"But I saw you open her apartment door half naked. How the fuck do you explain that?"
"Dude, I had just jumped out of the shower when you knocked. Alexis hadn't even gotten home from work yet."
"Why were you over at her place though?" I looked at him suspiciously.
He shot me an impatient glare. "Look, as you seemed to have gathered, Alexis and I used to date. I fucked up and cheated on her, and she moved to San Francisco. Anyway, we recently started talking again on the phone and she confided in me on some things she was going through. I've been coming to SF for business lately. This time, I flew in a day early to hang out with Alexis and see how she was doing. My job wouldn't pay for the accommodations for the extra night, so Alexis let me crash on her couch last night after dinner."
I studied him as he spoke, trying to catch any indications that he was lying to me.
"Nothing has happened between us since she's met you."
As I took in the information, I realized something was still bothering me about the situation.
"So what's this secret she's been keeping from me? Is she pregnant?" A different wave of fear overcame me.
"You need to ask her that yourself."
"You said she was upstairs?" I began to move toward the side door of the bar that led to the apartment units, but Chris gripped my shoulder with his hand and stopped me.
"Before you ask her a single question, you better fucking apologize for the shit you just did!"
"Trust me, I will!" I shrugged off his hand and rushed up to Alexis's apartment.
How did I fuck up so royally? Why didn't I give her the chance to talk? I need to set things right with her. I need her to forgive me or I'll never be able to live with myself.
CHAPTER TEN
Alexis
I'd never cried like this before. I'd never felt every part of my body hurt like this as it shook and heaved as I wept. I'd never felt devastation, hopelessness, and loneliness all at once like this before.
"How could he?" I tried to understand how the man I loved had the heart to do this-and to do it spitefully in front of me. I'd thought he had changed. I'd thought he cared about me. I'd thought he had loved me. But when I'd seen the way he had taunted me with the blonde in his arms, my image of who I'd thought he was shattered into a million pieces along with my heart.
My hands moved to my stomach as I worried about the future of this unborn child. "What am I going to do? He's not ready to be a father. Can I get through everything on my own?"
I knew the answer to my last question. It was a no. I wasn't sure I could face everything on my own. I knew I needed Damian to be there for me.
But he's not there for you. Fresh tears fell down my face at this thought.
Just then, there was a knock at my door. I tried to wipe away the tears from my face as I walked to the door. When I opened the door and saw who was on the other side, my heart stilled.
It was Damian.
"Alex, I'm so sorry. I really fucked up." I saw a fresh bruise on his face and the pain in his eyes, and I fought back the urge to sink into his arms and believe that everything would be okay.
"I don't want to see you." My voice shook as I spoke. "You really hurt me." I halfheartedly pushed the door closed and turned to walk away.
He blocked the door and followed me inside. "Please, Alex. I know I've hurt you. I … I was just going out of my mind. I thought you were cheating on me. Nothing happened with the blonde! I swear! I just wanted to upset you because … I was upset."
I turned back to him, surprised at his words. "What do you mean, nothing happened?!"
He walked over to me. "Baby, I thought you had cheated on me, so when I texted you to come down and see me, I purposely got that girl to pretend like she had gone down on me in front of you, but she didn't. Nothing happened. I just wanted to make you jealous … I wanted to inflict the same pain on you that I had been feeling."
As I took in his words, he pulled me into his arms. "I'm sorry," he whispered in my ear. I pushed him away and smacked him across the face with every ounce of strength I had.
I gasped in surprised at what I had just done. From the look in his eyes, he was surprised too.
"Did that feel good?" he asked and gave me a boyish grin.
I couldn't help but smile. "Yes. That helped a little."
"Good. I deserved that." He smiled down at me, his rich, blue eyes filled with concern and remorse. "Can you forgive me for being such an asshole?" His face twisted with sadness, and I felt my resolve waver. And for a brief moment, I felt all my sadness leave me.
"So nothing happened with that girl?" I looked at him hopefully, wondering if I could really forgive him.
"I swear to you. Nothing happened. My boxers were on and she didn't do a thing. I told her I'd take care of her drinks for the rest of the night if she helped me out. She wanted more, but I just couldn't." He pulled me into his arms and I sighed as my cheek sank into his muscular chest. I could hear the rapid beating of his heart, and I felt comforted by his presence.
Why does he make me feel so safe and happy without even trying?
"But why were you so upset? Why did you talk to me first?"
"I don't know. You're right. I should have talked to you first." He pulled me gently from his arms and looked down at me. His eyes twinkled as I watched him look at me in that way that'd always made me feel special and loved. "I'm sorry for being a fool, baby. I just thought you had cheated on me with that guy, and I've never felt so destroyed by something before."
I looked at up him and saw the man that I had fallen in love with-the broken man who had been scared to love someone before me-and I tried to understand how he must have felt when he'd thought I had betrayed him.
"How could you think that I would cheat on you? And why do you think I'm pregnant with Chris's baby?" I knew he could see the hurt in my eyes. "Don't you trust me?"
"I do. I … " He paused, and I could tell he was debating over something in his head. He then sighed and continued. "When we were in Italy at Emma's wedding, your phone started to ring when you were in the restroom during the reception."
"Okay." My mind flashed to the memory of what we had done in that bathroom that night.
"Well when I went to go silence the phone, I saw that a guy named Chris was calling you. I knew your ex-boyfriend's name was Chris, and … I was going to confront you about it when you got back from the restroom, but then he texted you too and asked you if you had received your test results because he'd be there for you."
"Oh." My stomach lurched at what he'd said. He has known this entire time.
"When I saw that text, I had all these crazy thoughts in my head. You hadn't mentioned anything about any test results to me, and you didn't tell me that you were talking to Chris."
"I'm sorry, Damian. I should have told you earlier." I grabbed his hand and held it between mine.
"So I was angry. It was then that I had noticed that you hadn't been drinking alcohol during the wedding ceremony either. Then, during our last day in Italy, I overheard you on the phone confirming a doctor's appointment to go over some test results and then you spoke to Chris. When I came in to ask you who was on the phone, you lied to me. And that was when I really started to think that my suspicions were right-that something was going on between you two and you were pregnant with his baby."
"How come you didn't ask me?"
"I don't know. I was scared to lose you I guess." He shrugged. "I also didn't want to believe that you had cheated on me, so I wanted to wait for you to tell me about the test results yourself."
"Oh." I felt a pang of guilt as I realized the misery I'd caused him in the last few weeks.
"But then today"-he looked over at me and I saw the anguish in his eyes-"when I saw Chris at your front door with only a towel around his waist, I lost it. I thought you were seeing him again. I thought you were like my mother … " His voice trailed off as he looked away. "I'm sorry I didn't trust you. Chris is right. I don't deserve you."
"Don't say that! Chris doesn't know what he's talking about." I leaned up and gently kissed him on the lips.
"You're too good to me, Alex. You forgive me time and time again, and you always see the positive side of me that I don't even see myself."
"Damian, I won't lie to you. You have hurt me a lot. What you did downstairs … That was unbearable to watch, and for a second, I had lost faith in us." My voice cracked as I fought back the tears.