"Alex, what's wrong? Will the baby be okay?" I held my breath, knowing that there was something else she hadn't told me.
She gave me a small reassuring smile. "The doctor said that the baby should be fine. The breast cancer shouldn't harm the baby."
I let out a sigh of relief. "Thank God."
I waited for her to continue, but she remained silent.
"So … will you be okay?" My stomach churned as I waited for her to respond.
"The doctor said that there are still some risks involved, but if they remove the tumor cells right away and I go on the proper treatment, our baby and I can go on and live healthy lives."
My muscles relaxed at this news and I felt like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders. "That's wonderful news, babe!"
"But … " She looked up at me, and at seeing the anxiety in her eyes, my muscles instantly tensed back up. "I need to get a mastectomy on my right breast right away."
"Mastectomy?"
She glanced at the ceiling, and I could see the tears well up in her eyes. "It means they're going to remove my entire right breast." Her voice cracked as she finished her sentence.
"Oh." I stared at her in shock. She's losing her right breast? But I love that breast, I automatically thought. I closed my eyes and felt ashamed at myself for being so superficial at a time like this. "Alex, you'll always be beautiful to me. I'm just glad you'll be okay and healthy."
She looked up at me in surprise and wiped away the tears on her face. "Really? I know you love my breasts. You're really okay with this?"
It was then that I realized why Alexis had been so afraid to tell me about the cancer. I sighed and shook my head. "Alex, come on. Give me some credit. I know that when you met me I was kinda a man-whore."
"Just kinda?" she snorted.
I laughed. "Okay, you got me. I was a complete man-whore. And I know that I hurt you because I was all about the physical things and you wanted more from me. And frankly, baby, you deserve more. And if I didn't care about you so much, I would admit to myself that you deserve a whole lot better than me and what I can give you. But I'm fucking selfish, and I want you and need you in my life. And you know? Until now, I was that guy who'd slept with more girls than I can count. I'd slept with more girls more often than-"
"Okay, I get the picture," Alexis interrupted me.
I saw the impatient look on her face and realized I was rambling. "Oops. Too much? Sorry," I said sheepishly. It was hard to not boast about my conquests, and I knew this was the last moment I should be doing that.
Alexis rolled her eyes. To my surprise, she didn't seem angry and she didn't seem to be readying her hand to slap me. God, she's fucking awesome and cool like that. I fucking love her.
"Sorry. My point is-I do have a point-when I met you, something changed. I stopped checking out women who would order a drink from me and flirt with me. I stopped thinking about other women. I even stopped rating women when I saw them. When I met you, I realized there was something more beautiful than the physical appearance of a woman. Yes, I do love your breasts, but I love you more."
Tears streamed down her face again, but this time, they were tears of relief instead of sadness.
Then a thought crossed my mind.
"Plus, they can do breast reconstruction, like a boob job. We could even go a size or two larger if we want."
"We?" Alexis gave me a dumbfounded stare. "Since when did you decide you wanted breast reconstruction? And what's wrong with the size of my breasts?"
"Shit, I'm sorry." I realized my words had come out wrong, and instead of being helpful, I had made her feel worse. "I'm not good with expressing myself. That's not what I meant. What I'm trying to say is … We can figure this out. As long as you and our baby are going to be okay and healthy, we can get through everything else."
I gently moved my hand down the side of her face and dried the tears from her cheek.
"It's okay," she said softly. "I know you didn't mean it to hurt me. I've been having some crazy mood swings lately." She sighed. "I do plan to get breast reconstruction on my right breast, but not until after the baby is born. The doctor said reconstruction during pregnancy could endanger the baby."
There was a long silence between us as we looked at each other. As I gazed into her eyes, I realized how much I'd come to love her. The idea of losing her was now real, and that thought was unbearable.
"Are you okay with all this? Is there anything I can do?" I felt helpless in this situation. I was supposed to be the one person she could depend on to be there for her and help her through her problems, but at this very moment, I was useless.
"Just hold me, Damian. Just tell me things will be alright." Her eyes were bloodshot as she tried to hold back another onslaught of tears.
I got up from the chair, pulling her up with me, and held her. "I'm here for you, Alex. Things will be okay. Cry as much as you want. I'm here," I whispered. I kissed her head and brushed aside her hair from her face.
"Damian, I'm terrified." Her voice shook as she looked up at me and I saw the fear in her eyes.
"It'll be okay. You'll be okay." I tried my best to reassure her while, on the inside, I'd never been so scared. But I knew I needed to keep it together for her. I needed to be strong for her-and for our baby.
"Damian, I could di-"
"No, don't even think about it. You'll be fine," I insisted.
She shook her head and frowned. "I'm not concerned for myself. I'm terrified for our unborn child." She broke into a sob at the last word. "I lost my parents when I was thirteen and I've always felt like I was robbed of a huge part of my life because I didn't have my parents around to watch me grow up, go to prom, graduate high school, or go to college. What if … What if I'm not around to see our baby grow up? I'm terrified that I'm going to rob our child of a life without a mother there to help him or her through life. I-"
"Alex, stop torturing yourself like this. We should be optimistic. I trust the doctors. I believe we're going to have a healthy baby, and you're going to get through this and live a long and healthy life with me." I kissed her forehead. "You'll going to be a great mother, and you and I are going to be around for all of our child's important moments."
I fought back the surge of emotion that hit me hard inside my chest. She was right. She could die and I could lose her. I couldn't understand why, but I knew I couldn't live without her. In the months we'd been together, I'd grown attached to her. I'd grown attached to the way she made me feel when I was with her.
You are the butter to my bread and the breath to my life. The quote from the movie Julie and Julia-the movie Alexis and I had watched on one of our first dates-popped into my head. It wasn't until now that I finally understood what that meant.
As I realized that Alexis was my butter and breath, I held on to her a little tighter as she buried her face against my chest. "We'll get through this together, baby. We will." We have to.
***
THREE WEEKS LATER
"How are you feeling this morning?" I quickly glanced over at Alexis before turning my gaze back to the road.
"Nervous. Scared. Anxious about what the doctor will say." Her chest heaved up and down as she drew in several deep breaths.
I squeezed her hand gently with mine. My other hand clutched the steering wheel tightly as I focused on keeping calm-not for my own sake, but for hers.
Today was a big day for us. It was the first time I was taking Alexis to see her obstetrician.
"I can't wait to find out if the baby's healthy and how far along I am." Alexis rubbed her stomach and grinned.
I took a deep breath and nodded my head. "I'm sure the baby's healthy."
"Are you excited?" She looked over at me with a concerned smile.
"Yes, of course." I squeezed her hand again.
Truth be told, I was excited, but I was also a bit freaked out. It'd been almost three weeks since I'd found out that Alexis was pregnant with cancer, but even now, it still felt surreal and a part of me had a difficult time believing that things would ever change in our relationship. While our conversations had been focused on the baby and the cancer recently, everything else between us had remained the same. Alexis was still hot as hell and as feisty as ever, and our sex life was as active as it'd always been.