Tempt My Heart(26)

The grass is still damp from the morning dew, and it’s tickling my toes as I walk towards Cane’s grave in my flip flops. I hug the bouquet against my chest and stop when I’m finally standing in front of the stone that reads:

Cane Mathew Allen

Son, Beloved Fiancée and Hero.

Falling onto my knees, I set the flowers against his headstone and get to work pulling the weeds out that have grown around it. His parents must not have come by yet because normally they add a wreath with a flag by his stone every year. The little flag we put by his stone eight years ago is still here, but it’s faded and beginning to fray.

Sliding my fingers over the cold stone, I trace his name with my index finger, “God, I miss you…” I whisper, trying to keep myself together. I don’t want to cry today. I want to stay strong.

“I can’t believe it’s been eight years, it just doesn’t seem possible. The other day one of your buddies you were in Iraq with messaged me on Facebook. He and his wife are having a baby boy. He wanted to let me know that they are using your name for his son as a way to keep your memory alive. You never told me you saved his life over there…I can only imagine you didn’t want to share all the anguish and horrific things you had to witness while there. It feels amazing hearing people call you a hero and to have them tell me stories about you that I never knew.”

Reaching in my purse, I take out a can of Grizzly and set it on his stone. “I don’t know if God is keeping you fully stocked with your dip, so I brought you a can. Don’t want you bored while you’re up there waiting for me.” I say with a small smile on my lips as I gaze up at the bright blue sky.

“I hope you’re proud of the woman I’m becoming. It’s not easy, but every day I feel like I’m getting a little stronger. I don’t miss you any less than I did yesterday, but I’m learning to at least love myself for you. I have been talking with my manager about setting up a fallen hero foundation to support widows and widowers in the military. I hope focusing my attention on positive things will help me with my sobriety.”

I hear the sound of footsteps coming up behind me, and turn to see Dalton walking towards me. Standing, I brush the few blades of grass that stuck to my knees away and nervously tuck my hair behind my ear.

“Hey, Britt.” He says as he sets down a bouquet of flowers beside mine. Standing, he folds his arms across his chest and speaks to me while his eyes stay focused on Cane’s stone. “Can’t believe it’s been eight years…it still feels like yesterday.”

I glance towards where Roxie is parked, and spot Cane’s Silverado parked beside her car. I can’t believe he still has the truck. It makes my stomach flutter as I picture Cane, and I cruising around Miami with the music blasting as we both sing along to the radio.

“Yeah, it doesn’t seem possible. The last eight years have flown right by it seems.”

Reaching in his pocket, he pulls out a can of Grizzly, “I see we had the same idea. Man he couldn’t go a few hours without having a chew.” Dalton jokes, as he sets down a can of Grizzly next to mine. Spinning around, Dalton slides his eyes over my body and searches my face for a moment before he continues speaking, “How are you doing? You look great; I’m glad to see you finally put some meat on your bones. I thought for a while there you were going to get so skinny that you’d disappear.”

Dropping my eyes to the ground, I stare at my toes for a few seconds. It’s one thing to have strangers knowing you hit rock bottom, but it’s worse having a close friend know it.

I feel like everyone is wondering the same thing: is she really sober? Or just saying she is?

I sit back down on the grass. Dalton eyes me for a moment before sitting down beside me, sprawling his legs out and leaning back onto the palm of his hands. He still looks as handsome as he did when I attended his wedding four years ago. I’ve been so busy and so absorbed in my world of self-pity; I lost contact with all my friends here besides Roxie. That’s only because she made it a point of not allowing me to push her away.

“I’m taking life day by day, but I just celebrated eight months sober, which is a big milestone for me.” I say matter-of-factly as I gaze up into Dalton’s big brown eyes.

They soften as he listens to me speak, “I’m glad we ran into each other Brittan. I worry about you; ya know?” He pauses, and tips his head back to peer up at the sky before continuing, “I feel like Cane would be kicking my ass right now for not trying harder to keep in contact with you. I feel like if we all would’ve tried a little harder, maybe you wouldn’t have gone through all the shit you have over the last couple of years.”