Ten(14)

His throaty chuckle rattled the cot. “You need to learn to read people. Try to figure out if people have a reason to lie or mislead you. Some fuckers in here will try to intimidate you or mislead you for the hell of it. Be careful.”

“How do I know you won’t?”

I had to choose my words carefully. Potentially, anything I said to him, no matter how innocent I thought it was, could have been the opposite. It could have been taken out of context. Did he have a trigger? Would he blow up at me if I asked too many questions? Fuck, I hated this.

“You don’t. You can’t trust anyone.”

Oh great. That’s encouraging.

He went silent after that and I gathered that was his goodnight.

Over the coming weeks he spoke to me every night, teaching me something new.

“Avoid conversational topics or your opinions of shit you’re asked about, like religion or politics. That shit’s not taken lightly in here and you can find yourself with a few holes in your chest if your views differ from those asking you about them.”

I didn’t even know what my views were on those things. I used to think Alex was sent to me from God, but if that were true was he really God, or was it another raw deal from the devil?

“You already see how a lot of groups are all to do with race in prison. Stay the fuck out of racial issues; you don’t want a whole crew of angry fuckers coming at you in the shower. The odds won’t play out like they did last time. Inside these walls, inmates in a clique are like pack animals. Your father’s influence will only get you so far.”

I froze at his words. He knew who my father was?

“You know him?”

“Everyone does. Why do you think that junkie came at you the other week? Your father’s down in solitude for attacking that idiot’s cellmate.”

I wondered where he was. I even got to thinking maybe he was transferred and nobody had told me. It wasn’t like I ever visited him.

“Why did he attack him?” I asked.

“I don’t know. I just know that your Dad is quite the charmer. He has a new nickname now.”

“And that is?”

“Hannibal.”

My stomach jolted and I wasn’t sure I wanted to know more.

“He bit the guy’s wrist. Chewed through the flesh like a ravenous dog. Tore into the artery before anyone could pry him off.”

Silence lay thick between us, and suddenly his head appeared over the cot. His eyes were like black pits in the darkness of the night. It was quite haunting. “Is that the Dad you knew?”

He appeared genuinely intrigued about the answer.

“Dad is not really a title he earned, but the man I knew killed my mother in front of me so…” I didn’t add anymore. I’d already told him more than I should have. There he was warning me about over sharing and not letting people know personal shit about me they could use, and two seconds later I was spilling deep stuff.




Six was the only relationship I had that lasted inside. I got talking to a guy who, like me, was into hockey in a big way. He got sent down for something petty and was told by his homeboys to join a gang when he got inside, because they believed that was the only way to survive inside. The thing about gangs inside is they are far more dominant. They work very differently on the inside than on the outside. My plan was to avoid joining a gang at every cost. Gang members are warriors, and gang leaders demand absolute loyalty. If you were asked to carry out a command it was expected to be done without question. You had no choice, because aside from getting out of prison, there was only one way to quit a prison gang while in prison, and that was by dying.

All prison gangs were separated first and foremost by the races they are typically associated with. Miles, the guy I met, was with the Crips. He was asked to do something he wasn’t capable of, and he was killed in a retaliation attack. It felt close, his death. It’s not like on the outside when you hear things on the news about shit happening in another state. This is in your space. People came and went, and not always through the front gates. It was hard, and made me even more cautious about not letting myself bond with people. All accept Six.

Six didn’t have a clique or crew he hung with, yet he appeared to be respected by them all. Everyone had a chin lift for him when he passed, and some guys even brought stuff to his cell for him. Toothpaste and extra toilet tissue.

In the five years he’d been in there, he must have made a place for himself. Maybe I could do the same.

The most valuable lesson Six taught me was that the normal rules of the outside world simply didn’t apply any longer. Prison was a completely different universe. All that mattered was enduring the experience, and surviving until the end with as little damage as possible. And because of him, I did. No one, especially not my uncle who couldn’t give two fucks about me, was going to tell me I couldn’t trust him.

I didn’t have to say anything. Keith knew he lost me to my thoughts so he got up and left.





I’m so full from dinner. I wish I’d kept one of the beds so I wasn’t sitting on a blow up bed that feels freezing beneath me. I dial Leon on Skype, and beam when my baby’s face appears on the monitor. “Hey, Mom.”

“Hey, baby.”

“Leon is in the shower. He wants to talk to you though.”

“I will, baby. First tell me about your day.”

“I got an A in my Math homework and I signed up for the talent show like you wanted.”

“Really? I’m so proud of you.”

His cheeks flush with embarrassment and he turns to look at something behind him. “Leon’s here now, Mom, so I’m going to take my turn in the shower. Love you.”

“Love you too!” I shout to his retreating back.

Leon’s face replaces DJ’s. “Hello, beautiful. How are things going? We miss you here.”

“I know, I’m sorry. I think I was being ambitious trying to sort everything myself.”

“You want us to come join you to help out?”

“No,” I quickly say. I don’t want DJ meeting this version of his father. “I don’t want him missing school. That’s the whole point of me leaving him with you.”

“Okay. I just hate thinking of you going through this on your own.”

“I had dinner with my Dad’s old friend tonight. He’s arranged a service for my Dad, so that’s something.” I smile, feeling exhausted.

“Alex, do you want to talk about what happened between us?”

Oh God. I’d dreaded him bringing that up. It was a mistake. I love Leon but not in the way he deserves.

“I can see by your face that you don’t.” He doesn’t sound angry. Disappointed, if anything.

“I was wrong for letting that happen.” I frown. “I…”

“Don’t.” He stops me. “Don’t say anything else. I want you to think about how good things could be for us if you just gave me a chance to be more than your friend. I love you and DJ, and I think you know that.”

“I do. I do, and that’s why I trust you with him. I couldn’t and wouldn’t have asked anyone else to watch him for me. And I love you too, just not in the way you want me to.”

“That could change. Just don’t say no to the possibility of us.”

“Okay,” I murmur, feeling defeated.

A knock on the front door startles me.

“I have to go. Kiss my baby for me.”

I end the call and slowly approach the front door. Who the hell could that be?

I detach the latch and open the door an inch, not seeing anyone. A breeze carries a strong smell of paint in with it, puzzling me. I close the door to unlatch it and re-open it wide, stepping outside. I can’t see anyone, but the smell is stronger. Looking back at the house I pause and my chest begins to pound.



Is painted in red across the front door. What the hell? I spin around, running down the garden, searching for the culprit, angry and hurt someone would do this. It had to be a child, or it could be that freaking Lisa; she’s like a child. It would take me forever to wash that off. The cold night air bites at my bare arms and a shiver races through my body. I’m about to turn around and go back inside but I stumble when I see a dark shadow at the side of the house. The person was behind me this whole time and could have gone inside and waited for me because I was stupid enough to leave the door open. He steps into the light of the porch sensor and I recognize him vaguely. Joseph Moore, a second cousin or something along those lines, to Dalton. Did Dalton put him up to this?

“I’m going to call the police!” I shout, hoping he’ll be scared and run away, but he just laughs at me, which chills me, further. I take a step forward and he mimics my action. “You better get the hell out of here!” I shout again.

“Make me.”

My hands begin to shake and I have to swallow the lump making its way up my throat.

“You okay over there?” I hear from behind me, and I sigh in relief. I turn to see Six crossing the street. When I turn back the little punk is gone.

“There was someone by my house,” I say, and grab Six’s arm for support. He looks around at the darkness and then puts an arm around my waist, guiding me inside. “Lock the door. I’m going to check around the house.”

I do as he asks, quickly locking the door and checking all the windows are closed.