Tell Me You're Mine(26)

“Your very own garage.” I gesture to the sign. “You did it in the end.”

He looks up at it. “It feels good,” he says, turning his eyes to me. “And you? Still a shrink?”

I go over to the car he’s working on.

“What a beauty,” I say, running my hand along the side.

“Yep, isn’t she nice?”

Daniel walks behind me and happens to graze my ass. He stands beside me. Close. He smells like engine oil and aftershave. I hear him breathing.

“I remember that red, shiny thing you drove us around in,” I say, looking up at him.

“Shiny thing?” He pretends to be disappointed. “That was a 1974 Chevy Impala.”

“I have some very good memories from that car.”

Daniel smiles. He remembers, too. And he doesn’t mind thinking about what we did in that backseat. I can see it on him. I feel it in the pit of my stomach. He walks farther into the garage. “You want a beer or something?” he calls over his shoulder.

“Some mineral water if you have any.”

“Still haven’t learned how to drink beer?” He returns and throws a seltzer to me. I catch it and laugh.

“No, I’m a hopeless case.”

He asks about Gudrun, my mother. He heard Henrik and I bought an apartment for her a few years ago. He tells me he misses her meatballs, I have to tell her hello from him. I ask about his mother, Maud. She retired at the beginning of the summer, now she spends her days smoking cigarettes under the kitchen fan.

None of what we say matters. It’s just small talk. What I feel in every part of me right now. I can see it in Daniel’s gaze, how it glides over my body, he feels the same. And it’s ridiculously flattering to know he still desires me.

“What a man cave you have here,” I say, looking around. “Fridge with beer, jukebox. The whole package.”

“Pretty sweet, right?” he replies.

I sit down on the sofa next to the fridge.

“I can’t guarantee your fancy clothes will leave here in the same condition if you sit down there.” He points at the couch with his beer.

“Come sit here,” I say, patting the cushion next to me invitingly. He comes over and sits down. He puts an arm behind me and I scoot closer. I can’t help but wonder what our life would have been like if we’d never left each other. Would we have lived this far out of town? Would we have had more children?

I’m devastated by everything that’s happened to us. Everything we lost. I miss him. I miss the warmth we had between us. Miss the heat. And I want to experience it again.

“Isn’t it tragic when a person who meant everything to you, who was a huge part of your life, is no longer in it?” I say. “Don’t you think?”

Daniel squeezes my shoulder. “You always spent more time pondering that sort of thing than me.” He’s quiet for a while. “Do you still keep a diary?” he says.

“Not anymore.”

“Are you happy?” Daniel looks into my eyes.

I look away. “We have a good life,” I say, signaling that I’d rather not talk about it.

“Henrik’s a construction engineer, or something like that?”

“Something like that.”

“You’ve done well for yourself,” he says. “Drive an Audi. Expensive and classy. Where’s that girl who was too scared to learn to drive?”

“Same girl.” I didn’t come here to talk about my life these days. I don’t want to hear any more about it. I just want to be in the here and now with Daniel.

“He seems good for you,” he says. “You and I were too hotheaded.”

“Maybe.”

“And your son, Milo? He must be getting big now.”

“Thirteen.”

“Time flies.” Daniel takes a gulp of his beer.

“Alice would have been twenty-two,” I say.

Daniel looks at me. He takes away his arm and straightens up. He considers what to say for a long time. I’d forgotten how he used to do that. His tactics for avoiding talking used to drive me mad. They still annoy me.

“Do you think about her, too?” I ask.

Daniel twists the can in his hands. “Sometimes,” he answers after a while. “Now and then. On her birthday. Life goes on.” He falls silent again.

“I’ve been thinking a lot about her. About us.” I put my hand on his thigh. “We had it good, Daniel.”

“I remember the fights,” he says. “How we got on each other’s nerves in that tiny apartment in Jordbro. It wasn’t always so romantic.” He takes the elastic band off and pushes his fingers through his hair. I take my hand off his thigh.

