Trying to fight back the tears, I answer him honestly, “Because I don’t have you. I can’t deal with life Cane; it’s just too hard. Getting high is my only escape.”
A tear falls from his eye and slowly zig-zags down his face.
It’s like a sucker punch to my gut.
I scurry up onto my knees and crawl to the end of the bed and cautiously reach out to touch the tear, and wipe it away.
“Don’t cry, please. I’ve cried enough tears to last us both five lifetimes.” My words are weak and defeated.
I don’t care if he is a figment of my imagination; I’m just happy to see him. I get high to try to block him out of my head. But every time I crash back down from that high, I’m hit with the cold hard reality that I’d take him any way I can have him.
“I love you so much, Cane. I am so confused. I don’t know what to do.”
Wrapping his arms around me, he pulls me in for a hug and presses kisses to the top of my head. “This about Jordon?” He asks, causing my heart to slam fiercely against my chest and my entire body to become rigid.
“Shhh. It’s okay, baby. It’s totally normal to be feeling this way about him.”
I cut him off as I speak through my tears, “It’s not okay. My heart only belongs to you, and I want to get Jordon out of my head. I don’t want anyone but you.”
Rubbing my back, Cane whispers into my hair, “Brittan, I love you…but it’s time to let me go. I’ll always wait for you no matter how long it takes, but I need you to be happy. Doing drugs, and having sex with complete strangers; that’s not the woman I fell in love with. You deserve to be happy.”
For the first time, I am not lying. I am honest with myself and Cane as I speak my deepest fear out loud, making it real, “I’m afraid that if I allow myself to love again, I’ll forget about you.”
Cane lets out the sweetest laugh as he holds me tighter, “Baby, you’ll never forget about me. Your heart is so big and so full of love. You have more than enough room in it to love me and someone else. You deserve to feel what it’s like to love again and to be loved.”
Looking up at Cane, I try to protest but as I do he begins to disappear. I hear someone yelling my name and look around, but see no one.
“Brittan, wake up!” I hear what sounds like Jordon.
I snap my eyes open and find that I’ve been asleep. I blink a few times and rub my eyes that are damp with tears, and look up to see Jordon sitting on my bed beside me. He looks worried.
Rolling to my side, I lick my lips, and swallow a few times because I suddenly have the worst cotton mouth of my life. I feel something hard under my side and realize I’m lying on my old cell phone.
I must have fallen asleep while it was playing. I was exhausted from the concert. Then of course, I burned all my energy off bouncing around my damn tour bus while floating on cloud nine.
Cane’s words from my dream keep echoing in my head as I stare up at Jordon…You deserve to feel what it’s like to love again and to be loved.
A look of relief settles over Jordon’s face and his eyes soften. He slides his hands over my cheek giving me a weak smile, “You were crying in your sleep.”
I close my eyes, wiping the tears from them before looking back up at Jordon, “I was dreaming about Cane.” My words come out hoarse as my voice cracks and tears threaten to come again.
It shocks me that I was honest with Jordon. Normally I’d brush it off as nothing.
Without saying another word, Jordon climbs onto my bed and lies beside me. I snuggle into his chest and listen to the sound of his heartbeat against my ear. I slowly inhale the scent of his cologne which surprisingly soothes me. For the first time in eight years, I lay in bed with a man and just sleep. It feels strange, but also right, all at the same time.
Here for You
Jordon
How can a person look like they have it all, but they have nothing more than you do. When you see the real person they hide from the outside world, you see underneath the expensive clothes, vacations, cars and pretty face; then you realize they are fighting the hardest battles.
When I first found out I was going on this tour I was excited because I’ve been a huge fan of Beyond Redemption for years.
I’ve always thought Brittan was gorgeous. I had heard rumors she was wild, and I’m a man, so yeah, I wanted to have a go with her.
She got out of rehab just before our tour started with them. I knew she struggled with some sort of inner demons that caused her addiction. From interviews she has done in the past, I am assuming they’re linked to the loss of her fiancé, who was a soldier in the U.S. Army. I’m more of a get drunk and have fun kinda guy, never was into the whole drugs part of the Sex, Drugs and Rock n’ Roll aspect of this business.