"Open your eyes, Alexis! From what I can tell, he's a player, and those types of guys don't change. I mean, just look at his fucking bar! I see how all those women eye the bartenders and I've seen how that Damian Style shot works. He's practically running a strip club down there! Do you honestly want your child to grow up with that kind of father?"
"Shut up, Chris! Just shut up!" I was in hysterics and wanted Chris to leave. I didn't want to hear any of this.
"Why don't you want to hear this, Alexis? Is it because you think I'm lying to you? Or is it because everything I'm saying makes sense to you and you don't want to face reality?"
I shook my head frantically and buried my face in my hands.
"Alexis, I'm sorry. I really am." Chris's voice suddenly changed, and the forcefulness was gone. The warm, soothing voice that always comforted me had taken its place.
"I don't think you should be here, Chris." I looked away from him, wishing he would just leave.
"I don't want to hurt you. I didn't mean to make you so upset. I didn't come here to talk about Damian. I came here to talk about us, Alexis. I know I'm not the father of your child. But I love you, and I can give you everything that you want and everything that Damian can't. I have a stable, respectable job, and I can take care of you and your baby. I want to take care of your child like she's my own."
I looked up at Chris and something in the way he was looking at me took me back to the years we were so happy and in love. For a moment, I wondered if he was right. I wondered if he was a better option for me.
Can I love him again? Would he make a better father to Izzy?
I pictured Damian and felt my heart ache for him. I wondered if he really loved me. If he had loved me, why hadn't he come by to see me? Why hadn't he come by to take care of me when I was still battling cancer and six months pregnant with his daughter? Things were going to get increasingly harder in the coming months. After I gave birth to Isabella, I'd have to go through extensive radiation therapy. I'd need someone I could rely on. I'd need someone who would think about only my needs. I'd need someone responsible enough to take care of Isabella if something were to happen to me.
I looked over at Chris and smiled at him gratefully. "Thank you being here for us, Chris."
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
Damian
"Why am I here?" I sat on a bench facing the Palace of Fine Arts, a picturesque domed rotunda that sat in the middle of a lagoon lined with Eucalyptus trees.
Because this place reminds you of Alex, a voice answered me.
I let out a heavy sigh as I looked around. She had always wanted me to take her here. This was a special place for her. She had told me once that her father had proposed to her mother here at sunset in front of a pair of swans and half a dozen geese.
The morning rain had stopped and the sun began to peek through the departing clouds. I looked around and saw several couples walking around together. A dull ache radiated from my chest as I watched how happy and in love they were. My stomach twisted with jealousy and I wished Alexis were here with me.
Why did we have that fight?
It'd been three days since that mess of a day and I hadn't heard from her since. I had wanted to call her and go see her at her apartment, but with how we had left things, I knew she wanted her space. And in all honestly, I had needed my own space. I'd realized that, in the last few months, I hadn't had much time to myself. Every free moment of my life had revolved around Alexis and doing things for her and our baby. Life had been moving so fast that I felt as if I had forgotten who I was. I had forgotten what I wanted out of life.
But what do you want out of life?
During these past three days, that was the one question I couldn't seem to figure out. I loved Alexis and I wanted her in my life. But her words had echoed in my head since our fight. Maybe all I thought about was sex? Maybe I wasn't ready to take things seriously? Maybe I wasn't ready to be a father? When I had seen the anger and frustration in her face, I knew I had failed her. I had tried to be there for her and take care of her, but I'd failed to always put her needs in front of mine. She was right-I was always thinking about sex and how I was going to get inside her.
I bowed my head in shame and regret at my selfishness.
Someone else's words had echoed in my head during the past few days. Chris's.
"You don't fucking deserve her."
As much as I hated the man for who he was to Alexis, the truth of his words cut me like a sharp dagger to the chest. I didn't think I deserved Alexis. She was strong, brave, and unafraid to love-she was everything I wasn't. She had repeatedly forgiven me for my fuck-ups and overlooked my shortcomings. And now, when she'd probably needed me the most, all I had been thinking about was myself and my cock.
"I don't fucking deserve her," I muttered in self-loathing.
"Stop it, darling. Someone might see you!" an aged woman's voice said in mirth.
Something about the sheer delight in her voice pulled me out of my internal misery and caused me to look over toward the direction of her voice.
On the bench directly to the left of mine was an elderly couple in their seventies. The elderly man had his arms around the elderly woman. I noticed one of his hands was inside the woman's blouse and massaging her breast.
"Who cares if anyone sees us," the man said in a crackly low voice. "I'll take that risk when it comes to you."
The woman laughed and they gazed at each other lovingly. She sighed and kissed the man. "Even at our age, with our children and grandchildren, you're still as much of a horndog as the day I met you."
"Wasn't that the boyish charm you fell in love with?"
"Oh, sweetie, didn't I tell you? I fell in love with you because of the money," the woman teased back.
"And I'd give up every single penny of that money for a lifetime with you."
The woman laughed. "Luckily we have both, so we're both happy."
The man threw his head back in laughter. "I will never get tired of that spunk of yours."
"Well, sugar, take me home then, because there's plenty more of where that came from."
Then to my surprise, the elderly man stood up faster than I'd ever see a geezer move. "Let's do it on the couch tonight!" he said excitedly as he helped his wife up. "Maybe we can watch some porn this time?"
I chuckled to myself at the hopeful excitement in his voice.
"Only if you take your Viagra this time. I don't want any early surprises."
I watched as the elderly couple laughed together as they walked away from me, hand in hand, heading home for a night of fun.
As they disappeared down the street, I was filled with a sense of longing.
Immediately, something clicked inside me-almost like the last piece of a puzzle was being snapped into its rightful place.
That's what I want! That's what I want with Alexis!
My mother had ripped out my heart years ago and I thought I'd never want to love another person again. But somehow, Alexis had seeped through the cracks in the walls I'd put up, and somehow she had found my heart and given it back to me.
I jumped up off the bench and began to run as fast as I could to my car. I wasn't sure why, but I knew I had to see Alexis now. I needed to tell her everything I felt for her and everything she'd done for me.
Twenty minutes later, I was racing up the staircase toward her apartment.
I knocked.
Nothing.
Is she really not home?
A wave of panic washed over me. She was six months pregnant and still weak from all the chemo. It wasn't safe for her to get around by herself.
I'll never forgive myself if anything happens to her.
I pulled out my phone and tried to call her.
Voicemail.
I sent her a text:
Hi baby. I'm really sorry we fought. I love you and want to be here for you and Izzy. Please forgive me.
I paced up and down the hallway in front of her apartment as I waited for her to text back.
But after fifteen minutes, there was still no text.
I tried the door again and knocked on it a little harder.
Nothing.
Feeling a sense of dread wash over me, I slowly walked up the four flights of stairs to my apartment.
Where could she be?
When I got in my apartment, I crashed onto my bed, feeling emotionally spent. As my hand swung over the side of the bed, I felt something.
My black box. My "little black book."
I took the box out from under the bed and opened it. As I riffled through the hundreds of items inside, I noticed that something had changed. It didn't feel the same. Instead of feeling satisfied and proud of my collection of numbers from hot women I'd fucked, it felt empty. Staring at the items now, I felt empty.