Tempt My Heart

May 18th 2013


As I sit on the patio overlooking the shoreline of Malibu below, I try to take my therapist’s advice and reflect back on the times in my life when I was happy…truly happy. Closing my eyes, I inhale and exhale the salt air, trying to find my happy place. As soon as I close them and let my body relax, I’m immediately greeted by the dark, enchanting blue eyes of the most gorgeous man ever.

I’m overwhelmed by the emotions coursing through my body as I take in his dimpled smile and try to remember the sound of his voice. Sadness slowly seeps into my bones as I struggle to remember the deep timbre of his laughter and the sound of his voice when he would whisper I love you into my ear as I would drift off to sleep in his arms.

Cane is…correction was the love of my life. After all this time, I still struggle with acceptance. How does one accept the fact that she has to live the rest of her life without her soulmate? I fear that once I finally accept he’s truly gone; I’ll sink deeper into the sea of sorrow I’ve been trying so desperately not to drown in.

The day he died, I wanted to be dead too. A life without Cane is something I never wanted to experience. Now that I’ve hit rock bottom, I’m stuck here at this God forsaken Rehab Center in Malibu, where other rich and famous people, like me, come to try to heal and overcome addiction. If it were up to me, I wouldn’t even be here right now. But my record label has insisted I get clean, or they’ll cancel my U.S. tour. I’d much rather do a few lines of coke to numb my mind and dive into my music. It’s the only way I’ve gotten through these last few years. They don’t get it; no one does. I struggle on a daily basis just trying to get through the day without the man I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with.

So here I sit, lying on the patio lounge, taking in the warm California sun, and playing a game of ‘Remember When’ with myself. My therapist says I need to learn to reflect on the life I had with Cane. The good and the bad and find a way to heal and move on. It’s easier said than done. It’s been almost eight fucking years, and the pain is still as piercing as it was the day I buried him. Right now the desire to get high or fuck the first person who walks by me is almost overwhelming.

Squeezing my eyes tightly shut, I slowly count back from one hundred, trying try to push back the voices in my head that are screaming at me to walk my ass out of here, go back to Miami and tell everyone to fuck off. I need to do this. My dream was to travel the world performing and seeing my name topping the charts. I promised Cane I’d never give up that dream; I’d fight until I achieved it for the both of us. He loved me so deeply that my dreams were his dreams too. He wanted to see me achieve them as much, if not more, than I did.

So here I sit, in fucking rehab, willing myself to get clean and give my fans and my label what they want and deserve: a drug free Brittan, who is committed to this new tour and new album.

Focusing on the sounds of the seagulls flying above me, and the roar of the Pacific Ocean as it crashes fiercely against the shore below, I begin my journey back into my past. My eyes start to well up with tears and a ghost of a smile dances across my lips. I slowly let my mind begin to replay the most memorable moments I had with Cane and the moments that changed the course of our lives forever…





July 4th 2000


The beaches of Miami are jam packed with people. Everyone’s coming with their lawn chairs, trying to find the perfect spot to watch the fireworks show. With my best friend, Roxie by my side, we trudge through the cool sand; lawn chairs in one hand, and our rocket popsicles in the other. We find the perfect spot by the shore. A place where we can dip our feet in the warm Atlantic water and watch the show without a million heads bobbing in front of us.

The first set of fireworks explodes; illuminating the sky in bright colors of blues, silvers, and reds. It’s breathtaking…my favorite thing about 4th of July has to be the fireworks. Different patterns and color combinations light up the sky for over an hour; providing a magnificent show that I never want to end. The grand finale begins with hundreds of fireworks bursting into the sky at once, leaving me in a state of amazement. I glance towards my right, noticing the hottest guy walking towards me.

He smiles down at me, and I instantly melt. “Crap, looks like I missed them? At least I made it in time for the finale.” He says to the two guys standing next to him. They all plop down in the sand beside my chair. In all of my fifteen years, I’ve never felt butterflies like I’m feeling right now.

Elbowing Roxie, I signal my eyes towards the group of boys that just sat beside us. At first she’s annoyed because I’m bugging her while she’s trying to watch the finale. Once she gazes in my direction and follows my line of sight to the hotties sitting on the sand beside me, her mood quickly changes.