She turned in place, showing me the perfect heart-shaped ass that I loved so much. I let her walk into the bathroom before I chased her, delighting in her surprised squeal that I instantly quieted with my mouth.
I pressed my hands into my eye sockets, focusing on calming my breathing so I didn’t succumb to a panic attack. It was what always happened when I let myself indulge in the good memories, the overwhelming heartbreak of recalling how happy we’d been. Because of course, the next time I had seen her, after walking out the door that night, had been when I was claiming her broken, lifeless body.
The tingling started in my hands and shot up my arms, so I launched myself out of the car and braced my hands on the roof. Running through the list of things I’d been told to do to stave off the anxiety that was roiling through me, I focused on five things.
I could feel the cool, smooth roof of my car.
I could smell the paint thinner on the shelf behind me.
I could count my heartbeat.
I could focus on the broken rake hung up on the wall across from me.
After going through that list three more times, the feeling returned to my hands and I could close my eyes without seeing Diana laying there, ready to be prepared for her closed casket service.
There was no way I could do this anymore. Because if I’d seen those underwear when they’d been on Adele, I’d have lost it. And I didn’t deserve these pockets of happiness that she’d been giving me anyway. Every minute of loneliness and ounce of guilt that had been heaped on my shoulders for the last four years was completely justified.
So I walked back into my house, flicking lights on as I walked through the rooms to find my laptop. Numbness crept through my veins as I clicked the keys. I couldn’t even care that I was taking the coward’s way out. But I knew enough to know that facing her right now, after what had happened in the car, I wouldn’t be able to stay strong. I stared at it one more time before I hit send, imagining how she’d take it.
From: Nathaniel Easton
Date: Monday, October 19, 2015 09:32 pm
Subject: I’m sorry
To: Alice Carroll
I can’t do this anymore, Adele. I’m not going to say some dick thing to piss you off enough that you’ll make this decision for me, I’ll just tell you the truth: I can’t do this anymore. This won’t affect your grade in my class, I’ll be able to stay objective. Please don’t fight me on this, because it’s the one thing I won’t be able to do with you. Just respect my decision, and trust that it’s in your best interest.
Best,
Nathan
• • •
I clicked send, then deleted all of her emails.
Suddenly exhausted, I stared at the blank screen of my computer for a few minutes, struggling to understand why that action made me want to break every item in my home, then set it all on fire.
Chapter Twenty
I ripped the gloves off my hands, sweat pouring down my heaving chest. When I’d hung the punching bag in my basement, I’d never considered that I’d need it to relieve tension from ending a non-relationship with one of my students.
Sleep hadn’t come, even though I’d tried. Instead I’d laid in my dark, quiet room and stared at the ceiling, wondering if Adele had seen my email, or if she’d responded. So I gave up after an hour and went to blow off some steam, the only other way that might work, given that sex wasn’t an option.
So I beat the hell out of the red, weighted bag. Not relenting in the slightest until I thought my shoulders might separate from the rest of my body, the muscles hot with overuse. I was taking a pull from my water bottle when there was a pounding on the front door.
12:03 AM.
There was only one person who would be attempting to rip my door off its hinges in the middle of the night.
“Shit,” I muttered and bounded up the stairs, not keen on letting her in, but definitely not wanting her to wake the neighbors. Wrenching the door open, I didn’t even wait to look at her face, I just yanked her in and slammed it behind her. “What the hell are you doing here?”
Oh, she was pissed. Adele squared off in front of me, body shaking with rage. I knew it was rage and not the cold because there was holy fire burning in her eyes. But when she lifted both hands and shoved against my chest, I was so surprised that she actually managed to make me stumble backward.
“You are such a fucking coward I can barely even stand to look at you right now,” she seethed through clenched teeth.
“Well then maybe you should leave.”
She laughed, one sharp burst of sound. “There is no way I’m letting you get off that easy. Not even an hour, not even one hour after I walked into my apartment, you’re telling me it’s over. That you’re doing what’s best for me?”