As soon as Jordon steps out of the bathroom my stomach aches, feeling like a swarm of bees are buzzing around inside of it.
The guilt I’m drowning in begins to consume me.
I should have never brought him back here. I knew the moment he kissed me on the dance floor I was playing a game of Russian Roulette. The excitement of what was going to happen overpowered my fears of what the consequences would be.
“You okay?” Jordon asks with concern laced in his words as he slips his briefs back on.
I plaster on my best fake smile and lie through my teeth; it’s become so easy to lie to everyone and myself; half the time I actually believe the shit I tell them.
“Yeah, I’m great. Just tired, today’s been a roller coaster of emotions that have left my mind and body exhausted.”
Crawling onto the bed beside me, Jordon props his body up on his left arm and searches my eyes for a moment. The sadness I see flashing over his face sends a pang of anguish into my heart.
Raising his hand up, he used the pad of his thumb and brushes a few strands of my hair off my face and tucks them behind my ear. Licking his lips, he smiles down at me causing one of his sexy dimples to appear in his cheek.
“You are a mysterious and captivating woman, Brittan McKenna. I am trying so hard to read you, but I officially think it’s impossible.”
Falling back on my pillow, I let out a low belly laugh. It feels strange to be laughing this hard. It’s causing my stomach to cramp and tears to form in my eyes. I can’t help but think that I must look like a fucking wack-job at the moment.
Jordon leans over me to press kisses from my jaw up to my lips, quieting my giggles. “Sorry…” I say between breaths, holding my hand over my abdomen. “I can’t even read myself half the time, so don’t feel bad. I don’t think anyone will ever understand me, and captivating is far from the word I’d use…more like complicated.”
Grabbing my chin, Jordon forces me to look at him. My eyes have been fixated on the chandelier above my bed trying to keep my emotions at bay.
“To me, Brittan, you are the most captivating woman I’ve ever met. The second I saw you dancing tonight; I couldn’t take my eyes off you, no matter how hard I tried. You don’t see it, but you are beautiful and worth someone taking the time to see the real you. Not the facade you put on for the outside world.”
I look like a guppy as my mouth opens and closes, but nothing comes out. Jordon is like a sledge hammer trying to smash down the walls I’ve built around my heart, but what he doesn’t know is they’re built of steel not brick…they’re indestructible.
Reaching up, I slide my fingers through Jordon’s hair, that’s now damp with sweat, and pull him down to me for one last kiss before we part ways for good.
As our lips separate I whisper, “Good night, Jordon.”
Without saying another word, he climbs off my bed and out the door to retrieve his clothing that’s been dispersed throughout my house. A few minutes later I hear the front door open and close. I run down the stairs quickly to make sure everything is locked and secure before I allow myself to break down.
Grabbing my iPhone, I snap it into the port and hit play, letting Gavin Rossdale’s voice fill my bathroom as he sings Glycerine. I can’t hear this song without thinking of Cane.
Tears fill my eyes as I get lost in the music.
Stripping out of Cane’s t-shirt, I open the shower doors turning on the water as hot as I can handle and letting the room fill up with steam. Stepping into the shower, I stand under the rain style shower head relishing the soothing feeling of the water as it cascades over my body.
With the body wash, I scrub my skin until its bright red, trying and remove every ounce of Jordon from my skin.
The images of Jordon and I together flash through my mind, making my head spin. The way his hands felt on my body. How much I enjoyed his lips on mine. Thinking of how it felt as he fucked me. My twists tighter and tighter, the more I think about him.
The only man I ever want to make me feel this way is Cane. He was the love of my life. It isn’t right for me to have these thoughts about Jordon, when I don’t have a heart to give to him. Cane took my heart when he died, leaving a hollow space in my chest where it used to be.
Staind’s, It’s Been a While comes on just as I’m stepping out of the shower. Wrapping a towel around myself I pad across the cool stone tiled floor to the sink and grab my toothbrush. Piling the toothpaste on I begin frantically scrubbing my teeth and tongue as I try to remove the taste of Jordon from my mouth.
My head begins to spin as images flood my mind, blending images of Cane and I together followed by Jordon and I. Fisting my hair between my fingers, I stare at the fucked up image of myself in the mirror and scream, letting out all of my frustrations.