music coming from downstairs. I creep back into my room and pull on a pair of jeans.
The place is empty apart from Jude and Six standing behind the bar.
“I told him not to open.” Six speaks before I can ask. He pours me a drink and slides it down the bar. “I thought you deserved the privacy.” He nods at me and looks up the stairs. I forgot he was here earlier. Did he see what went down with Alex and me?
“Do we need to finish that talk?” I ask, unsure of what's between him and Alex.
“It’s not like that. I just know a good person when I meet one.” He looks at me with his dark, penetrating gaze.
My whole body relaxes and I let out a breath of air. The last thing I wanted was to have something come between him and me.
There’s a tap at the door and all our eyes look in that direction.
“It’s Jimmy.”
I nod to Jude to let him in. Jimmy enters with an air of authority, looking me up and down and then turning his attention to Six who looks fucking intimidating standing with his arms crossed, his muscles bulging.