My head is haunted by these words that I’ve wished for so long to come true…and now will never happen.
January 20th 2006
Lying in my bed feels emptier than it ever has. I have barely slept more than two hours a night since I got the news that Cane was dead. I am constantly tormented with nightmares, some of Cane dying and I’m trying so badly to get to him and save him. They always end with me waking up screaming out for him.
Some nights I have good dreams, the kind you never want to wake up from. On those nights, I dream about him so vividly that they feel real, causing me to wake in a daze frantically searching for him. After searching every inch of my house in the dark and yelling out to him, reality hits me like a semi-truck reminding me that he isn’t here and never will be again.
Those are the nights I wish I could stay asleep forever just so I can be with him.
Rolling onto my side, I curl up into a ball, grip my comforter and pull it up over my head as I try to drown out the voices in my head.
Since the day Cane died, I’ve been haunted with the voices of our past conversations. It doesn’t help that I’ve been lying in bed for days, just listening to his voice mails on my phone over and over, and watching videos we recorded on my cell of us on the beach, or out on the boat.
Closing my eyes, I beg for the pain to go away. I just want to wake up and find Cane lounging in my living room, drinking a beer and watching basketball.
The sadness is unbearable….all consuming.
Grabbing my iPod, I crank the volume up as loud as it can go and get lost in the sound of Breaking Benjamin singing, Breath as I try to block out the world and quiet the words I can’t get out of my head… “I can’t wait to make you my wife.”
I broke down a few days ago when Roxie called my wedding planner to inform her that the wedding was canceled, and we no longer needed everything we’d reserved. Informing everyone that the wedding was not taking place only finalized Cane’s death, and I would never be married.
Cane is really gone forever.
His funeral is today, and I just can’t find the strength to get out of bed and get dressed. I feel that once I bury the love of my life, the last bit of strength I have left will die at the grave-site and be buried alongside Cane forever.
Someone rips my blanket off of my head scaring the shit out of me. I snap my eyes open to find Roxie standing beside my bed with a paper bag from my favorite bakery and two coffees.
Plucking my earbuds out, I sit up against my headboard, “God, Roxie, thanks for giving me a fucking heart attack!”
Rolling her eyes, she plops down on the bed beside me, shoving a coffee in my hand. “I kicked on the damn door so hard I thought I was going to bust it in, and your ass wouldn’t get out of bed to open the damn thing for me!” Pausing she takes a sip of her coffee and watches me like a hawk as I nibble on my sugary pastry before continuing, “So, you deserve the heart attack I just gave you. Now drink your coffee and eat this apple turnover I got you, because you need your strength today.”
I rest my head on her shoulder and in between bites mumble, “Thank you.” Two words that speak a thousand unspoken words to my best friend. As I chew my turnover and sip my coffee, I silently sob while we sit on my bed in complete silence.
Today is going to be the hardest day of my life, and there is no one I’d rather have by my side to help me get through it.
The air is cool and damp; it’s rained off and on all morning making the cemetery smell like wet, cut grass and fresh crisp air. I have Roxie, Matt and Dalton on one side of me, my parents on the other side and Cane’s mom and dad are seated beside Dalton. We’re all sitting in the first row of chairs in front of Cane under a big white tent.
The cemetery is packed with friends, family, school mates, military friends, even teachers and coaches. Cane touched so many lives in the short time he was on this earth.
The second my eyes landed on Cane’s casket with the American flag draped over it; my knees gave out, and Matt and Dalton had to practically carry me to my seat.
I’m trying so hard to keep it together, but I don’t think I can hold it in much longer. Last night was Cane’s wake, his mother and father as well as a few friends, and I said a few words to everyone who attended. I only made it halfway through my speech before breaking down and needing Roxie to join me on the podium to continue it for me.
My eyes ache, and my face is blotchy from all the broken blood vessels. I’ve never cried for so long and so hard in my entire life. I feel as if I shouldn’t have any more tears left to cry, but they continue to fall as if they’ll never stop.
I hear the Chaplain speaking, but the words sound hollow as if they’re off into the distance. All I can focus on is the casket before me, where the love of my life is.