He was up and off the bed so fast she stopped talking.
“Don’t go there, Bunny. I never stopped thinking about you, wondering if you were okay, if you were safe.” He sounded angry, and he had every right to be, but she didn’t want this conversation to go there. So, she nodded, and waited to hear if he wanted to say anything else. He sat back down and started rubbing his palms on his thighs. She looked at his chest again, felt her heart flutter, and then felt her throat tighten at the thought of all the things she wanted to say.
“I’ve missed you, Bunny.”
What he said struck right in her heart. The words were out there, hanging between them. He lifted a hand and rubbed the back of his neck. The way his bicep clenched and flexed had this potent, if misplaced, desire moving through her. Right now shouldn’t be about arousal, but about making things right and clearing the air.
“I missed you, too, and it’s been hard during this time, because I know leaving you sleeping in the bed was wrong. But I was afraid, I guess.” She whispered that last part.
“The past is the past.”
She shook her head. “I know it is, but you were the one good thing in my life, Brendan, you and Lila’s friendship. But…” She closed her eyes and thought about that night that was so fresh in her mind. “I was awake when you told me you loved me, and even though I loved you, too, so, so much, hearing you say those words brought up my father, brought up the shitty part of my life I couldn’t let go of.” She wouldn’t cry. She couldn’t. Her father was dead, gone, and she’d never have to think about him again.
Yeah. Right.
“I knew saying that would bring up your father. I shouldn’t have said that until I knew you were ready to hear it.”
She wiped away a stray tear that fell down her cheek. “I was ready to hear it, Tank.” She opened her eyes and looked at him. “I was just too broken and fucked up to let it in, to have let you in. Maybe I still am.”
He was off the bed and crouched in front of her only seconds later. He took her hands in his and gave them a squeeze while looking into her eyes.
“Your father was a piece of shit, and even if he stopped hurting you after I beat his ass, the damage he did was already done.” The pain on Tank’s face was so tangible she felt it double with her own. “I should have just enjoyed the moment.”
She smiled, but it was forced, sad. “You have nothing to apologize for. I’m the one that’s screwed up.” She looked down at their conjoined hands, and moved her gaze over her partially exposed forearms under the oversized sleeves of the shirt. She could see the cigarette burns marking her flesh, remembered the pain of being pinned down while her drunken father put out his cigarettes and cigars on her skin. Closing her eyes again she hated that it still affected her, that it was still so fresh in her mind.
And it probably always will feel that way.
“He used to tell me he loved me as he burned my skin.” She didn’t know why she said the words, because Tank already knew. He knew everything about her, all the dirty, dark things she kept hidden from others. He was the only one she could stand touching her, holding her, and she knew it would always be that way.
His touch is the one I long for, have missed so much.
He was the only one she could trust herself with, could be herself with.
“Shh, we don’t have to talk about that, Bunny.”
She nodded. “We do, Tank. We really do, because I left you lying in the bed after you told me you loved me.” She was crying harder now, unable to stop herself. “It’s just,” she sucked in a breath. “It’s just, you said that you loved me, and instead of me saying it back, feeling it in the purest sense, I just saw my father over me, pinning me down, burning me with his cigar as he told me how much he loved me.”
He smoothed his hand over her face, and she squeezed her eyes tight enough lights flashed behind her closed lids. He pulled her in for a hug, and she just let him hold her, absorbed the feelings of having him close to her again. Bunny breathed heavily, feeling all that tension leave her at Tank’s touch. He’d been the only one to calm her, to make her feel like she wouldn’t lose herself.
And you left because you’re weak. You were a coward.
Bunny pulled back and tilted her head to look at him. She felt out of control right now, and but had the sensation that being with Tank was what she needed, was what would make this all better. It was kind of fucked up, she knew, but she did love Tank, and being here with him now made the past fade away, just dissolve like it hadn’t happened.
“Everything will be okay, Bunny,” he said softly and cupped one side of her face. “I know that’s why you ran, but I should have gone after you.”