And he was gone.
Chapter Twelve
Declan hovered outside the bedroom door, unsure whether to go back in. But his brain was about to explode. And he needed out of there before that happened, causing who knew what damage.
Except for that one brief interlude with Jess, all his life, he'd kept his emotions under rigid control. Not allowed himself to feel, done his goddamned fucking duty. Done what his father expected of him.
Now that control was slipping away.
She'd been seventeen years old and pregnant with his baby. And he'd walked away. She'd had a miscarriage and endured it alone. Because he'd been too much of a pussy to go after what he wanted.
He couldn't believe his own father had given Jess money to leave him alone. Except who was he kidding? His father was a ruthless bastard. Always had been. But it was hardly his father's fault-well not all of it. He'd been the one to walk. But he wouldn't do that a second time, no matter what she believed she wanted.
She made him feel alive. She was the only thing that ever had and his life since had been gray and meaningless. A performance he put on for the rest of the world. Only Jess saw through it.
She'd been right the other night when she'd told him he needed to change. He just wasn't sure how. Maybe he needed to take a leap into the unknown. And he'd be happy to do that with Jess at his side.
He glanced back at the door, but then turned away.
He'd told her he loved her.
He'd never said that to any woman except Jess.
And she said it didn't matter. But it was all that mattered. And she meant what she said. She really planned to finish this thing between them.
He had to leave, give her some space. Think about what he could do to make her give him a chance. Maybe he should steal a car. Take her joyriding. Get them both locked up. Or maybe not.
But right now she had worked herself up, put an insurmountable barrier between them, which she wouldn't let him pass. He could only hope that she would think about his words.
He had one more day to persuade her.
He headed out, slamming the front door behind him. The night was cold and he shivered as Steve fell into step behind him.
"Is she all right?" he asked, his voice expressionless. Declan had gotten the distinct impression that Jess's colleagues didn't approve of their relationship.
"Why the hell wouldn't she be all right?" he snarled. What did they think he was going to do to her? Break her heart?
Steve shrugged. "She's been different since this job. We just don't want her hurt."
He stopped and swung around. "And you think I'll do that?" He fisted his hands at his side, resisting the urge to punch the other man.
Steve shrugged again, then obviously decided he'd said enough. "You want me to call for a car?"
"No." He didn't want to head home. He wanted a drink. He started walking, heading toward the center of town, and then into the first bar he found.
He ordered a scotch, drank it in one swallow, then ordered another and took it to a dark corner. Drank that. When he raised his glass, the barman came over, this time he filled the glass and left the bottle on the table.
She hadn't actually said she didn't love him.
Maybe he needed to give her some concrete evidence that he really did care, and this time he meant it to last. The scotch was a warm buzz in his brain now.
He pushed himself to his feet and headed over to where Steve waited and watched.
"I want to hit something," he said. Actually, he wanted to hit his father, but he reckoned he'd better postpone that confrontation until he was a little calmer and a little more sober. "Do you have any suggestions?"
Half an hour later, Declan sagged against the punching bag, resting his forehead against the soft leather. They were in a room beneath the Knight Securities building, next to the shooting range where he'd made love with Jess. He was trying not to think about that. He lifted his head. His bodyguard leaned against the wall, one eyebrow raised. "You done?"
"Not nearly done. Do you know of a tattoo place open at this time?"
…
It was hardly daylight when Jess entered the Knight Security building the following morning. She'd checked his schedule and knew Jake was around and she wanted to do this before she changed her mind.
She hadn't slept after Declan had left.
She'd lain in bed, trying to avoid thinking about him, because it hurt. Instead, she'd thought about everything else. Her parents, who had been the most wonderful people and hadn't deserved to die. Her sister, who had very reluctantly taken her in and had been totally unprepared to deal with a damaged, hurting ten-year-old. The army, her job, her future …
And she realized something. Declan wasn't the only one who didn't know what he wanted. Except she knew what she didn't want and that was to spend the rest of her life trying to be something she wasn't. Like nice.