And now he’s stonewalling me. What’s up with that?
“I’m assuming you’ve nailed her?”
He frowns. “It’s not like that, Drew.”
I’m confused. “Then what’s it like, Matthew? You haven’t hung out in over two weeks. I can understand you being too pussy-whipped to come out if you’re getting some. But if not, what’s the deal?”
He smiles in a nostalgic, remembering-a-happy-moment kind of way. “She’s just…different. It’s hard to explain. We talk, you know? And I’m always kind of thinking about her. It’s like the minute I drop her off, I can’t wait to see her again. She just…amazes me. I wish you knew what I meant.”
And the scary thing is—I know exactly what he means.
“You’re in dangerous territory, man. You see what Steven goes through. This path leads to the Dark Side. We always said we wouldn’t go there. You sure about this?”
Matthew smiles, and in his best Darth Vader voice tells me, “You don’t know the power of the Dark Side.”
It’s dinnertime. My mother makes a big show of bringing out the turkey, and everyone oohs and ahhs before my father carves it up. That’s right—Norman fucking Rockwell’s got nothing on us.
As bowls are passed and plates are filled, my mom says, “Drew, honey, I’m going to pack you up a big bag of leftovers. I don’t even want to think about how you’re eating in that apartment with no one to cook a decent meal. And I’ll put dates on the containers so you’ll know when to throw it out. The last time I looked in your refrigerator, it was like some sort of science experiment was growing in there.”
Yes—my mommy loves me. Told you so.
“Thanks, Mom.”
Matthew and Steven make loud, wet kissy noises at me. With both hands, I flip each of them the bird. Beside me I see Mackenzie looking at her fingers trying to copy the move. I quickly put my hand over hers and shake my head. I show her Mr. Spock’s Vulcan salute instead.
After we say grace, I announce, “I think Mackenzie should come live with me.”
No one reacts. No one looks up. No one pauses. I’ve made this suggestion several times since my niece was born.
Alexandra says, “The turkey’s delicious, Mom. Very juicy.”
“Thank you, dear.”
“Hello? I’m serious here. She needs a positive female role model.”
That gets The Bitch’s attention. “What the hell am I?”
Mackenzie slides the jar toward her mother, and in goes a dollar. We all bring small bills to the table on holidays now.
“You’re a stay-at-home mom. Which is very commendable, don’t get me wrong. But she should be exposed to career women too. And for God’s sake, don’t let her watch Cinderella. What kind of example is that? A mindless twit who can’t even remember where she left her damn shoe, so she has to wait for some douchebag in tights to bring it to her? Give me a frigging break.”
I’m not sure how much I owe after that little speech. I pass Mackenzie a ten. Did I say that jar would put her through college? I meant law school. I’m going to need to hit an ATM soon.
Steven joins in. “I think Alexandra is the perfect role model for our daughter. There’s no one better.”
Steven is a beaten man. And Matthew wants to join his club.
Unreal.
Alexandra smiles at him. “Thank you, honey.”
“You’re welcome, dear.”
Matthew and I start coughing, “Whipped…brown nose.”
Mackenzie looks at us suspiciously, unsure if we need to pay up or not.
Alexandra scowls.
I continue, “I should bring her to the office with me. She should meet Kate, don’t you think, Dad?”
My mother asks quickly, “Who’s Kate?”
My father answers between bites, “Katherine Brooks, new employee. Brilliant girl. And quite the firecracker. She gave Drew a run for his money when she first started.”
My mother looks at me with glittering, hopeful eyes. The way Paula Deen looks at a tub of lard, imagining the delicacy just waiting to be made. “Well, this Kate sounds like a lovely young lady, Drew. Maybe you should have her over to the house for dinner.”
I roll my eyes. “We work together, Mom. She’s engaged. To a jackass, but that’s another story.”
Another dollar bites the dust.
My sister interjects, “I think Mom’s just surprised to actually hear you refer to a woman by name. Usually it’s ‘the waitress with the nice butt’ or ‘the blonde with the big boobs.’”
Though her observation is accurate, I ignore it. “The point is, she’s a terrific example for Mackenzie of how much a woman can accomplish.” Despite her terrible taste in men. “I’d be…I think we’d all be really proud if she grew up to be half the professional Kate is.”