Cane died a hero and doing what he loved…defending our country. But it doesn’t make my loss any easier to understand.
The soldiers begin firing off the riffles for the salute to Cane. Each time the bullets leave the gun barrels, the blasts cause me to jump and low sobs to escape me.
As soon as the bugler begins playing Taps, I lose what little strength I have left, let myself go and allow the dam to break. I drop my head into my hands and begin sobbing uncontrollably.
I can hear the faint sound of Janice crying a few seats down from me. I can barely look at her or Terry. It’s so hard because when I see their faces they reflect back to me what I’m feeling.
Roxie wraps her arm around me while my mother gently runs her fingers through my hair, “I’m so sorry, honey.” My mother murmurs against my shoulder as she tries to comfort me.
My parents feel helpless. They loved Cane as if he were their own son. When I told them he had passed away my mother broke down, and my father needed his space to grieve. He locked himself in his office for the remainder of the evening.
Spinning my engagement ring, I watch as the Casket-team begins folding up the flag before handing it off to the Chaplain. I watch with blurry eyes as he makes his way over to present the flag to me. I was shocked when I learned that Cane put me down as his next of kin instead of his parents.
Hugging the flag against my chest, I drop my gaze back down to the ground. The wind is picking up, causing a chill to settle over my body and goose bumps to cover every inch of me.
One by one, we each step out from under the tent and approach Cane’s casket taking turns to lay a single red rose on top of it. Each step feels like an eternity as I make my way over to him. I’m squeezing the stem so hard I’m surprised that it hasn’t snapped in half.
Stopping beside his casket, I rest my palm against the cool polished dark wood, and lean down to rest my forehead against it where Cane lies inside. I press my lips to the cold hard wood, “I love you, always. I refuse to say goodbye…..” A sob tears through me, causing my entire body to shake and my lungs to burn as they scream for me to fill them with air. I let out a slow, shaky breath and whisper, “So I’ll just say I’ll see you soon…”
Standing up, I set the rose onto the center of his casket just as the skies open up, and fresh cool rain falls on me.
Lifting my head, I close my eyes and welcome the rain drops as they fall on my face, mixing with my tears. The feeling of strong arms wrapping around me sends a wave of comfort through me. When I open my eyes, I see my father embracing me with his own tears in his eyes.
The rain is falling down hard, causing water droplets to drip off of his hair; he’s getting soaked to the bone standing here beside me, but he doesn’t seem to care. He’s my rock right now, and if there were ever a moment in my life where I needed my daddy, now would be it.
He doesn’t say a word; his eyes speak for him. I hold my arms against my chest as shivers from the cold rain overtake me. Holding me tightly against his body, trying to shield me from the cold, my father helps walk me back to the car that Matt drove us all in.
I’m glad I was the last one to place my rose on the casket, allowing me to have my last moment with Cane in private. Everyone else left after saying their goodbyes and headed to Cane’s parents’ house for the wake.
My legs threaten to give out with each step I take.
My body is weak and defeated.
“When that rain started falling, I swear, Brittan, that was Cane crying right there alongside you.” Roxie whispers in my ear as she takes my hand into hers. I can hear her choking on her words as she tries to fight back the tears.
We’ve all cried too much.
I don’t understand. Why Cane? Why now? We had a beautiful future ahead of us, and God took him away from me before our happily ever after could even begin.
It’s not fair. God can be merciless. We pray when we need to feel love, wisdom and hope, but then God can also rip your world out from under you when you least expect it. Leaving you feeling lost, defeated and unloved.
My mother keeps telling me we all have a time to go. We may not understand it, but God always has a plan. We just need to wait, and the reasons why will come to us at some point. We just need to be patient.
I don’t want to hear that.
I want to be angry. Past fucking angry…Livid! I don’t want to hear about bigger plans, and when it’s your time, it’s your time.
Fuck God’s bigger plan.
What about my plans.
My future.
My happiness.
Without Cane, I have none of those things.
January 22nd 2006
Walking through the door to my condo with Cane’s belongings in my hand, I head straight to the couch and plop down onto it. I just came from his parents’ house where we had the reading of his will.