“Fuck, Brittan. You fit perfectly around me.” Jordon murmurs against my skin. I feel his dick pulsating inside me as his body crashes on top of mine.
“I know. That was…I can’t even put into words what that was.” I whisper so low its barely audible.
The feeling of pure unimaginable peace that’s settling over my body is overwhelming.
I can’t begin to process what the hell is going on in my head right now. Images of Cane and I together flash in my mind, as I try to make sense of the feelings mounting inside of me for Jordon.
Squeezing my eyes shut, I try to control my breathing and will the panic attack away. I don’t want to ruin this moment. For the first time, I feel like I am slowly healing and I keep reminding myself that Cane wants me to be happy.
“Brittan, open your eyes.” Jordon says, gently sliding his fingers along the side of my face.
Opening them, I peer up into his and allow myself to get lost momentarily in his deep blue irises. They send a wave crashing over me washing my fears away, and allowing a calm to settle inside my heart that was only a moment ago beating frantically against my chest.
“You okay?” His words are filled with fear, and I don’t want him to be afraid to touch me. Or for him to worry that one wrong move will shatter me, sending me back into the addiction that has crippled my life for too many years.
Nodding, I give him a weak smile, “I’m okay. Just a little overwhelmed. For the first time in eight years, I don’t feel guilty.” I answer honestly with my voice cracking.
I refuse to cry.
I have cried enough tears. It’s time to allow myself to feel happiness.
Jordon sucks in a sharp intake of air, as he processes what I’m saying.
Sliding out of me, he leans down and presses a short kiss to my lips. Pushing up he searches my face as he looks to be struggling with whatever thoughts are bouncing around in his head.
With each passing second of silence, my body tenses as fear seeps into my bones.
I am hard to handle on a good day, maybe Jordon is thinking he bit off more than he can chew.
Surprising me, Jordon grips the side of my face and crashes his mouth to mine for a soul shattering, heart stopping kiss. I sink into the couch beneath me as my body relaxes.
Stopping our kiss, Jordon rests his forehead against mine and lets out the sexiest chuckle, “What are you doing to me Brittan McKenna?”
I let out a nervous laugh, “I don’t know…but I’d like to ask you the same thing.”
Riding a New Kind of High
It feels like it was just yesterday we were loading our buses to kick off this tour, and now it’s the eleventh of February! I never imagined I would be enjoying my tour as much as I am right now, but I’m actually have the most fun touring that I’ve had in years.
It’s been almost three weeks and six shows since Jordon moved onto my bus. Things between us have been amazing.
Overwhelming.
But absolutely amazing.
I am trying to heal, and Jordon is helping me with that. For now, we’re just friends with benefits, but I haven’t seen him hooking up with anyone besides me. I’ve had more than enough chances to hook up with guys over the last few weeks after shows, but I’m trying to stop my destructive behavior and focus on my sobriety. I’m also slowly learning to accept that it’s okay to be happy.
I have my moments where I feel like my world is starting to spin out of control, but whenever I do Jordon has been right there to help me through it. Roxie is Jordon’s biggest fan, and she hasn’t even met him yet. She says she can already see a difference. So I imagine she’ll spend the entire time she’s here grilling me about Jordon.
I’ve loved chilling together with both bands. We all have made it a ritual to get together on my bandmate’s bus and have poker night or just hang out while all we all play Kinect. I haven’t had this much fun with my own bandmates in forever. I’ve been so lost over the last few years and we all slowly began to grow apart.
Having Jordon come into my life has been a blessing in disguise. He’s been the extra support I need to stay clean and has helped me learn how to live again.
We have a show tonight in L.A. and Roxie is flying in to watch and spend a few days with me here. Matt also has a game in Los Angeles, so they’re going to spend Valentine’s Day in Napa Valley. We have a few days of down time here before we hit the road again to travel through the Midwest, so we’re going to stay at my house in Malibu. I haven’t been there since just before I overdosed, so it’s going to be weird walking through those doors sober.
My life fell apart while living in California, away from all my family and friends. I’m ready to start fresh and make some happy memories there. It’s a good sized beach house, so I’m letting all of Tempting Tomorrow stay there with us. Nash, Holden, Casper and Levi all have houses between Malibu and Los Angeles, but said they’ll stay the first night so we can party together. I told them we’ll use this time to celebrate the first five weeks of our tour being a success!