“If Alice hadn’t disappeared . . .”

“Then we would have lived happily ever after?” He shakes his head slowly and looks at me. “Do you believe that? We were so young, Stella. And you got knocked up so quick. I think you remember it differently than I do.”

He dismisses our life together. So easily. Throws it all away as if it isn’t worth anything. I get up and go to the door of the garage. Look out onto the street. Maybe it was a mistake to come here. I turn around and look at him.

“So what, my memories are just fantasies?”

“You wear rose-colored glasses, you always have.” Daniel leaves the couch, walks over to the car, and bends over it again. He picks up a wrench and continues working. I recognize this behavior as well. He’s uncertain, confused. Am I having an effect him? Is he afraid of what might happen? Yes, he is. Terrified. I awaken something in him. It’s as strong now as it was then. And it terrifies him.

“I remember that you loved us,” I say. “You were happy with Alice, overjoyed. Is my memory wrong? Were we just a hindrance to you? To all those plans you had? Say it, I can take it.” I go over to him. I feel like an emotionally unstable character in a soap opera.

He turns around and grabs my arms. Bends over and studies me closely. “Why are you thinking about this right now? Why did you come here? It’s not to talk about old memories, that much I know.”

I look down at the floor before daring to meet his gaze. Then I tell him I found Alice. Or Alice found me, but she doesn’t know that yet. I tell him everything. I hear myself rambling, wish I was more calm and collected. But I spill it all. From beginning to end.

When I’m done, I notice that Daniel’s expression seems faraway. He stands with his legs wide apart and his back straight, his hands pushed deep in his pockets.

“Does she have thick, black hair? An elf ear?” He moves his hand to his own.

“Yes, she does. That’s what made me sure.” I hold his face between my hands. Our eyes meet. Everything stands still.

“And she looks like Maria?” he says. “Just like when she was a baby?” Daniel’s voice is soft and understanding. Finally. I knew he would believe me.

“She is a copy of Maria. You have to see her.”

I put my hands around his neck, lean against him. It was so long ago. But it feels like we’ve never been apart. Time has not broken the bond between us.

“And you met her, talked to her?” he says. “You’re sure?”

“Daniel, she’s our daughter.” I want to cry with relief because he understands. With sadness for all the years that have passed. With joy to be with him, to feel the closeness between us.

“Our daughter is dead.” Daniel breaks free from me. “We buried her. Don’t you remember that?” He might as well have punched me in the stomach. “Damn it, Stella. How much of this am I supposed to take? How many times will we have to go through this?”

“It is her. I know it’s her. I feel it with every fiber of my being.” I turn away and take a deep breath before looking at him again. “I talked to Sven Nilsson. Do you remember him? The police officer? There was a tip that was never followed up. I’m meeting with him on Tuesday.” I grab Daniel’s hands, forcing him to look up. “I thought you might want to come with me. We’ll go there together. We’ll get answers. This time we’ll know what—”

“Stella, listen,” Daniel interrupts. “Alice is gone. You have to let go. We have both moved on. That’s all we need to know.”

The lump in my throat grows and the tears start to flow. I’m crying loudly now.

“Daniel, you have to help me,” I sniff. “Please, don’t desert me. You’re all I have left.” He puts his hand on my cheek and I throw myself into his arms.

“I’m as sad as you are,” he says quietly. “I am.”

“I miss her. And I miss you.” I sob and hear that my words are incomprehensible. He hushes me and speaks quietly into my hair. He strokes my back.

It feels lovely. It feels good. And I want him. Now.

It’s wrong.

I know it’s wrong.

But it feels so right to be here in his arms. And the lust I felt before has returned. I caress his cheek, run my fingers through his hair, touch the scar on his forehead. I pull his face down and kiss him. Daniel pushes me off and straightens up.

“That is not gonna help anything. You have a nice family, don’t forget that. Your husband loves you. I could see it when I met him twelve years ago. He cares about you. And he takes a lot better care of you than I ever could have.”