‘Can't a man toast his lover when she dies?'
He went still, the cheeky smile falling away from his face. The woman with him giggled nervously and took one of our shots. I glared at her, so she put it back on the bar.
‘I'm sorry, mate, I-'
‘Don't bother,' I snapped.
Kerry slid up next to me and collected our drinks. ‘Thanks, Taurus.'
The distraction broke the silence between my brother and me. He coughed and nodded, leading his date to the other end of the pub.
‘I'm sure Gemini didn't mean it like that,' Cancer said, patting the seat between her and Kerry.
I fell onto it, sighing as my butt hit the cushion. My brother was an idiot, but he didn't mean any harm. Everyone judging my addiction was getting old. If anyone else said anything to me about drugs or drink, I promised myself that I would knock them out.
‘Let's toast to Sophie. I didn't know her, but she seemed like a great girl.' Kerry lifted one of the shots.
We joined her in her toast, downing the drink in one.
‘She was a great girl. Although, she wouldn't want us to be sad.' Cancer picked up the next shot without waiting and threw that down her throat, too.
She wanted to drown out much more than Sophie's death. Matt had got under her skin. I could tell by the way she kept looking at her phone. Did he have her phone number? If so, he must have given it to her when they'd escaped from Nick.
‘When my mum died, my nana told me that a good way to move forward after losing someone, was to promise to do something in their honour. I promised my mum that I would get through college and become a hairdresser.' Kerry smiled at me.
I blinked, seeing her for the first time since I had come in the pub. Her hair was loose around her face. The blonde was darker next to Cancer.
‘That's a great idea!' Cancer exclaimed hugging her friend.
The tequila burned my throat as I chucked it in my mouth. It was a bit fanciful, but if it made Cancer happy, I would indulge.
‘I promise Sophie that I will write the book I've always wanted to write.' She downed her drink and thumped the glass down on the table.
‘What about you?' Kerry asked me.
I glanced at Kerry. She smiled at me. I had forgotten that she knew my secret. She knew what I had almost done all those years ago. She wasn't judging me.
‘I promise to … '
What could I do? My life was a pile of crap. I looked down at my glass, watching the bubbles of the lager lift to the surface. What was a worthy enough pledge to the girl that had died because of me?
The others stayed quiet as I thought. I could feel their eyes on me as I contemplated the biggest promise I had ever made. I looked at Cancer. Her gaze was expectant. I hadn't looked at her properly for a very long time. Images of her playing with Pisces when we were children came into my mind. Aries hitting Leo and hiding behind me played through my head. My siblings were always there on my birthday, celebrating with me, no matter what.
‘I promise to … '
Nick's flashback consumed my vision. He had been staring at the crazy man when he had claimed that they had to keep evil on the planet. My chest almost exploded with memory. I closed my eyes and put my head in my hands as fragments of something unfamiliar tried to worm its way out of my memory.
‘Are you okay?' Kerry's voice filtered through the rushing sound that filled my ears. A hand landed on my back. The soft touch was soothing as it broke through the confusion that raced through my head.
‘I'm fine.' I grunted as the weird head rush left me.
My body was calm. The alcohol I had consumed was working its way over my muscles, relaxing them. I patted my trouser pocket to make sure the small baggie of white powder was still there. One more time. I would get high on my own, without Nick. I needed to know one more thing before I could leave the past behind and plan my future.
‘I promise to stop lying to myself and others. I promise to give up drugs.'
The others stared at me, their mouths hanging open.
‘That's not an attractive look, ladies,' I joked, lifting my beer. ‘To Sophie.'
They shook themselves and slowly started to smile. ‘To Sophie!' they chorused before we downed our drinks in one.
Chapter Seventeen
///
‘I know this is a bit weird, but I have to do something and I need someone here.'
I undid my jeans and let them drop to the floor. Kerry's eyes widened as she took a step back.
