The temptation before me is at the worst fucking time. I have so much pain and confusion buzzing around inside of me right now. The thought of numbing myself with coke is almost too hard to resist.
Memories of myself in that exact spot flicker before my eyes. I’ve lost count of how many nights I spent in this house getting higher than a fucking kite, before I landed my ass in rehab. This house is like a tomb full of my dead skeletons just lying around every corner taunting me.
I feel like every step forward I take with recovery I end up taking five steps back.
I lick my lips and rub at my nose as the urge to fall to my knees and snort every last drop consumes me.
Squeezing my eyes shut, I try to think about all the reasons why I can’t get high. The first thing that comes to mind is Jordon.
I promised him I’d stay clean after he promised to not let anyone throw my ass back in rehab.
Then Cane.
I promised to be the woman he loved and not the shell of one I’ve become over the last eight years.
It’s really hard not to give in to my cravings when they’re bringing chicks back to my house that are carrying the shit around with them. Then they decide to get high in my fucking living room.
Taking a deep breath, I blow it out slowly as I storm into my kitchen and grab another beer. I run back past them and out onto the deck as if my house is on fire. I need to get away from this house, the memories, the drugs and the temptation taunting me at this very moment.
If I don’t get away from it, I’m going to turn back around and walk into that room and get high.
Running down the stairs as fast as I can, I sprint towards the water and don’t stop until I feel the waves washing up onto my bare feet.
I plop my ass in the sand and leave my feet just far enough out so the warm salty water hits my toes. With each wave that rolls in and then washes out, my toes are buried deeper in the sand.
Moonlight is the only light shining down on the beach and illuminating across the water. Almost the entire beach is pitched black giving me the privacy I need.
No one can see me here so I can be alone with my thoughts. I’m trying to get a grip on this panic attack that is consuming me at the moment, before I have a total freak out.
Lost in thought, I’m startled when the sound of someone walking up behind me causes me to jump. Spinning around, I spot Jordon walking towards me with his hands stuffed in his jeans pockets.
He has a somber look on his face that makes my stomach jump into my throat.
I won’t be surprised if he sits down beside me and says he’s done with whatever it is we are doing and moving back onto his bandmates tour bus.
I’ve been a bitch, using him for sex without caring about his feelings at all. I’m being greedy by wanting to have that physical connection with Jordon; all the while refusing to allow myself to connect with him on an emotional level.
“You scared me.” I finally say just above a whisper. I gaze up at his tall towering 6’1” figure and get lost for a moment in his eyes. Those blue eyes that are glowing in the moonlight shining over his face, “I didn’t think anyone knew I was down here.” I confess before dropping my gaze back to my lap.
I nervously peel at my beer label as Jordon sits down beside me in the sand without saying a word.
After what feels like an eternity of awkward silence, Jordon finally speaks. He has his hands resting behind him propping his body up mimicking the way I’m sitting.
He never looks at me, just keeps his eyes focused ahead which drives me insane because I love staring into his eyes as he talks to me. I love to feel his words in my soul rather than to just hear them, to allow our bodies to connect through our eyes locking onto one another.
“I saw you run out of the house like the fucking place was on fire or some shit and book it down to the beach. Curiosity got the better of me, and I wondered inside to find the two chicks Nash and Kingston brought back from the concert. I saw them doing blow in your living room and put two and two together. I called them cabs to take their asses anywhere but here. Then I stood up on your deck watching you down here trying to get the courage to walk down and tell you everything I’ve wanted to since that first night together in Miami.”
As Jordon’s words sink in I feel my heart flutter as it fights to come back to life. It’s been fighting to awaken since the night we met and no matter how hard I am fighting it, my heart is defeating me and starting to fall for Jordon.
Knowing he sent those girls away to help me fight the urge to get high makes me crumble. No matter what I do or say he never gives up on me. It’s confusing the hell out of me, and I don’t know what to do.
Staring out at the waves as they roll in, I drink half of my beer before holding it out to Jordon, silently asking if he wants some. With how I am feeling I know I need a good buzz to deal with the shit in my head. I imagine he feels the same.