I gave him a weak smile. "I know. I was just giving you a hard time. But really, I'd like to do this myself."
He nodded. "I understand."
When I got inside the small bathroom, I locked the door behind me. I let out a heavy sigh as I let today's event settle in my mind. I felt exhausted, more tired than I'd ever felt. It was as if I had fought a battle and I had lost. I looked at myself in the mirror for the first time since this morning before the surgery. I looked exactly the way I felt-worn down, pale, defeated. I could still see the puffiness in my eyes from the hours of crying during the days leading up to this morning.
My gaze landed on the flat chest on the right side of my hospital gown. I shut my eyes and swallowed hard.
Why me?
I gingerly peeled aside my hospital gown from my body, letting it fall lifelessly onto the floor. There was a large bandage covering the flat chest where my right breast had once sat.
Hot tears rolled down my face as I felt a sense of loss. I felt like less of a woman, and it was a realization I hadn't prepared myself for. The person I had once been was gone. My eyes stared at the breast that was no longer there. I knew that what remained under the bandage was a fresh line of stitches across the area my nipple had once occupied.
I inhaled sharply through my nose, willing the tears to leave me. "I am strong enough for this," I said, trying to convince myself.
My eyes landed on my stomach, and a weak smile spread on my face. There was now a noticeable tiny bump on my belly. Izzy.
"I need to be strong enough for Isabella."
With a new sense of resolve, I put the hospital gown back on and opened the bathroom door.
Damian rushed over to my side and helped me get back up in the bed. He watched me tentatively as he put the blankets over me. I noticed him shift uncomfortably beside me.
"How are you feeling?" he finally asked.
I shrugged, unable to say anything. I wasn't sure if I was strong enough to voice my feelings without bursting into a fit of tears.
"Are you hungry? I can go get us some sushi?" I watched him reach for his phone and pull up the Yelp app to search for a sushi restaurant in the area.
"I'm not hungry, but you should order something if you're hungry. I'm just really tired," I murmured. "And sad."
"Alex." His voice was warm and soothing as he bent down next to me. "I love you. You are beautiful to me."
His words brought me to tears. I knew he was trying to comfort me, but I didn't have the heart to tell him that it was doing the exact opposite.
"I love you too," I whispered.
"I know you're sad, and I wish I had the power to change that." He lifted my hand between his palms and moved it to his mouth. He gently kissed my hand. "You're not alone. You have me. I know it's still an uphill battle ahead, but I also know for a fact that you're strong enough for this. But if you ever think you're not, I'll be strong enough for both of us."
I looked over at him but didn't say a word. There was nothing to say. He was right. And yet, I still felt alone.
"I know it will take time, babe." His face twisted in agony and worry as he looked down at me. "It'll get better with time."
Will time bring back my breast? I thought bitterly.
"The doctor said that you'll be in here for the next two days to recover before I can take you home. But don't worry. I'll try to be here as much as I can."
"Right." I avoided his gaze. "I think I'm going to go back to sleep." I closed my eyes but knew that there was hurt painted across his face.
"All right. You get your rest. If there's anything you want me to get you, just ask, okay?"
"Thanks," I said flatly.
A tinge of guilt prickled down my body at my rudeness. I knew Damian was trying. I knew deep down this wasn't just hard on me-this was hard on him as well. But I felt selfish and angry at the world. I wanted to just wallow in my own self-pity without having to consider someone else's feelings. After everything I had gone through, I was going to allow myself at least that.
After a few minutes, my mind was racing with worry and I couldn't fall asleep. I finally gave up and opened my eyes. Damian was sitting in the chair at the side of my bed, reading a book. I squinted at the front cover to read the title and my heart broke when I read it. After Breast Cancer: A Common-Sense Guide to Life After Treatment.
"Damian?" I asked softly.
He looked up from the book and quickly put it away. "Yeah, baby?"
"Why are you reading that?" I motioned at the book with my hand.
He gave me a sheepish smile. "I … I know it's going to be hard for you. I just thought I could read this to try to understand what you're feeling and will be feeling. I know it can't be easy, especially when you're carrying our child. So I want to make sure I don't do anything stupid to piss you off."
I fought back my tears as I looked into his eyes. Has this man really changed so much since I first met him? Will he really be around for me until the very end?
"I'm scared for us, Damian." My voice was barely audible.
He frowned, and I saw the insecurity in his eyes. "Why? What's wrong?"
"I'm worried that when things get harder-and things will get harder-you will get scared and leave me like before."
He closed his eyes and his face twisted with regret. "I'm sorry I've hurt you in the past where it's hard for you to trust me. I want to be completely honest with you though. I'm terrified too and don't want to lie to you and say that I'll be the perfect boyfriend. Because the truth is … I don't know. But I do promise you that I will try my very best."
His words stung, but I knew he hadn't meant to hurt me with them. I'd always appreciated his honestly, even when it wasn't always what I wanted to hear.
"Damian, I love you. Very much so."
He reached for my hand and squeezed it. "I love you too, Alex. And each day you're in my life, I love you a little more than the day before."
I smiled up at him, and I knew in my heart of hearts that he was indeed going to try his very best.
***
For the next two days, Damian spent most of the visiting hours in the hospital room with me. I was exhausted during the majority of the day and slept. But during my waking hours, he helped me with my post-op muscle exercises, watched romantic comedies on the small television in the corner toward the ceiling of the room, and entertained my daydreams about the future our Isabella was going to have.
On Wednesday morning, three days after my surgery, I woke up early and anxious to go home finally. The doctors had warned me that during my first few weeks of recovery I'd be fatigued and emotionally exhausted. I hadn't realized how much that would be the case until this morning. After two hours of being awake, the excitement and anxiety of leaving the hospital and seeing my own apartment had worn me down and I quickly fell back asleep.
"Good morning, sleepyhead." The warm, familiar voice woke me up. "Today's the day I get to take you home."
Damian. My insides melted at the thought of him by my side. My eyes fluttered opened and I was greeted with his mesmerizing deep blue eyes and warm, comforting smile.
"Hey, you," he whispered softly. "You ready to leave this hellhole?"
I gave him a small smile. "Born ready."
"Naturally," he teased. "Here are the clothes you asked me to get from your place. Do you want me to help you put them on?"
"No," I said quickly. "I can manage." The thought of him seeing me naked-even if only partially-made me nervous.
"Okay. No problem. Oh yeah, here's something to brighten your day."
I saw him reach over to pick up something on a chair by the door, and that was when I saw him clearly. Tears immediately welled up in my eyes at what I saw. He handed me a gorgeous bouquet of pink peonies and kissed me sweetly on the cheek.
But that wasn't what caused the tears. It was his t-shirt.
Along with his usual dark-washed jeans, he was wearing a t-shirt with the following words on the front: "Don't Mess With My Girlfriend. She Kicked Cancer's Ass!"
"Thank you," I choked through my tears.
"Oh, baby, don't cry." He gently brushed away the tears on my face. "What are you thanking me for?"
"This." I motioned at his t-shirt and pulled him in for a kiss. "You're seriously too good to me."
"Oh, this old thing?" He casually looked at his shirt and shrugged. Then he paused and grinned at me. "Just kidding. I'm glad you like it. You know I'd do anything to see that smile on your face."