My walk turned into a jog. My skin was itching. I needed to see if I had lost my power. What had happened? Was it the drugs?
‘Careful!' someone shouted as I shot past them, my legs pumping harder and harder.
The Common came into view. The grass met my shoes as I thundered onto it. Nature was my passion. It was in my bones. I had researched everything to do with science, nature and the human condition. However, the one thing I hadn't even looked at was how I was able to manipulate the earth.
‘Let's see,' I muttered, ducking behind a clump of trees so the dog walkers wouldn't see me pointing at the ground.
My arm was like a wand. I used my body to feel into the energy of the living plant. Just a small movement with my hand or arm made the element do as I asked.
I held my arm in the air and closed my eyes. The nearest tree was only small. I would start with that one. Energetically feeling my way into the roots of the tree, I tried to mesh my energy with its own. A barrier stopped me from connecting. It was hard to describe how I was able to manipulate the tree. It was even harder to figure out why I couldn't.
‘Crap!' I exclaimed when I was denied access to every tree surrounding me.
It must be the substance in my system. My brain was still a bit fuzzy from the day before. I was used to being a bit slow, but the drugs had never made it impossible to use my power.
My phone burst into music. The rock song made my eyes fly open as I tried to grab it out of my pocket. The number was unfamiliar.
‘Taurus, it's Kerry. I'm sorry. Cancer gave me your number. I can't believe I just dropped that on you. Especially with everything you're going through. I-'
‘Kerry?' I interrupted.
‘Yes?'
‘Come and meet me on Clapham Common. In the kid's playground.'
I might as well talk to her. I didn't have to hide my power from her. I didn't seem to have it anymore.
‘Okay, I'll be there in a bit.'
I tried to connect with the tree one last time before I buried my phone back in my pocket and left the safety of the clearing. My whole body shook as I walked over to the play area. Kids were in school, so the park was free.
‘What the hell am I doing with my life?' I muttered, climbing on the roundabout and leaning against the pole.
The first thing I had wanted to do when I woke up, was to take the white powder that now sat in the back pocket of my jeans. The next thing I wanted to do was to go and see Nick. The last thing I wanted was to be sober.
Kerry appeared across the grass. Her maxi dress blew in the gentle breeze. Her ponytail swung as she marched towards me.
‘You just can't resist me, can you?' I yelled as she came into the play area.
She raised her eyebrows as she came to stand by the roundabout. She put her hands on her hips and opened her mouth to speak.
‘It's okay. You don't have to confess your undying love for me. I already know,' I joked, trying to grin at her.
Rolling her eyes, she came onto the small roundabout and leant on the pole opposite me. Our knees almost knocked so she scooted back a bit.
‘If you don't grieve for her, you'll never let it go.'
The sun heated my bare arms where they held onto the cool metal.
‘She died because of me,' I replied.
‘No, she didn't. She liked you. I assume she was trying to help you against the drug dealer?'
The charade was pathetic. Drug dealers killing Sophie because she was trying to help me. Funnily enough, it could be true. My dealers were much less hardcore than the fantasy one I had made up to Kerry. However, it was much more realistic than the actual truth.
///
‘Something like that.'
She saw straight through me. Her eyes searched mine, so I looked away. I squinted from the sun as I watched the swing move slightly in the breeze.
‘You're not very emotional, are you?'
She crossed her arms over her chest. The start of a smile tugged at my lips.
‘No, I'm not,' I replied. ‘There's no point in crying over everything.'
I believed it. The day that had changed my life was the day I decided never to let emotion overtake me again.
‘I almost killed my siblings.' I don't know what made me blurt it.
My shoulders slumped as the truth came out of my mouth. No one knew my secret. Why had I told someone I hardly knew?
‘Was there an accident?' She pushed her hair back from her shoulder as it fell forward. The crease on her forehead would deepen with my next sentence, but now the words were out, I had to tell the story.
‘No. It was on purpose.'
