I’m grateful the bar is filled with people, and the jukebox is blasting music because it helps drown out our conversation, making it seem a little more private in this public setting.
Roxie rests her hand over mine giving it a gentle squeeze, “I’m glad you decided to read it.” She says just loud enough for me to hear.
Dalton and Matt both look as shitty as I look and feel. Cane was their best friend, and I know they’re missing him as much as I am. Dalton leans forward on his elbows, finally asking what everyone is thinking, “How are you? We’ve all been worried about you, Brittan. We’ve given you space because we don’t know what else to do, but it isn’t easy staying away. More than a few times, I found myself driving to your condo…just to end up turning around and going somewhere else.”
Matt lets out a deep cough as he rakes his fingers nervously through his hair; I can tell he’s fighting to keep it together as much as I am right now.
Closing my eyes for a second, I take a moment to collect myself. Being around everyone is making me emotional. I feel bad for Casper, Holden, Nash, and Levi because they definitely didn’t sign up for any of this when they asked me to be in their band.
I take a sip of my beer before answering, “Honestly…I’m heartbroken, lonely, and angry. I have so many emotions bundled up into one big knot inside of me. I’m struggling with trying to figure out how to deal with all of the emotions I’m going through right now. I didn’t think it was possible, but I miss Cane more every day. Everyone keeps saying it’ll get better in time…to me, each day that passes feels as if the sorrow only gets worse.
“Well, we’re all here for you. We didn’t know Cane well but whenever he was bartending, he was always fun to chat with. He was a huge fan of the band and was always talking about you, Brittan. We know one thing for sure…that man loved you.” Holden says giving me a sympathetic smile.
I can’t help but smile a little as I think about Cane working behind the bar here. What I wouldn’t give to jump up on a barstool and see his gorgeous smile smiling back at me as he poured my customers drinks and took a free moment to tell me how beautiful I looked.
Glancing over my shoulder, I stare at the bar and for a moment I swear I see him standing there with his hands fisted as he’s leaning on the bar smiling across the room at me. But as soon as I see him, I blink, and he’s gone.
I don’t know what’s happening to me.
I hope diving into work will help distract my mind that seems to be working on overload right now. I’m not only seeing him in my dreams, but now when I’m awake too.
I’m one hallucination away from a padded room.
Blinking a few times, I turn back to everyone as I grip my glass of beer and chug it down. Slamming the glass onto the table, I let out a long sigh and decide to just say it and see what everyone thinks.
“Only Roxie knows this, but I’m now confiding in all of you. Cane left half of his life insurance policy to me, and its way more than I could have ever imagined. I was shocked when I learned he put his parents and me down as his beneficiaries.” Pausing I take a deep breath before continuing, “In his letter, he told me he wants me to use the money to follow my dreams.”
I’m trying so hard to keep it together, but it’s a fight I’m now losing. My eyes begin to tear up, and I try to hold my eyes open wide and blink away the forming tears but I’m defeated and they escape, dripping onto the table.
Frustrated with myself, I let out an aggravated sigh and swiped away other tears with the back of my hand. “Sorry…” I whisper as I try to get my emotions together.
Casper, who’s sitting next to me at the end of the table, grips my shoulder gently and gives it a small squeeze, “You have nothing to be sorry about. We all understand Brittan. You don’t need to try and put up a front for us. We know you’re hurting, and we just want to help you any way we can.”
Wiping away another tear, I smile at him and let out a nervous laugh, “Thanks, you guys have all been so good to me. My news has to do with all of you…not just me and my dreams.” I say sliding my eyes across all the bandmates.
This immediately increases their curiosity.
“Well don’t keep torturing us, what’s your big news?” Levi asks as he playfully throws a balled up napkin at me.
I love how even when I am feeling like total shit this small group of close friends can find a way to put a smile on my face.
We spend the next hour talking about my plans. I announce I’m dropping out of college and using some of the money from Cane’s insurance policy to pay for Beyond Redemption to travel from Florida to California. My plan is to play in any bar or club we can get into. Hopefully, we can build enough buzz with YouTube and social media outlets, that while, in L.A., we can get some recording time in the studio to cut a demo.