As the guys are wrapping up their song, Jordon drops down on his knees and begins playing the killer riff at the end of the song, making the entire arena go crazy.
Watching the crowd give a standing ovation makes tears well up in my eyes.
Opening my eyes wide I blink them away because the last thing I need to do is make my mascara run.
The next hour flies by. My bandmates and I, along with Lady Gaga presented an award together. She looked amazing as always. I love how she always goes outside the box with her award show looks.
Finally, I give Jordon a quick peck, making sure not to smudge my lipstick all over his lips and make my way backstage with Holden, Casper, Levi and Nash to get ready for our performance. The entire stage is pitched black as I walk towards the grand piano sitting in the center of the stage.
The guys are set up behind me with Nash at his drum set, Caper and Holden on opposite sides of me with their electric guitars and Levi on bass beside Casper.
After we are announced, the stage’s dimly lit lights focus on me sitting at the piano, illuminating me in a soft glow, while keeping the guys behind me in the dark, smoky mist. Taking in a deep breath, I slowly and effortlessly begin sliding my fingers over the ivory keys and down on the pedals of the piano. As I begin playing the song I wrote for Jordon; the soft and beautiful melody flows out of the piano, floating throughout the arena.
With each key I press, my heart rate increases as it slams against my ribs with every heartbeat. The guys are waiting for me to sing the first verse then they’ll join in.
Softly, I sing into the mic with my eyes closed, envisioning Jordon as the tone turns dark and whimsical.
*
Eyes see straight into my soul,
Exposing all the secrets I try to hide,
What you don’t know is my sadness is like a poison,
As deadly as a loaded gun.
*
As I hammer away on the keys, Casper starts in on the electric guitar, and Nash begins beating rhythmically on the drums, with Levi and Holden joining in as I begin to sing the chorus at the top of my lungs pleading with the vision inside of my head.
*
Save me from the evil inside of me,
Poison, poison destroying everything I see!
*
Slowing the melody back down I start to sing softly again while I fight to keep my emotions intact and the tears that are trying to escape my eyes at bay.
*
You see the real me I hide so deep,
Behind the fake smile are tears of pain,
Exposed to you I show my scars,
Pain locked behind steel bars.
*
When I start the chorus again, my voice is loud and flawless. The entire audience is quiet as they listen to the lyrics and connect with the music that’s causing goose bumps to cover every inch of my flesh.
*
Save me from the evil inside of me,
Poison, poison destroying everything I see!
*
Guilt is eating away at me,
I’m ashamed of what I’ve become,
Wounds wide open exposed to you,
For you, I try to become something new.
*
Save me from the evil inside of me,
Poison, poison destroying everything I see!
*
Save me from the evil inside of me,
Poison, poison destroying everything I see.
*
I glance out at the audience full of my peers, and suck in a sharp breath as I see so many with tear filled eyes like mine. Letting them fall, I set myself free, and my body flies away with the last lyrics of the song. Standing, I shove the bench out as I slam my fingers fiercely across the keys.
*
You see straight through the wall so high
I’m afraid of what you see (I’m ashamed of all my lies)
Crying for the girl I use to be (Falling from the clouds I come crashing back down)
Fighting until I reveal my truths (My escape is no longer getting high)
I now get lost in those eyes (The ones that see through all my lies)
The moment the song ends everyone jumps to their feet and claps while smiling up at me through their tears.
So many know my story of struggle and know how finding Jordon healed me. Now to sing a song so personal, that I wrote while at one of my lowest points when I was struggling with my feelings for Jordon, is therapeutic.
To finally sing it out loud is exhilarating and so freeing. I feel like I’m floating on a cloud as my eyes meet Jordon’s in the third row.
He has a look of complete shock and awe as he claps and whistles up at me and the guys. I mouth I love you as we all wave and exit the stage.
My legs are shaking, and my chest is heaving as adrenaline courses through me. That was one of the most terrifying and amazing things I’ve ever experienced while performing.
Backstage is total chaos as people run around trying to get ready for the next performance and present the next award.
“Dude! That was fucking awesome! Better than it was at rehearsal. Your voice was seriously flawless, Brittan.” Holden says wrapping his arms around me and pulling me in for a bear hug.