The night had haunted me for years. I took drugs to try and erase the memory. I drank to try and forget the pain of what I had almost done.
‘You almost killed your brothers and sisters on purpose?'
Her eyes widened at my confession. She was right to judge me. I even judged myself for what I had almost done.
‘Can I tell you?' I swallowed as I looked at her from under the lip of my cap.
Her expression softened as she nodded. I was asking for her trust. My question wasn't about telling her my secret, it was asking if she would keep it. She knew that. I knew that. We had an unspoken agreement.
‘I used to be a personal trainer. I was at uni and loved every minute of it. You know what that lifestyle is like. You drink and take drugs. It's just part of it. One day, I came home to find the others gathered around the table. They were holding an intervention. They threatened to tell my tutors that I was taking drugs.'
I cracked my knuckles as I told the story. It seemed so petty. When they decided to try and rule my life, I had gone mad. No one could rule me. No one.
‘Go on,' Kerry encouraged.
The wind moved her hair. It was only a slight movement, but it caught my eye and reminded me of Sophie. The two women were similar.
‘I was calm. Instead of shouting and trashing things like I usually would, I remained calm. They thought they could control me. They believed that I was complacent and stupid. What they didn't know was that they had awoken something in me that I had never felt before.'
The memory made me grip the pole hard between my fingers. I had a problem with being controlled and I didn't know why. I had never known why.
‘What was that?' Her voice was almost a whisper.
‘Hatred. I hated them for interfering in my life. The images of what I would do to them sickened me. I hated them for making me feel that way. Why did I imagine killing them all in their sleep?'
The confession slunk out of me like a dark shadow. Kerry would be disgusted but it didn't matter. I finally admitted the truth.
‘What did you do?' she whispered.
Bile rose into my mouth. It burnt my throat as I swallowed it back down. Sighing, I let my head fall forward and breathed out.
‘It's not what I did that scared me. It's what I thought I could do,' I began, looking her directly in the eye. ‘That night, when everyone was in bed, I went to the kitchen and took out a knife. There wasn't a specific person that had upset me. I felt betrayed by every single one of them. I went to Aries' room first. Scorpio and Leo were asleep but Aries was watching a film.'
Kerry shivered. Goose bumps rose on her arms as she watched me. I couldn't look away from her. The vision of her face kept me from picturing myself holding a knife, ready to kill.
‘If he had been asleep, I don't know if I would've done it. I ask myself that question every time I'm sober. If Aries was asleep, would I have gone through with my plan?'
‘Surely most people have thought about killing people they're annoyed with,' Kerry said, rubbing her arms.
She was kind. Trying to make me feel better wouldn't work. I wasn't right in the head sometimes. I knew that. The drugs were the only thing that stopped me from having those thoughts.
‘I don't think they pick up a knife and intend to go through with it, though.'
‘Were you taking drugs?'
I looked down as I brought my hands together in front of me. The hairs on my arms were long and dyed blonde by the sun. My skin was tanned and rippled over the muscle in my forearm.
‘Yes, every day.'
Her feet shuffled. She wore sandals. Her toenails were painted green to match her dress.
‘Have you ever thought that it could've been the drugs?'
///
Shaking my head, I brought my gaze up to meet hers. Our eyes locked. I didn't want pity or understanding, but the depths of her eyes offered both.
‘There's no excuse for the way I acted,' I said, shaking myself.
My phone buzzed with a text. I was pleased for the distraction.
‘You're a drug addict. They make you do crazy things, Taurus.'
The text was from Cancer. Matt had gone into hiding because Nick knew that he had gone behind his back. It was a reminder of the world I lived in. A world that Kerry knew nothing about.
‘They're not as bad as everyone makes out!' I snapped. I got off the roundabout and gave it a push so she couldn't follow me.
‘Hey!' Kerry called as I spun away and left the play area.
Why did everyone blame what I did on drugs? I put my hand in my pocket to check that the baggie with the white powder was still in there. I froze when I realised what I had done. Only an addict would check their drugs straight after they denied a problem.