‘Sorry!' I jumped forward to stop her from leaving. Not that she was leaving. I tripped on my jeans and landed on the floor at her feet.
‘What are you doing?' She laughed.
I sat up and looked at her. It was a good job she'd stepped back quickly. She wore a short flowy summer dress. I wouldn't have been able to resist a peak if she had stayed where she was.
‘This is going to sound mad. I need to take drugs one last time. I can't go into it. I just need someone with me for safety reasons.'
Her eyes were so wide I wondered if they would pop out of her head. She didn't run for the door like I thought she would, but put her hands on her hips.
‘You're the only person I trust enough to ask.'
Her shoulders relaxed. ‘What about the others?'
I shook my head. Not one of them would stand by and let me take drugs. I was still unsure if Kerry would, but I had to ask her. I was a little apprehensive at taking the white powder on my own.
‘This is the last time I'm taking it. It's for a specific reason.'
She lowered her hands from her hips. The frown didn't leave her face.
‘I don't understand why you need me here. You're a regular drug taker. You know how it works.'
I scooted back and leant against my bed. The door was locked. Gemini was with his lady friend and Aquarius was at his day job. If the timing of the last few doses was right, I would be out for a few hours. I wanted Kerry to keep an eye on me that was all.
‘This is a different type of drug. I hallucinate on it.' It was the best way I could describe it without sounding too airy fairy. In fact, it was probably exactly what was happening. That's why I wanted to control my own trip.
‘You want me to watch that?'
She rubbed her neck as she licked her lips. It was a lot to ask. Since I had opened up to her, she felt like a best friend. Someone I could trust. Someone who actually wanted to hear what I had to say.
‘I go to sleep. It's hard to explain. I just need you to trust me.' I couldn't meet her gaze. She was trying too hard to delve into me and see what I was hiding. How could I tell her that I was about to go back in time to try and find out why I was here?
‘Okay.'
I almost didn't hear her. The corner of my lip lifted into my cheek when I looked up at her. She relaxed even more when our gaze met. I nodded once and pointed at the television.
‘You can watch television when I'm asleep. Or read. Just keep an eye on me, okay?'
She nodded and picked up a book from Aquarius' shelf. Flicking through it, she ignored me as I pulled on my joggers and took out the white baggie.
‘I don't know how you can snort that up your nose,' she said, making me jump.
She was standing right behind me. I had been so wrapped up in making a line from the white powder, I hadn't noticed. Her breath fanned the back of my neck as I leant over. It was comforting, in a weird sort of way.
‘I'm used to it,' I replied, chuckling when she shuddered.
The disgust on her face shut me up. It was a filthy habit and one that would kill me if I didn't stop. It ruined lives. It had already ruined mine. But it wasn't too late. I was sure of that. If I gave up now, I could turn my life around.
‘Are you ready?' I asked, too ashamed to look at her as I hovered over the line that would hopefully answer my question once and for all.
‘Just get it over with,' she murmured.
I put the rolled note to the end of the line and pulled it along, sniffing up the white powder as I went. The sound echoed around the room, louder than anything I had ever heard. It was tinged with shame and disgust as it died away.
I rubbed my nose and closed my eyes as the sting dissipated. When I glanced at Kerry, she quickly looked away. The expression that was on her face etched into my mind. It solidified my determination to get off drugs. I never wanted anyone to think of me like that again.
The effects rushed over me quicker than they ever had before. I lay on my bed, facing away from her. I didn't want to look at her anymore.
‘What should I do if anything happens?' she asked.
I turned to her. ‘Give me mouth to mouth.'
She tutted and shook her head. Her pursed lips parted when I stuck my tongue out.
‘Seriously … '
‘Put me into the recovery position. If things get really bad, don't ring an ambulance. I'll be fine … don't panic.'
She frowned. ‘Don't ring an ambulance?'
///
My head started to beat in time to my heart. A warm floating feeling enveloped my whole being. My eyelids started to droop.
‘No. I'm sexy, I'll get through it.'