“Yeah, that's alright,” I say, feeling so mean I can't stand it. I don't feel like myself when I'm acting like this, but I can't let him walk away from me like that. This is why I hate people, even when you have the lowest of expectations, they let you down. “Because I don't pay for it anyway.” Ty stops walking and turns around.
“Are you calling me a whore?” he asks and then just shakes his head. He holds up his hands which are so covered in rings and bracelets that they jingle. “You know what,” he continues as he opens his eyes wide and looks straight at me. “Just forget about it. You're not worth it.” Ty turns away again, and I let him go. My heart is pounding so hard against my ribcage that I can barely breathe.
I'm not worth it?
Why am I not worth it?
“Fuck you!” I call out, and then I'm turning away and pushing through the doors of the bar. I wrap my jacket tightly around myself and walk the four or so blocks to the convenience store. By the time I get there, the balls of my feet are on fire, and I have to pause outside and walk back and forth on flat feet for awhile. The guy inside the store is watching me like I'm a crazy person, but that's only because he's never walked four blocks in a pair of heels. If he had, he'd give me a free pair of shoe inserts and tell me to come on in.
When the pain subsides a bit, I slip the shoes back on and go inside. I don't know what I'm there to buy, so I walk around and don't even care that the employee is staring at me like I'm a thief. That's okay. If he wants to think that, I don't care. Tears are streaming down my face, and I can hardly breathe. I can't stop thinking about the words that Ty said.
You're not worth it.
I want to tell myself that I am, I am worth it, but I can't because I don't believe it either. The reason that Ty's words have cut me so deep is because he's right. I'm not worth it. I'm not worth anything. I grab a box of donuts and a six pack of beer and head to the counter.
“Gimme a pack of Marlboro Reds,” I say as my eyes catch movement outside the glass doors. I dash the tears away with the back of my hand. “You've gotta be fucking kidding me.” Ty and his friends, Lacey included, are coming into the store, laughing and smiling and leaning on one another like they're old friends.
“Hey Never,” Lacey says as she pretends to be as drunk as the rest of them. “I thought you'd gone home. What are you doing here?” The girl she's leaning on starts to giggle and gets the whole group going. Except for Ty. He's moved into the chip aisle and is purposely keeping his gaze off of me and on the snack food. I hope it's because he feels bad for what he said to me, but I guess that it's really because he doesn't like me and doesn't want to get roped into hanging out by association.
“I'm picking up my three favorite therapists: sugar, alcohol, and nicotine.” This is the only time the group stops laughing, not even the clerk smiles at my joke. I don't look at Ty. I slam my ID and debit card down on the counter and hope there's enough left on there to cover the cost. I've blown through all of my financial aid for the semester and half of my Perkins loan. I tell myself I'll make up for it by pirating my chem book off the internet. It's overpriced anyway.
“Come hang with us, Never. We're going dancing,” Lacey says as she reluctantly lets the others untangle themselves from her and go stumbling through the convenience store. It only takes one of the guys a few seconds to bump into something and knock a pile of magazines to the floor. At least the clerk isn't staring at me anymore. I'm getting really fucking tired of being stared at.
“Never doesn't like to dance,” Ty says from his position next to a display of Doritos. “She told me herself.” I watch him out of the corner of my eye, but I don't stare. If I do, I think my gaze will be hot enough to melt him, to burn those colorful tattoos down his skin, bleed them across the white linoleum floor.
“Are you kidding?” Lacey says, poking me in the arm as I stuff the cigarettes into the pocket of my jacket and give her a look that says, You talk, you die. She ignores me or doesn't get it. Either way, she continues to blabber, oblivious to the fact that I'm pointedly headed for the door. “Never's mom was a belly dancer. She's great at it. Never, I mean, not just her mom.” I pause for a moment, tucking the donuts under my arm where they'll no doubt get squashed. Doesn't matter anyway; I'm such a sucker for powdered sugar, I could practically eat it out of the bag. Plus, I have cigarettes and booze. The night isn't a total fucking waste.
Ty is staring at me with an expression that says he's disappointed. What he thinks gives him the right to look at me that way is beyond me. You're not worth it. I shake my head and step out of the way of the glass doors. They're swinging inward and ushering in a rush of cold air and a pair of guys that I don't like the looks of. There's a girl with them, too, but I don't like her anymore than I like them. I ignore them all. There are a lot of shitty people in this world. I know that better than anyone.