He didn’t want her to see this crazy person who spent hours checking a seat belt. Didn’t want her to notice the shame and intense embarrassment written all over his face. Or the guilt he couldn’t escape that he wasn’t trying hard enough to stop the compulsions. The terrible sense that somehow, he was choosing to be this way.
That it was his fault.
Luke looked at her, saw concern darken her eyes, and underneath that, a dawning realization. The same spreading anguish deep inside himself, too.
The realization that there was something deeply wrong. That he’d lied. And that it wouldn’t work between them. Not ever.
“I think,” he said quietly. “That it’s best if you leave.”
…
She didn’t want to. She didn’t want to leave him like that, circling around and around that wretched car, doing God knows what. Checking the same things over and over again.
Because one thing was for sure. Something was wrong. Deeply, deeply wrong.
“Why?” she asked, her voice gone thick. “What’s the matter? What are you doing?”
His hands were gripping the red metal of the car, heedless of the paintwork, his knuckles white. “I lied to you, Marisa,” he said in the same calm tone. “I’m sorry.”
Fear turned over and over inside her. “It’s okay, you don’t have to—”
“I have OCD. You know what that is?”
Fear turned to shock. “Obsessive-compulsive disorder? But isn’t it all about washing hands and germs and things?”
“It can be. Or it can involve obsessive thought processes. Mine tends to involve order. I like to have complete control over my environment, otherwise the checking compulsions can be time-consuming.”
Checking compulsions… Her chest was so tight she couldn’t breathe. “Like what you’re doing now?”
“Yes.”
“But…why?”
“It’s a safety issue.” The look on his face was so bleak she felt tears prick her eyes. “When things are important I have to…check a lot.”
“Oh, Luke...” She didn’t know what to say. Didn’t know what to do. She’d guessed something was wrong and the explanation certainly cleared up a few things, but it certainly hadn’t been what she was expecting “How long have you been like this?”
“I’ve always been like this.”
Tears filled her eyes. “Why didn’t you tell me? Or did you think I wasn’t important enough to know?”
Pain flickered over his face. “I can’t tell anyone. How do you think my business would survive if everyone thought it was being run by a crazy man? And as for not telling you…” He met her gaze. “You were too important to tell.”
A tear overflowed, ran down her cheek. “That doesn’t make any sense.”
“Everyone in my entire life, except for Caleb and Joseph, thought I was crazy. I couldn’t bear for you to do so, too.”
“But…I don’t think that.”
“You will,” he said with quiet certainty. “If you stay with me, eventually you will.”
Anguish filled her. “Then you don’t know me at all.”
“Seems that’s true for both of us.” Luke looked away, back down to the engine. “Look, this is going to take me hours to finish this. And I’d really rather you weren’t here to see it.”
“So that’s it? You want me to go now? For how long?”
He didn’t look up from the car. “I did tell you the truth about one thing. I don’t want a relationship. So it’s probably better if you go.”
Her heart slowly shriveled in her chest. Well, who was she to argue? What he needed, she clearly couldn’t give him and hell, she wasn’t going to push herself where she wasn’t wanted. He’d lied to her after all, right?
“Okay,” she said thickly. “I guess I’ll see you later then.”
Turning around, she left him alone in the garage and went back upstairs. In her room she methodically finished packing the half-packed suitcase on the bed. Because although he hadn’t said so explicitly, they both knew that he hadn’t meant only leave the room. That he’d meant leave the house, leave his life.
So that’s it? You love him and you’re going to leave him alone like that?
A lump formed in her throat. A lump that refused to go away. Her heart had shriveled up completely, sitting hard and desiccated inside her.
Of course she was going to go. He’d told her to. And besides, she’d seen his embarrassment at what he was doing. She knew he’d hated her seeing him like that. So really, leaving was better for both of them.