I gave Dalton, Cane’s Silverado truck, his old pickup truck has been on its last leg for the past couple of years. I know Cane would want him to have it.
Roxie cried for a different reason when I broke the news to her. We’ve never been apart more than a few weeks, only when our families traveled for vacations. I told her we’ll talk and video chat every day, and once we get to L.A., she, Matt and Dalton will have to come see us perform.
It’s going to be a long journey, but I think, right now it’s exactly what I need. With Cane gone, there is no reason for me to stick around Miami and finish my degree. He was my biggest fan, and if this is what he wants me to do, then I’ll take the leap and go for it.
I hope focusing on this adventure will help distract me from the sadness that is consuming every second of my life.
Since we buried him, I’ve spent every night lost in my thoughts, scribbling down lyrics to songs I’m writing for him or about him and me. They’re all still works in progress. I’ve found it’s extremely therapeutic to put all of the thoughts that are screaming to get out of my head down on paper.
I don’t know if I’ll ever share them with the guys, right now they’re just for me. It’s the only way for me to grasp onto the last bit of sanity I have left.
Crawling into bed after getting home from the bar, I feel a small weight has been lifted off me. I was so stressed about returning to school because my heart wasn’t in it.
It’s time to start the next chapter in my life…
January 11th 2014
Present Day
“Are you ready for tonight?” Roxie asks as we make our way through the city towards the cemetery.
Propping my arm up on the door of Roxie’s BMW M4, I give her a big fake ass smile and lie through my teeth, “Yup, I can’t wait to kick off this tour.”
Roxie gives me a sideways glance before refocusing on the road. I can’t tell if she’s buying my bullshit or not. She is so damn hard to read sometimes.
Slamming her breaks, she shouts out the window, “A blinker would be nice, you asshole!”
A small chuckle escapes me. No one has more road rage than Roxie St. Claire.
Snapping her head at me, she huffs out, “What!? He cut me off! If he makes me wreck my new car, I’ll ram my stiletto right up his fucking ass.”
Roxie’s new candy red M4 is her newest gift from Matt. He bought it for her for their seventh wedding anniversary. He now plays professional basketball for the New Orleans Pelican’s. He was with Miami Heat for years, but he decided when he became a free agent and go to New Orleans, due to paycheck with a few more zeros on it. She hates his being away all of the time traveling for games, but she’s just as busy with her ‘Wake up with Roxie’ morning television show she has here in Miami; which, by the way, is #1 for the third year in a row.
I am so proud of my best friend, and only hope getting my life together will make it so she can be proud of me again. It’s hard, I’m not going to sugarcoat it, but I want to be the Brittan that Cane loved.
I still can’t believe Roxie and Matt stayed together all this time, and they’re still madly in love with each other. I often daydream what it would have been like if Cane was never killed. The four of us going out on double dates, and becoming the God parents to each other’s kids. Eight years later the pain still feels as fresh as it did the day I got the news that he was dead.
I’ve been back in Miami since November third. Leaving rehab and entering the regular world again is overwhelming. My cravings are almost completely gone, and I have my sponsor on speed-dial. I can’t help but be afraid that I’ll be tempted to fall off the wagon once we kick off the new tour.
I’ve kept myself busy and distracted by focusing on writing and recording, to try and fight the cravings when they do hit me. My record label is sending us on our new tour next week. Tonight we’re having a huge party at Club Vertigo in South Beach with the band that’ll be touring with us, Tempting Tomorrow. They’re really talented, and I think our fans are going to love us touring together. So far, our tour is sold out at every venue we’ll be performing across the United States. Once we finish our US tour, we’re off to Europe.
I just hope I can withstand the temptations I know will be presented to me at every concert. You’ll see someone doing a line backstage and people view it as normal, like it’s no different from seeing someone sucking on a god damn lollipop.
I don’t even know how I allowed myself to get sucked into the world of drugs. I guess I took the term, Sex, Drugs and Rock & Roll to the max. I was running on almost no sleep and barely had the energy to perform each night as we traveled across the southern states working our way towards L.A. One night, a roadie that was helping us, pulled me aside and told me he had some coke on him. He said I could do a line if I was interested; that it’d give me the boost I needed to get through my performance.