We’ve been drinking since backstage at the concert; add what I’ve had here, and my body is starting to relax. I can feel myself letting go; releasing the protective shield on my heart.
I decide to speak my mind and later, if it bites me in the ass, I’ll blame it on the alcohol.
Jordon drinks down the remainder of my beer before setting it down in the sand and shifting his body towards mine as I turn slightly to face him. I curl my legs up behind me and lock my eyes where they’ve been begging to be since he sat down beside me.
Right onto his.
“I have so much I want to say to you…I just don’t know how to get the words out.” I finally say with my words slightly shaky.
Jordon lets out a nervous laugh. “Well let me help you by going first. I like you Brittan. Really like you. Yeah, you’re fucking amazing in the sack, but besides being a fine piece of ass.” He cracks a panty melting smile at me as he mentions our off the Richter scale sex. I feel myself flush in the moonlight that’s glowing over the two of us. “I actually enjoy and want to be around you as much as I can. You are fun, outspoken, always keeping me on my toes, and you’ve invaded my every thought.” This time he lets out the deep raspy laugh I love so much, and slides his hand behind my neck pulling me closer to him. “You’re like a song that no matter how hard I try I can’t get out of my head. Since we’re being honest Brittan, I never want to get you out of my head.”
Holy-fricking-cow!
I don’t know how to respond to that. It’s as if every word he speaks hits my walls like a sledge hammer. Destroying the protective barrier I’ve worked so hard to build and making me question everything.
“Umm…” I lick my lips that are now very dry. It feels like the Sahara desert in my damn throat right now. “I don’t even know how to respond to that. You make my brain go haywire, Jordon. It scares the living shit out of me. Anyone else I can throw any shit their way and after a while they throw their hands in the air and walk away. But you, you just throw it right back at me and push me to fight instead of allowing me to lock myself away from everyone and everything. You seriously scare the shit out of me. You make my heart flutter…like seriously flutter like a damn butterfly in my chest. When I swear it feels like it hasn’t beaten a day since Cane died. That alone terrifies me. I don’t know what it means.”
I shake my head as I try to make sense of everything I’m saying. I am hoping Jordon understands what it is I’m trying to say. I just have so many words in my head that I’m trying to get out. If I don’t, I am afraid I never will.
“Brittan, I know you love Cane and always will. I don’t want to ever make you feel like that is a deal breaker for us. I’m okay with sharing, because like I told Roxie earlier, baby I’ll take you any way I can have you. If that means I only get a piece of your heart, then I’ll cherish that one piece as if it is the most priceless item on the god damn planet.”
I can’t believe this man. This man who looks like the rough bad boy on the outside, but beneath the tattoos, bad attitude, and rock star whoring ways is the man who’s awakening my heart. He’s asking me to give him a chance.
He wants me, even when I’m broken and damaged; he still fights to be with me.
Other men would rather toss me aside and find the next pretty shiny girl to have fun with. Even after he discovered the girl hiding behind the broken pieces, Jordon hasn’t stopped trying. He sees the real person I am beneath it all.
He sees the real me I didn’t even know existed anymore.
She’s been hiding away trying to mask the pain and sadness and afraid to let anyone inside, until Jordon came along ignoring my pleas to leave us at just friends. He broke down everything I’d built around myself, forcing me to step out into the sunlight and for once say it’s okay to feel alive.
It’s okay to feel life after loss.
Not wanting to speak anymore, I give in to the feelings consuming me and allow myself to let go of everything holding me back, and just live in the moment.
I reach out and hold Jordon’s face between my hands pulling him to me. The instant our lips touch, I feel that tiny flutter in my chest shatter the ice that had coated my heart for all these years. For the first time since Cane was alive my heart beats forcefully against my chest.
As I deepen our kiss, Jordon grips the back of my neck pinning my mouth to his. I feel like he’s holding me there, fearful that if he lets go I’ll vanish, making none of this real.
Frantically, I grab Jordon’s free hand and press it against my chest, letting him feel the rhythmic beat of my heart against his hand. I’m letting him feel what I’m feeling: his kiss awakening every part of me.