Then there’s Steven’s father, George Reinhart. Picture Steven thirty years from now with thinning hair and a serious case of crow’s feet. Mrs. Reinhart passed away when we were teenagers. To my knowledge, George hasn’t been out on a single date since. He spends a lot of time at work, quietly crunching numbers in his office. He’s a great guy.
And that brings us to the Fishers, Matthew’s parents. Can’t wait for you to see them. They’re a fucking riot. Frank and Estelle Fisher are the most mellow people I’ve ever met.
They’re almost catatonic.
Imagine Ward and June Cleaver after they’ve smoked a giant bong of marijuana. That’s Frank and Estelle. You’d think Matthew’s parents would be a little more high-strung, wouldn’t you? I have a theory. They had Matthew later in life, and I think he sucked out any energy they had left—like a parasite.
Topping off the mix is Matthew, Steven, Alexandra, and myself.
Oh—and of course the other woman in my life. I can’t believe I haven’t mentioned her before. She is the only female to ever truly hold my heart in her hand. I am her slave. She asks, and I do.
Gladly.
Her name is Mackenzie. She’s got long blond hair and the biggest blue eyes you’ll ever see. She’s almost four. See her there? On the other end of the seesaw I’m currently riding.
“So, Mackenzie, have you decided what you want to be when you grow up?”
“Yep. I wanna be a princess. And I wanna marry a prince and live in a castle.”
I need to talk to my sister. Disney is dangerous. Corrosive brainwashing bullshit, if you ask me.
“Or, you could go into real estate. Then you could buy the castle yourself and you won’t need the prince.”
She thinks I’m funny. She laughs.
“Uncle Drew. How’s I gonna have a baby wit no prince?”
Oh, boy.
“You’ve got plenty of time for babies. After you get your masters in business or your medical degree. Oh, or you can be a CEO and start a daycare at your office. Then you can bring your babies to work with you every day.”
“Momma don’t go to a office.”
“Momma sold herself short, sweetie.”
My sister was a brilliant trial attorney. She could have gone all the way to the Supreme Court. Seriously. She was that good.
Alexandra worked throughout her entire pregnancy and had a nanny all lined up. Then she held Mackenzie in her arms for the first time. She told the nanny the same day her services wouldn’t be needed. Not that I blame her. I couldn’t imagine a more important job than making sure my perfect niece grows up happy and healthy.
“Uncle Drew?”
“Yes?”
“Is you gonna die alone?”
I smirk. “I don’t plan on dying for a long time, honey.”
“Momma says you gonna die alone. She tol’ Daddy that you gonna die and it be days till a cleanin’ lady find your rottin’ corpse.”
Lovely. Thank you, Alexandra.
“Wha’s a corpse, Uncle Drew?”
Wow.
I’m saved from having to answer when I see Matthew walking down the back steps into the yard.
“Hey, sweetie, look who’s here!” She hops off the seesaw and flings herself into Matthew’s open arms.
Before you ask, the answer is no—when she is older, my little darling will never hook up with a guy like me. She’ll be too smart for that. I’ll make sure of it. Guess that makes me a hypocrite, huh? That’s okay. I can live with that.
Matthew puts Mackenzie down and walks over. “Hey, man.”
“What’s up?”
“You go out early last night?” he asks me. “You never came back to the party.”
I shrug. “My head wasn’t in it. I hit the gym and went to bed.”
The truth is I spent three hours pounding the hell out of the punching bag, imagining all the while that it was Billy Warren’s face.
“You hung out with that Delores chick?”
He nods. “Her, Kate, and Billy.”
I shake my head. “That guy licks ass.”
Mackenzie walks over to us and holds up a glass jar half-filled with dollar bills. I slide a dollar into it.
“He’s not so bad.”
“Idiots annoy me.”
Mackenzie holds up the jar again, and in goes another dollar.
The jar?
It was invented by my sister, who apparently thinks my language is too harsh for her offspring. It’s the Bad Word Jar. Every time someone—usually me—swears, they have to pay a dollar. At this rate, that thing is going to put Mackenzie through college.
“So what’s the deal with you and Delores?”
He smiles. “We’re hanging out. She’s cool.”
Usually Matthew is more forthcoming with the details. It’s not like I get off on his stories, but you have to understand, Matthew and I have been friends since birth. That means every kiss, every breast, every hand job, blow job, pearl necklace, and lay has been shared and discussed.